Hello, my boyfriend and I had been together for 13 yrs. I was 16 when we got together and he was 27. We met in his home country where I happened to emigrate to with my family 2 years prior at the age of 14. He was my first boyfriend and first everything. We moved in together and life was good. As time passed my family left this country to go back to the UK leaving me behind as I was living with my boyfriend anyway. Since leaving education at 18 I wanted to further my education but whilst living in this new country it was impossible at that time due to lack of resources. I had looked at going to university in the uk but this meant leaving my boyfriend and family and I didnt have the strength to. However when my family made the move back to the UK I took this as my opportunity to further my education. I was 22 at this point and had lived 4 years wanting to further my education. I discussed it with my boyfriend and we agreed I could go back for 3 years to gain my qualification. So that is what I did. 3 years i studied and worked and gained my qualification. I used all of my annual leave and took unpaid leave to visit my boyfriend. He would visit occasionally too. (He is self employed and has a seasonal job so only works during the summer..)
And at the 2 years 9 months mark I came back to cyprus. But my qualification was wasted. There were no jobs within my profession that had prospects or paid well enough. I would earn 50% more working in a bar so that's what I did. I went back to bar work. Again this job was seasonal so my boyfriend and i agreed we would spend summers in cyprus and winters in England with my family. This worked but he never came with me for the agreed period. He would always fly back to cyprus for weeks at a time whereas I would stick to my word and spend a solid 6-7 months during the summer with him. This affected our relationship as I felt I wasnt worth anything to him. I compromised my career to be with him and he couldn't give me his time when he wasnt working. This had a huge strain on our relationship and we argued, broke up and got back together again every winter. Even in the summers the same would happen. I would be in cyprus working during the summers and he would be working also. However his days were long and I hardly saw him. The stress from his self employment made him not a nice person to be around and again we argued, broke up and got back together.
As you can gather, we haven't had a perfect relationship and a lot of resentment built up on both our parts. We did love each other though and that's what kept us going. Last year I fell pregnant. I spent the majority of my pregnancy throughout the winter in the uk surrounded by friends and family in the house I bought 2 years ago as an investment and we made a joint decision to give birth to the baby in the uk. This however meant I would go for weeks at a time without seeing him, even though he wasn't working he still chose to spend a lot of time back in cyprus. It was difficult for me being heavily pregnant and on my own. He flew back to the uk for 3 weeks for the birth and left when our son was 10 days old. It was June and his busy season at work which I completely understand. However it was difficult for me. I had a long traumatic labour and lost a lot of blood. I was breastfeeding which was extremely demanding and it wasnt easy being alone and not being able to recover. My family and friends were all hands on deck but it's not the same as being at home with your SO and new baby.
I focused on getting the babies passport asap and me and baby flew to Cyprus at 4 weeks old.
We had to move house in cyprus during the pregnancy and I'd flown over to cyprus at 32 weeks pregnant to unpack and organise the new place. From that point on it was his responsibility to complete what needed to be done in time for mine and babies arrival.
However when we arrived back the place was a mess. There were boxes of his stuff piled high. Bin bags and random suitcases full of his clothes that he hadn't unpacked. There was 1 set of sheets on the bed and the others were missing. Boxes, bags and piles of random baby stuff that had been passed on from his friends were stuffed in every corner and the only wardrobe. There was also no furniture. Only a bed in the bedroom and a sofa in the living room. No drawers, dining table, tables .. nothing. The place was bare and littered with bags and boxes of random stuff with no order whatsoever. The fridge was also completely empty.
After a few days of chipping away through the mess I broke down. He was still at work for 12 hours a day and going for his routine beers afterwards. Whilst I was struggling with a newborn in extreme heat trying to organise his stuff in a house that was not a home. I couldn't go out during the day time because of the extreme heat. I asked him to get some bread and milk and fruit from the shop so I had food. And he would bring a meal from his mums so I could eat.
The switch for the car boot was also broken so the pushchair I had to separate and put half on the backseat and half on the passenger seat. It was a struggle. It took him a month to sort the switch out. He wasnt helpful with the baby either. For example I would have to breastfeed and cook at the same time (not ideal) while he was sat on the phone to his friends outside. He wouldn't tend to the baby if he was crying I would have to ask him to watch the baby so I could have a shower. We slept in separate rooms because his snoring kept me awake when sleep is valuable with a baby. He smokes and drinks a minimum of 4 beers a night which became his priority. He can drink what he wants as long as he can function but I dont agree with him choosing to sit outside smoking and drinking when he has a baby inside that he hasn't seen all day.
Spending all day every day thinking about this awful living situation with the added disadvantage of being in a different country than my family and friends made me realise 'I don't want this' I dont want to be this unhappy, I want to be happy so my baby is happy.
3 months in I made the decision to separate from him. He was devastated and so was I. But I told him I cant live like this forever. I dont go out I dont do anything I sit at home and wait for him and he isn't interactive when he gets back anyway. We dont do anything together.. not even food shopping. We've never done that together it's always me doing everything alone. His idea of spending time was taking me to the local pub for food. Which is where he spends a lot of his time.
So we decided to split.. but I vowed to stick to my word and stay in cyprus for the rest of the season so he could be with his boy.
(I did take a quick trip to the uk for my friends wedding just after our conversation about the split and I met a guy there.. nothing happened but he messaged me on Facebook a few weeks later and we've been casually talking through messages.)
So me and my 'ex' have been cohabiting for 6 weeks now (as I have nowhere else to go) and I've noticed the past 2 weeks he has been out every night. I dont mind because I need the space and I assumed he was with his friends needing support as the breakup did hit him hard.
Anyway he lied to me the other night about going on a date with someone to see my reaction.. he then proceeded to tell me that there is someone he is speaking to and he likes her.. she works at the local pub (where I am known also from when we go there together) he has been going there every night until closing to speak to her, having heart to hearts and deep conversations. Connecting on an emotional level.
He tried to have sex with me after telling me this and I declined. I said he should go and sleep with her not me. His response was "no, she is a good character and a pure person I dont want to ruin it by sleeping with her straight away"
That was the stab in the heart. I'm devastated and I dont know why?! Yes I'm messaging someone but I'm home alone, im bored. I've felt unloved for a long time.
He has his freedom, he is surrounded by family and friends in his home town I thought he would go to them for comfort but he's already found a potential new woman. Also on the other hand he keeps saying he would come back to me for the sake of our child and he will change etc. Because he loves me so much and he would marry me. I'm so confused.
Also I know he isn't lying about it because we walked past the local the other day and he was so awkward near her because I was there. And the one good thing I respect about him is his honesty.
I was coping so well with this break up until that bombshell and now it's all hit me and I've been in tears for days. I've been housebound cleaning cooking for him and washing his clothes while hes been out finding someone else.. I feel so naive and stupid. I didnt think it would take him 6 weeks to move on..
We have been together for over 13 years now.. he is my 'constant' my security and I know he loves me but I just wasnt happy with the whole situation and the way this has hit me hard has made me wonder whether I should try with the relationship again for the sake of our child. Or to continue with my decision to protect my child from a potentially unstable / unhappy home. My initial thinking was to do it while hes young so he isn't affected by it later on in life.
I just dont know if I've made the right decision. I was confident about it until he dropped the bombshell about this other woman.
Sorry for the long post. Any advice would be appreciated.
Also I'd like to add that the baby was not planned and I didnt think I could have children so aborting was NOT an option.