Can you fall back in love with long term partner?

[richtea12]

I've been with my DP for 14 years on and off and we have one DS. We've had a lot of up and downs over the years and as a result I just don't feel I'm in love with him anymore and often think about leaving if I can ever afford to. We do get on but also argue a lot and I've have been attracted to other people although never done anything. We pretty much have no sex life and are basically house mates who sometimes get on sometimes don't. The thought of leaving and starting a new life is on my mind a lot but it would be so much easier to just be happy with him and not have the upheaval of breaking up the family. I'd love to fall in love with him again and want to fully commit and get married but the thought of that just makes me feel trapped. Can you ever the feeling back that attracted you in the first place? We've tried counseling in the past.

I really doubt it
Once the 'love' feeling has gone and you have detached emotionally I don't think you can recreate it. You can be amazing friends, but it's hard to be friends with someone who has let you down or hurt you, because you no longer trust them. So if the love just fizzled then friendship is possible but if the love was actively broken through bad treatment then neither is possible.

Personally,for me,no,once that feeling has gone there is no way to get it back.Nor would I want to.

But I guess that if both of you really want to try,then it might be possible.

Thanks, I think you're right. Its just a massive problem I don't want to have.

I could have written your post in exactly the same position with my DP of 22 years. We have 2 teenage. DC and the thought of breaking up the family is awful. I wish I could love him again like I did before but I feel like he's my brother now

@Oldgrinch it's so hard isn't it.it basically not knowing if the grass is greener and worth all the emotional upheaval and expense but I don't want to look back when it's too late and wonder what might have been. It's a vicious circle because I'm more grumpy with him because I'm not happy and that in turn makes the relationship worse.

I think relationships do wax and wane.
The grass on the other side - who knows? You might find someone amazing, you might not. You can't stay or leave for that reason.
Personally, having been with my DH now for a similar amount of time I feel happier than I did a few years ago. We've had a few difficult years but I think we're closer because of it - external stresses rather than trouble between us.
He fundamentally is a nice person with similar values and interests.
But it's very easy to get numbed by day to day monotony.
What is missing from your current situation that you miss?
I like my DH much more when he pulls his weight around the house and I don't have to ask him to do stuff. We don't get much time alone, so it still feels quite novel on the occasions that we go out just the two of us. Do you get to do anything similar?

@Beamur thanks. We do have a shared hobby and if we occasional do that together I do enjoy time with him. Problems stem in him not wanting to commit when we were younger when I did ironically and feeling I missed out on the whole wedding thing. Now I feel it's too late as I just don't have strong enough feelings to get married even though he would now. He is a good person and good father but can be a bit annoying to live with and we don't really have many shared goals. He also only wanted one child which has been hard for me to make peace with. I just wish I could stop looking at other couples enviously

Only having one child was nearly a deal breaker for me too. I would have liked more but DH didn't (has 2 other kids from 1st marriage) which I understood, but struggled with for years.
Tbh, I think very few people have perfect marriages/relationships, but you have to feel comfortable with the degree of compromise that you make.
It's really hard when it's ok rather than great or terrible!

I just think that iin my situation it's better to compromise because I could break up the family all for nothing. I would end up as a single parent in much reduced financial circumstances and my DC would suffer as a result. I still get on with DP most of the time. Also I'm not young I am 52 years old and was never very confident with the opposite sex even when I was young. I was plain and shy. The chances of me meeting a lovely life partner is practically zero I reckon. But your situation could be totally different. How old are you OP?

@OldGrinchim early 40s but I know what you mean. When I've been single I usually just ended up with idiots who mess me around so what's to say that wouldn't happen again. Does your DH know how you feel?

@Beamur I agree, we never really know what it's like for others but some people look happy and are more tactile. If only we could have a crystal ball and know what the future would hold!

I don't think you can get the love feeling back. I think it's a biological thing, you lose it a bit each year and it's just impossible to feel the same way about a DP of 14 years as you did at the beginning.

That doesn't mean you can't be happy though. If you decide to stay together, it might be better to focus on getting on, and just enjoying life in general. Rather than on hoping to feel love again, which is bound to leave you feeling disappointed.

Having said that, would you consider doing ecstasy together (light-hearted) (sort of).

It's good/sad to know there are others who feel like me.
It's my 13th wedding anniversary today, no celebration, no exchanging cards or presents and the 'love' feeling a distant memory.
Too much water under the bridge to ever get it back.

My DP has an idea of how I feel but has his head pretty firmly in the sand. I try to focus on the positive things in my life like having a job I enjoy which benefits people and seeing my DC growing up. Trying to find a balance. I guess I have accepted that I will never have that "in love" feeling again which is sad but part of me thinks that it doesn't really exist anyway and it's just a lie sold to women. Having said all that OP you are young enough to start again if you want to?

@1300cakes
Having said that, would you consider doing ecstasy together grin (light-hearted) (sort of).

Hehe! I hadn't but could be an option!

@Warmhandscoldheart sorry to hear that, I've had those let downs too.

This is something that troubles me too. My partner and I have been together for 20 years, married for 14 and have 2 children. I love my them, but I'm not sure I'm in love with them any more.

As the years have progressed, it's become more apparent that we have increasingly little in common. We don't really argue, but we don't really talk either. Our conversation pretty much centres around our children.

My partner doesn't have hobbies or circles of friends, they seem content to carry on in a job that stresses them, and then coming home to veg out. We're sort of politically aligned, but they have no interest in politics so we don't discuss it, we don't share the same film, music or books interests.

I like to be active and regularly volunteer with local groups, and am an activist around certain causes. My partner works most weekends, so we rarely spend time together and it's just me and the children.

I'm not deeply unhappy, but I wonder what it would be like to be with someone I really loved and who showed they loved me. Someone with shared passions and interests.