Couples without kids - he doesn't want them

[user2348]

Hi there,
I'm about to turn 41 and dating a guy who doesn't want kids. I have gone backwards and forwards on whether I want kids over the past 10 years - and I know time isn't on my side, anyway. But I think my body is kicking into 'last chance' mode and I am starting to worry that I need to know exactly, for sure, what I want, NOW! I have said to him I've been on fence about kids and can see a happy life without them, provided there are pets. We have a nice time together, and to be honest even if he did want kids I wouldn't want them with him - he's just not a 'dad' type. I am just wondering if it can be enough with someone long-term if you don't have a family together, and I feel confused about not being absolutely clear on the kids thing - at this age. I also have these irrational fears that men can go on having kids forever and he might suddenly meet a younger woman (he's 45) and have a kid at 50, leaving me single again and without any chance of having a child if I then wanted one. I am just feeling rather confused...I worry that him saying he doesn't want kids so firmly means he might not be a good partner and is just leaving the door open in case he doesn't want to be tied down to me (or anyone). But again, I don't know if that's irrational! That's a big ramble...

Is there anyone you can speak to as it does sound like it's all jumbled. Other than kids are you happy in your relationship? It sounds like you are doubting what he is telling you to some extent?

I think you need to accept you are not going to have kids with this man. Realistically then you are very unlikely to have kids within a relationship (it's possible but very unlikely, when you take into account the time to get into a relationship and get to know them first etc). So realistically your options are
Stay with him and enjoy your life
Have a child apart from him (this will probably end your relationship). There are a few threads on here from people not sure about having kids or regretting having kids that you can read as they give quite a good balanced view of what it's really like having them, might be good to read this as well

When I said have a child apart from him I meant through donor sperm etc.

Op have you talked to him about what the reason is for not wanting them - not to convince him, but so you can get a sense of his commitment to the relationship?
Both me and my partner have never wanted kids, though were open to the idea it could change, but for us we never changed our minds. With my partner it's quite obvious - he's an introvert, he loves time on his own, and quiet - he really struggles when kids in the family visit (he loves them, but after an hour or so he starts finding excuses to disappear). He's always been quite content in himself and his own company. For those reasons, while I can't say it'd never happen, I've never felt worried that he would go on to have kids with someone else. Nor have I had any reason to distrust his commitment to the relationship - we've been together fifteen years. Similarily I have male friends who have been clear they don't want kids when starting relationships (we're all in our forties) and the men who don't aren't commitment phobes- if anything it's because they see the responsibility of being a dad as a serious one, and wouldn't have a kid without being sure it's what they wanted.

Only you can decide whether having a child is for you, though as PPs have said, you'd need to include in that having a child on your own as a single parent, given that this relationship isn't right for raising a family.

I'm a man who doesn't want kids, never have. Why does that mean I wouldn't be a good partner to someone as you suggest? I find your thinking on that bizarre and vaguely hurtful. I hope he doesn't find out you think that about him or he may tell you to sling your hook.

Thanks all - Really helpful messages both @GettingABitDespreateNow and @Swimtobreathe. Clarified my thoughts a bit. Thank you!
I have talked to him about the reasons for not wanting kids - he says he never has wanted them (but then confusingly said there was one girl he would have had them with in his 20s cause he was so in love but it wouldn't have been right as he didn't really want them - so that confused me a bit) and to be fair to him he is an introvert, and sounds similar to your partner @Swimtobreathe so that makes sense. It's more my own insecurity that he just doesn't want them with ME and I've had plenty of guys dick me about so I just want him to be telling the absolute truth. Which I think he is - and his friends tell me he's never wanted kids. He likes his life as it is, really.
I agree it's too late to start a relationship with someone new anyway and look towards having kids with them. I need to get on and enjoy this one. We have our wobbles but I think even if he's not the right man for me, I wouldn't have a child on my own - so that settles it really. Thank you.

I think him saying he'd have had them in his 20s was more him saying he'd have done it for her but it still wasn't what he wanted.

The fact he's so certain is actually a good thing because he's not stringing you along based on the idea of maybe one day.

If you're happy, just enjoy each others company.

TBH you left it too late for kids, so unless you want them now and are happy with this guy, I would just enjoy life as it is. If you broke up with him because you wanted kids, time just is not on your side to find a many you love, loves you back and wants kids. Pets can bring joy into your life, but are a lot of responsibility too. But, such joy!

We've been together 9 years, both in our mid 30's, and neither of us want kids. (However if he never wanted cats that would be a totally different issue for me).

Life can absolutely 100% be fulfilling. And you do not need to have kids to be a family.

Thank you all. If he'd said no pets - deal breaker! This is all helpful for clarifying my thoughts. That's he's certain he doesn't want kids is indeed a good thing. If I wanted to have them it would most likely be outside of a relationship, and I don't think that's what I want. I know you can be happy without kids, so it's finding peace with that now it's really off the table.

Me and my OH don't have kids and don't have any plans to - we are early 40s and been together 7 years. He has never wanted children and I was about 90% sure I didn't. Perhaps with a different partner I might have been a mum, who knows. I have no regrets. For me it was about being happy myself and happy with him which I was and still am. We have a happy family (us and pets) and home together and it's great. There can be a lot of pressure in life that makes you feel like you have to make the "right" choice but in reality there isn't one right answer, there's lots of choices and lots of them result in happiness if you choose. Talking this over with a therapist/counsellor might be useful to give you a bit of perspective. Explaining things to a stranger can help you see situations in new ways. Good luck!

@Batinahat That's spot on and very wise. Yes, I think it's a lot to do with pressure - I feel HUGE pressure in a relationship when I say he and I won't have kids as people look at me like I'm nuts! And they judge both of us for it, sometimes, which can be hard. People still presume couples want kids but I think more people should think really hard about whether it's right for them - which is what I spent my 30s doing and wasn't sure (and didn't meet the right man so wouldn't have had them then anyway). I think it's good to find joy in life in whatever form - for me, that's always been animals anyway, whether I'm in a relationship or not.