Trauma bonding

[heneverkeepshisword]

Okay so I have just ended things with my bf....he's not very nice but would turn out I'm trauma bonded to him!

How do I make sure I stick to my decision and don't cave when he posts a letter through my door!

Any tips?

Remember the fact he's not nice.

And if you take him back he'll eventually become your not very nice husband, and a not very nice father, and you'll find yourself stuck in a rut with a man you think you love but you don't actually even like.

If he posts a letter, don't open it. Shred it. Then there's no temptation. Block his number and social media. You wouldn't have split up with him if you wanted to be with him. Nothing he says will change who he is.

You deserve to be happy.

Thankyou!

I have blocked him on everything.

I know he's not nice and my paranoia is so bad right now! And without him it will be better.

Even this weekend...I have thrush..and he didn't believe me and thought I was making it up not to have sex so made me feel really bad so ended up having sex with him....I shouldn't of felt bad about it should I?

Of course you shouldn't. Even if you were making it up you clearly didn't want to have sex with him. If he's happy to coerce an unwilling person into having sex, you know that it will only get worse.

Phone Women's Aid in order to enquire about trauma counselling in your area. Trauma bonding is linked to trauma and you'll be going through a lot right now. See if you can do the freedom programme in your area as it helps to be amongst other women who have been through this. See if there are any support groups in your area for survivors. Well done for getting out. Contact the police if he continues to harass you after you have asked him to stop.

If you consented out of fear, it's not consent. If he coerced you into having sex with him, it's called rape. Please contact Women's Aid and if when you are ready, ask to speak to the domestic abuse team at the police.

Thankyou guys!

I have looked into the freedom programme...just waiting for the new course!

It's not that he forced me, he just has this way about him that makes me feel awful if I don't have sex with him...says things like..."well I hope your not making it up and if your not and just don't want sex with me Cos u don't feel like it I'd be pretty upset about that too as it never used to be like that"
But the reason I don't want sex with him as much as I used to is because I can't get my anxious feeling of him and other woman out my head!
He's so good at guilt tripping me tho

Write down all the horrible things he's done and said. Read them all again every time you feel tempted to contact him.

The 'way he makes you feel awful' is called 'coercion'. It's abusive and illegal. He's manipulating you into having sex with you. In a normal, healthy relationship, you don't want to have sex for whatever reason and your partner accepts that. He doesn't guilt-trip you into it because he's not a nasty, little weasel.

The longer you are out of contact with him (and don't keep an eye on his social media, just go cold turkey) the easier it gets. And, with some help (well done for doing the freedom programme) and distance, you'll see what a nasty piece of work he is and you'll wonder why you put up with it.

You are so strong and so brave and you're going to improve in leaps and bounds.

Hes a rapist op. I'm so sorry this person is mixed up in your life. It must be agony.

Part of the cure for trauma bonds is to reach out to others and create different systems of support for yourself. If you find yourself isolated and lonely, honestly, I'd even just ring the Samaritans every day to talk through your feelings. It will help.

Do you have friends who you can call even for 10 mins each? People who will text you funny videos??

The lonelier you are, the more vulnerable you are.

I'm going to try and make more effort with my friends. I kind of stopped as every spare minute I had I wanted to be with him so I knew what he was doing and what he was up too!

I'm going to start being more social....I think he's knocked my confidence as now I try and avoid everyone!

I always thought rape is when they try even tho you say no....I never said no I just said that I have a headache or whatever and he would make me feel bad that I would go through with it.

I remember one evening I had the worst headache and he came round and was like..."what's wrong with you?" I wouldn't tell him as I knew he would think I was making it up so I started crying as I felt really bad and he just goes "oh let me guess a headache, good at these excuses aren't you" in like a sarcastic tone. I didn't want him to think I was going off him so that's why I got so upset as I physically couldn't have Sex, so he went home early. I dosed myself up on so many painkillers so that it didn't happen again that weekend!

Coercion and emotional blackmail to get sex is rape. He sounds absolutely unbearable. You poor thing x

Of course your confidence will be knocked. He worked hard to knock you down. I hope you can just reach out to friends today. Remember you dont even have to talk about the relationship. You can say "hey I've left him and I'm trying to break free emotionally, sounds silly but if you see something funny on fb or whatever, could you share it with me... trying to keep busy and laughing so that he doesn't get me down and suck me back in". See what happens.

When I'm really down and can't stop crying I often Google baby videos or cute pet videos. It's silly but it helps.

Writing how you feel here also really helps!

Ok ignore pp about him being a rapist. He is not. He is however a sexually coercive piece of shit. Which is still horrible.

Best to take note of all the nasty things he has said and look at them whenever he tries to get in touch or you feel like you want to see him.

He is gone now so if you can keep him away for a few weeks you should start to feel a lot better. Took me under a month for the fog to lift. After that the only reason you may want to get in touch again will probably just be lonelyness or nostalga, not as hard to fight off as the 'trauma bond' provided you just remind yourself what he is really like each time.

And again - coercion is not rape, if you consent it is not rape.

If you say no and he goes ahead anyway - rape.
If you say no half way through and he continues - rape.
If you say no but then he says, 'you don't love me if you don't sleep with me' so you change your mind and begrudgingly screw him - not rape.

Still horrible though and under certain circumstances, can be considered sexual cohesion, which is also illegal. But if people could stop throwing the word rape at op please, she is going through enough turmoil already ffs.

well it's pretty horrendous to coerce someone into having sex when they have an UTI, whatever you call it.

Trauma bonds are extremely hard to break, and it will take lots of time and work on your part. I don't know if you can get counselling? My counsellor suggested I have a friend that I can rely on to call if I ever need to speak, or if I ever have doubts. My friends have been very supportive. Once I shared the horrible stuff with them, it's more difficult to deny it. It's more difficult to go back from that. My friends aren't at all judgmental and they've been a lifesaver.

You need to have the freedom and capacity to give sexual consent. It is absolutely clear that you can't give consent if you are afraid, feel threatened, are asleep, being bullied, or are too drunk or whatever to make sense. Sex is something we do out of choice and when our choices and freedom to choose are compromised there is no consent. It is called rape.

Thankyou guys! I wish I could get councilling but I really can't afford it.

I can't really go to my friends as I don't know what to say? They are so sick of hearing about it and don't believe me anymore when I say it's over as I have done it so many times!

That's why I'm on here as I'm hoping you girls can get me threw and keep me realising that this is the right decision and he will not change

It's worth asking Women's Aid. They do have certain kinds of counselling. Rape Crisis also offer counselling. There are other charities who may be able to help. Women's Aid is a good starting point.

He isn't going to change. He will get worse. It takes an average of 7 attempts to leave before you are successful. Leaving isn't easy and it's really important to have a safety plan in place.

Yea I think I have left him way more than 7 times now!

I will look into women's aid.

Thankyou

Write down all the horrible things he's done and said. Read them all again every time you feel tempted to contact him.

^ this. You could even start a list here then it's in one place and you can refer to it and read the replies whenever you have the urge to get in touch with him, or feel that you want to get back together with him.

That's not a bad idea to right it down on here as all your replies will sure be horrified and that will make me realise what the hell I have been doing for the last 2 years!