I want him to leave

[Bearski77]

Hi everyone,
So, to try and cut this short, here's a list of the problems in my marriage

• no sex or intimacy or even affection for almost nine years
• dh goes to gigs A LOT and not just local, often away for the night
• often emails me at work to say he's going to the cinema and will be home late
• never takes his phone with him so I can't contact him outside of work email hours
• basically lets me do all the housework / childcare even though I work 30 hours per week
• has been contributing less money to joint account than we had agreed
• has never had the kids out on his own apart from when I've been away or in hospital

The upshot of all this is that he admits he's been going to gigs too much and wants to stop doing that and wants to spend more time at home. Fair enough, but that doesn't just cancel everything out. Basically I have no feelings for him, we hardly speak, and I feel so much more relaxed and happy when he's not there. The obvious barrier which is holding me back from telling him I want us to break up is the kids and how it might affect them. But what I want advice on from you lot is, can I make HIM leave when it's my decision to break up the marriage? I do not want to uproot myself and much more importantly my two boys (age 11 and 7). But also, because of my soft (too soft) nature, I feel awful at the thought of chucking him out to fend for himself, find somewhere to live etc. I've been over and over this in my head for months, been to counselling etc, but I can't bring myself to just say the words. I'm only in my early 40s, surely this is not it forever, I need more. Help! x

You’re married so the marital home is a joint asset. No, you can’t make him leave if he doesn’t want to go.

You can tell him that you want to separate and start divorce proceedings; as part of thy you could ask him to move out. You’d have to consider whether you can afford to pay the mortgage and bills yourself until divorce and financial settlement is reached.

Your DC will be happier with two happy parents who live apart than two miserable ones who live together.

I think you can give him a choice that either he comes in with more money more chores and more time or he goes

You're already leading separate lives, I don't think the more money, chores and time suggestion is going to solve what doesn't seems to be much of a marriage.

The house is as much his home as yours so you can't simply chuck him out but you could seek to buy out his share of the marital home.

Tell him it's time up.

What's the situation with your house in terms of equity and local house prices?

Who does he say he's going out with? Do you think he's having an affair?

So I think I can manage on my own financially, including buying him out when the time comes. It's just actually going through with it that scares me.
As for do I think he's having an affair HollowTalk, no. Sounds like the obvious conclusion that maybe he is, but I really don't think so. And I say this knowing that he and a woman from the gigs text each other. This sounds awful but he never brushes his teeth, dresses like a tramp and just doesn't look after himself enough to attract anyone. He just goes to these things on his own, he doesn't really have friends. Anyway, he's away for a few days to visit his mum, so am thinking maybe talk to him before he goes????