Please help me make sense of this

[Rad555]

Dear all, I have noticed that my husband lies frequently and always about such insignificant things. For example, he went out one night and came home at 6am but told me he came home at 4am. He said he bought a coat for £90 but it was £150. Lots of little things like this. It really annoys me a lot and I can’t make sense of it. I have spoken to him several times telling him that I would like to hear the truth and he has always apologised and said he won’t do it again but then he does it again. What the hell can I do and why the hell is he doing this? I have not reacted badly to any truth he has told me previously, but lies have broken me. Why is he like that?

My sister is like this. I think with her its an insecurity thing, but I don't really get it. Perhaps he thinks you'll think £150 is too much to spend on a coat so avoids telling you? Do you talk about money between you, and is one of you more spendthrift then the other?

He's scared of telling you. He's anxious about your reaction.

How did you find out it was 6am and £150?

Yeah he's definitely scared of your reaction.

Tell him if he lies about little things you can't trust him with things that actually matter.

And if you kick off when he does something you deem inappropriate, like spending £150 on a coat, stop.

I am more spendthrift.

I found out because we have CCTV and he had receipts in his pockets. This is what’s so insane, all the evidence is completely available.

@Rad555 why are you checking the CCTV to catch him out, though?
That's why he's lying to you. That's an unnecessary thing to check. Are you often like this?

Because I know he is lying. I don’t check it every time. Only when I feel like something is not adding up and unfortunately I am always finding something.

I think people are making assumptions here. Maybe the OP is checking stuff because he lies so frequently, rather than the checking being the cause of the lies.

OP, only you know which it is. If you are not controlling and don't give him a hard time about stuff, then it is simply that truth has no value to him. Most people value the truth, and so they will only tell a lie for good reason - to avoid getting into trouble for example. So most people on this thread assume that is why he is lying in these examples.

But some people do not value the truth, and so it is pure chance whether they lie or tell the truth - neither is preferable to them. He won't change if he is like this.

@Rad555 I think you're in a crap cycle then. He needs to stop lying and you need to trust him, but obviously you won't trust him until he stops lying and he won't stop lying because you never trust him anyway.

Do you ever overreact about little things like him coming home at 6am?

Sadly, some people are habitual liars with no regard for the truth. Some lie for an easy life, some for fun. If you are truthful yourself and value the truth, it will break your heart and destroy your trust.

If he lies repeatedly about insignificant things, how will you be able to believe anything important he says? Have you asked him not just why he does it - he probably doesn't know - but how he feels about being doubted by you every time he opens his mouth? Have you asked him how he feels about being seen as untrustworthy?

In the end, if you are not seen as deserving the truth, there is a lack of respect being shown; even a contempt for you. Is this his intention?

Woukd he discuss this with you and a couples counsellor?

@AmIThough he doesn’t lie because I don’t trust him. He just lies. Coming in at 6am is not a big deal to me so I don’t overreact; however lying about it is, and some would say I do overreact in those instances.

@ChristmasFluff Thank you for your comments, sadly, I think you are right; though I don’t think I am ready to accept it just yet

@ thank you for your insights. I think counselling is the way to go.

To him, he can't seperate out getting 'told off' for the lie or the spending/getting in at 6am. Maybe if you pride yourself on being sensible and mature he thinks he'll dissapoint you by not living up to your standards or something?

I think maybe have a few instances of laughing it off perhaps?

He says 'like my new coat, £90 in the sale'. 'hahaha, more like £150! But looks great though, good fit on you'

A few times of this may give him the confidence to be honest and break the cycle?

I divorced my first husband because of this. I figured that he couldn't be truthful with the basics there was no way I could ever trust him with the important things. Never looked back. To hell with spending your life checking and wondering if anything he says is true.

OP, do you know what his family situation was like growing up? Did he learn to lie to make life easier for him, for example? How overbearing were his parents? Was he subjected to punishment often?

My sense is that this is a learned behaviour and one that's deeply engrained, which means that unless he actively seeks help to unpick it, he will never change.

I was in a relationship where he would do the same thing as you've just described op. It was mind boggling and so bizarre. The truth was in front of you and he would still lie. Lying for the sake of lying. Worst thing was they were petty lies to start and then grew into vile hurtful lies. It also manifested into deeper issues throughout the years.

@OlderthenYoungerNow

This isn't something that OP should be taking responsibility for fixing. This guy is an adult and can choose to work on his behaviour if he so wishes.

I don’t think it matters. These are small lies to make him feel not so bad when he’s been late home or spent too much. Many people tell little white lies about trivialities. I do. It doesn’t mean that he’s untrustworthy about important things. I’d just ignore it.

WTF at pp saying this is Op responsibility or that it doesn't matter. Her husband continually lies to her and it's her fault/she needs to put up with it/needs to learn to trust him? She'll be doing a massive.disservice to herself if she trusts him. Even if he stops lying now it should be a long time before she trusts him again

Not saying she should take responsibility for it but if she wants to see whether she can have a happier home life with a relatively easy small temporary change, I don't see why anyone - man or woman - wouldn't at least try it. He could also take easy action by not fucking lying about stupid things in the first place but he isn't asking my advice so i can't tell him that 🤷‍♀️

If it works and he stops it, jobs a goddun. If the OP isn't prepared to try or she does and it doesn't stop then at she knows that this is something she can't let go and they'll probably need to seperate. Who could live like this for the next, say, 50 years? Infuriating.

@olderthenyoungernow your post at 8.21 def suggests a way for the OP to try to fix this . HE is the problem. HE needs to change

@AFistfulofDolores1 I do think this is learned behaviour as his dad was very strict and often used punishment to ‘teach’ him a lesson. So I can imagine he would have lied to make his life easier. And I do think that sometimes he doesn’t even realise he is doing it. I will explore this with him further, but so far I have never seen him be angry at his dad for being so mean. He does tell friends his childhood stories but always in a humorous way and when I have asked him about it, he still laughs it off and says it like a story as opposed to ‘this thing happened to me and it was unacceptable’. I can see it would be difficult to change that behaviour. I Explaining the behaviour is one thing but it is not acceptable to me to live like that. I do think he will be open to change. But where and how do we start tackling this.

@olderthenyoungernow I do agree with you, whilst his behaviour is unacceptable I am willing to help him make changes and it is me who is affected by all of this.

No, my first post is still about things that the OP can do. I'm replying to her thread, not his as I've said. explaining why he might be doing this isn't excusing his behaviour. Different things!

He needs to change, 100% agree. The OP can either enable the change, or not and leave.

Hopefully it'll work and the lies will stop! Win win for everyone really.

What does he say when you tell him you know he is lying OP? Is he embarrassed or argue the point? Or even worse laugh it off?

I'd explain some of this thread to him. That you find it pointless and it is eating away at you. You would rather he be 100% honest from now on...?

I have just asked him about it. He asked why I checked the camera and that if I don’t trust him then I shouldn’t be with him. He said I am always accusing him and I can’t recall that. He said he was drunk and didn’t check the time properly and to him there is no difference between 4am and 6am. The bottom line is that he believes he did not lie. And has told me that he no longer wants to be with me and wants a divorce. It has absolutely broken me and I can’t pull myself together.

I'm sorry OP but he hasn't just broken up with you over you asking what time he came in at. He is either very unhappy, for whatever reason, or he is cheating and is trying to turn the tables and lay blame at you because you caught him coming home late.