Pregnant and overwhelmed

[ClassicFlourescent]

Hi all. I don't really feel like talking to anyone in real life about this as am feeling very emotional. I woke up at 4.30 this morning and cried silently so partner didn't wake!

I am 10 weeks pregnant with first baby. Not very close to my family, DP very close to his.

Ever since we told them (very early, regretting this now), DP's family are non stop. I haven't got the energy to go into the whole situation but basically I am feeling like DP is prioritising their feelings over mine.

Firstly, I asked his Mother and Sister not to buy anything yet as it is bad luck (and if anything does happen, I don't want them lumbered with baby stuff). This has been completely ignored. The sister brought a pram over that she managed to get for free from facebook, "ideal as a spare" she said.

MIL has been buying vests, babygrows, socks. We went into town yesterday for a coffee and she happened to notice a baby boutiqe next door, she went in and bought booties and a hat.

I am not ungrateful, it is lovely that they want to help out so much but I just feel that I am being ignored.

SIL told me I must breastfeed when baby is born - I had already decided that I will try and know it is not always possible but thanks for the added pressure.

They dragged me out for a long forest walk when I was feeling very sick and tired (I have had constant nausea for 3 weeks). MIL was picking fights all day with DP - just the way she is, moaning about this, that and the other. Saying that we have to get married before the baby is born. The last thing I want to do right now is plan a fucking wedding.

Yesterday as we were walking towards the end of the forest walk DP turned to me and said " You were really rude to my Mother earlier" I was shocked and asked when.

He was referring to earlier in the day when we had planned to go for breakfast together (staying in a caravan for weekend), I was starving hungry and feeling sick so said I would be happy to make something in caravan so I could eat sooner, MIL insisted we all go out to local cafe. When we got there they only took cash and we only had cards with us. MIL said not to worry and that she had enough for a couple of coffees.

She kept asking me if I wanted to go back to caravan for breakfast or have our walk first then go for lunch. I could see that everyone wanted to go on the walk etc so said it was fine and I would wait for lunch, she asked me about 4 more times, and SIL asked a further 2 or 3. I snapped in the end and said I am fine.

They are exhausting me, constantly telling me how I will look after this baby, that they hope I wont be one of those mother's that don't let people round to see the baby straight away.

I spoke to DP to ask him to tell them to calm down and give me some space and he said they are just excited.

Then he has a go, saying I am being rude which results in me crying on the bloody walk.

I feel so weak and sad. The thought of giving birth has been completely tarnished with visions of them grabbing the baby as soon as it comes out. I feel on my own and feel like no one has my back.

I feel that DP is a useless prick who never puts me first and I just want out.

Please tell me your stories of over bearing in laws and how you coped?

I am not even 12 weeks and it's already too much. I cried on the way into work today too.

There is so so much more but I dont want to be outed.

What's your relationship with him generally? Honestly, to be so oblivious to how YOU feel and prioritising their feelings bodes very badly. You need to very firmly and calmly tell him how you need it, now and after the birth. They have no rights over you or the baby. If he protests I would seriously leave him and not put his name on the BC. I know that sounds drastic but it might be the only way to avoid a lifetime of drama.

Not naming him on the BC is ridiculous and extreme.

As hard as it is now is the time to set the boundaries for the rest of your future. Perhaps sit DP down and say you need him to have a united front when it comes to family yours or his. It's basic respect missing here really.

All the best x

You have plenty of time to establish some boundaries and take control back. Part of that is to speak with your DP. He is your main problem and isn’t supporting you and dismissing your feelings and emotions. Time for a tough talk with him, be clear about what it is you want and expect from him going forward .

Good advice pog. Get DH to return all baby stuff to gifters, say thanks and tell them to keep stuff at their homes until baby born - spare Pram is a spare so it stays at SILs house. Keep scan dates quiet, preferably the week after you’ve had it, then blame date mix ups on baby brain so you can avoid any hassle or requests to come with you.Don’t share information and make sure your midwife/ Health visitors are on side. Put your foot down now about no one in hospital until baby born and nobody moving in with you The second you come home. They are probably excited and mean well but make sure you are not hijacked- you need space to get used to being pregnant and how you feel about becoming a new mum. Hunt out NCT groups to join they are not snobby and I’d recommend a NCT course for both of you- google local group and course dates now to book in - it will focus your partners mind and you may make some new mum friends to share your preg/ early months journey with. The free NHS ante natals are good too to take partner with but are less in depth versions of the NCT ones - I did both and glad we did - you are number one here and don’t be afraid to say it

Do you want a baby with him op?

You need to put your foot down and you need to have some frank discussions with your dp.

Your dp needs to start putting his child first and that starts with you now. I think they behaved disgustingly making you wait to eat, having said that I would have ignored them and had something quick before going out as not eating for me was a sure fire way to make me sick.
By doing as you're told you're allowing them to control you.
I put my foot down very early on, to the point where I was almost shouting at the dinner table at a family meal to my in laws. That sounds extreme I know but they were all telling me I HAD to leave a newborn baby to cry so I could eat in "peace". I told them I would remember that when they were old, bedbound and incontinent that we would leave them to shout for help all night.
From that point on they pretty much knew never to undermine me and it never took much to remind them.

To be fair they are keeping all the stuff they bought, at their own houses.

@shrutefarm I do love him and he is all kinds of lovely, which is why he struggles to be assertive with family. When I said they are suffocating, he looked heartbroken so I was like "oh I know they only mean well, I shouldn't have said anything".

He has text this morning to apologise for yesterday. I just feel exhausted and they don't even come round often, about once a week but they constantly text and when they are here it is overwhelming.

Strict boundaries, you and he, desperately need to establish them and stick to them. Now. I only suggested not putting him in the BC if he won't establish the boundaries. If he will, great, if he won't I stand by my suggestion. You need to be tough, now for the future.

Sorry he's not giving you the support you need right now op.

People or you buying stuff won't make something bad happen. It just won't. No one has a miscarriage or a poorly baby because they brought stuff early. I know Al lthis stuff gets into your head whilst we're hormonal and feeling vulnerable but thry haven't you or baby at risk.

However absolutely insist noneof it comes to yours until you're ready, don't keep stuff you don't want and buy the big items YOU wNt not which SIL had picked.

Comments about breastfeeding - be firm but vague. You'll do what is right for you and baby at the time. You're not discussing it, you'll do what's right for you BOTH at the time. Same as how you'll raise them. Me and DP will agree what works for it. No point going into it because DP and I will discuss and do what is best for baby.

I assume you're off holiday now and away from them? How often do you see them at present? Can you cite exhaustion to not see them as much and let DP go alone?

If you have privacy and time tonight I would tell DP calmly that you're feeling overwhelmed by their input and feel that you and he won't be able to make all these decisions together. He needs to have your back.

Stand up for your needs. Why didn't you tell them you didn't want to go on tbe walk / go back for food? Just say "yes, going back for food is great, let's go". You have to stop putting yourself under everyone else.

Ultimately the qn is do you want to stay with him? I'd try talking to him and see how his response informs my next decision

@SleepingStandingUp I don't know why I am not being more assertive, I guess it's about choosing your battles.

I am already paranoid they think I am a bitch so don't want to fuel that fire.

I overheard a comment MIL made on Saturday night. I chose to go to bird around 10, we had just had a curry and I was experiencing stomach pains which were worrying me and making me anxious - I didn't tell them as didn't want drama. I laid in bed with a book and could hear DP say he was going to bed too as there was no room in living room for everyone anyway (lots of kids staying, family trip). SIL asked why he was going to bed early and I heard his mum say "because she's gone to bed".

I always thought me and MIL had a good relationship but am questioning it now.

His MIL is massively hard work, she can be incredibly nasty, has zero boundaries and is the kind of person who is known for "saying it how it is". She is not a woman I would want to get on the wrong side of.

Yes I am back from the trip now and in work. I can always get out of seeing them, we don't see much of them in the week really.

I don't feel comfortable speaking to DP tonight, I think he is going to become paranoid about having his family around and I don't want to do that to him. I am feeling stuck.

I will tell him he upset me tho

*bed not bird lol

Is there anyone you can go and stay with? I think a bit of space might help you both.

I would write a letter if you dont think you can manage a sit down chat. Explain that while you like them and can appreciate where they are coming from, it is putting so much pressure on you (eg he breastfeeding thing) that it is stressing you out, and if he doesnt start sticking up for you, you will need to take action to protect yourself eg getting some more space.

Can you speak to your midwife? Then tell him you have spoken to your midwife (or see if she can speak to him or both of you) and that with the way you are feeling and the pressure they are putting you under, that you are at higher risk from PND. Pre natal depression is also a thing and it sounds like you are at risk as they are making you dread their behaviour after the birth.

You will need to come up with some boundaries together. I would forgive the buying stuff to be honest if they havent given it to you yet and are keeping it at theirs - it's not unreasonable for them to not believe the same superstition. But they need to cut back the unwanted 'advice' around how you will bring up your child. Otherwise you will be avoiding them and snap and tell them it's none of their business.

OP you need to tackle this. It might upset him but he has to know how deeply their behaviour is upsetting you. He has to have your back. It's really important for the rest of your life. Don't bottle it because it might upset him, you are upset!

You can be assertive without being a bitch

"do you need to go back to the caravan to eat?"
"yes, that'd be great, thank you for understanding" works much better than "no no it's fine" when it blatantly isn't.

"you HAVE to breastfeed"
"I hope to but I know it doesn't always work. I'll be sure to talk to you about it at the time if I struggle"
"but you HAVE to do it"
"I understand the importance of it and its good to know I'll have you for advice if I need it. So, what are you up to this weekend"

Etc. It isn't about being rude to them, it's about putting form boundaries in and if thry don't like it, I'm afraid it's tough luck on them or a lifetime or you doing as you're told

Tell hi mhe upset you by not listening to you and understanding how overwhelming early pregnancy is etc, but can see why you might want dust to settle a bit with his pfamily

You need to learn how to assert yourself because your DP clearly isn’t going to do it for you. As a PP said, you don’t need to be rude in order to do this although they sound as though they will take it in offence regardless but let them. If they buy more baby items just be stern and make it clear you don’t need baby items just yet, you will buy them later down the line when you know the baby is ok.

I have had missed miscarriages discovered at the 12 week scan and my best friend had a late miscarriage at 20 weeks. Buying things early isn’t bad luck but it is heartbreaking if the pregnancy doesn’t work out.