Oh god, I think my marriage is ending.

[Glitterkitten24]

I have recently started a new career, for which I studied full time last year. Last year was tough with only my husband earning and me studying intensely to get through the year- money was very tight, but we made it through.

This year I have started in my first year of my intense new career. We have DC 7 and 3. I am working hard at having work/ life balance but I have a lot of work to do at home/ weekends. I feel like a shit mum/ wife and shit at my job just now. I’m working flat out.

My DH has a history of depression and is medicated. He can’t communicate when he has a problem, but bottles it up and huffs about it. He has taken to leaving a room when I enter it, and giving me one word answers to questions. We only communicate about the children, and even then we are sniping at each other about stupid stuff we can normally work out.
He withdraws to another room as soon as I come into a room, and we haven’t spoken properly all weekend. I feel so unconnected.
I know he’s depressed but I feel so angry that he won’t go to doc for a review of antidepressants and just gives in to it. I had PND so am not insensitive to what he’s going through, but felt I mainly got better by pushing myself to interact/ shower/ force myself to do it even though it was hard. I feel like he’s just giving in to it.
And we have never been less connected and are on the verge of splitting up.

This message is an absolute ramble, but I just feel like everything is an absolute mess, and I’m giving it my all but he’s just given up and shut up on us. And I don’t know how to fix it before we end up splitting!
Anyone have any thoughts on what I can do to make this is work and get through to him that we need to talk to get through this?

My wife and myself are terrible at communicating and it feels like our marriage is ending - all I can say is try everything you can and if it isn’t enough then you can leave with your head held high. I don’t know why adults in relationships act like children (I’m guilty of this) but it takes courage to try and break the cycle. I hope it gets better for you

Ia there someone that could or would mediate? He might not be as rude with a third party there? Or write him a letter as he cant ignore it and has time to formulate a response?

I don’t think anyone would mediate @gettingabitdesperate, or more like my DH wouldn’t entertain it. He’s been offered CBT for depression by doctor previously, but can’t talk to another person about his troubles like that.
I’ve suggested relate/ couple councilling- he’s refused.

Sorry to hear you are going through similar @DadandFail, it’s bloody tough!
I feel so ready when I think about aerating cos it’s not what I want. But I can’t continue on a relationship with someone who can’t talk it through. We have the same fights over and over again because nothing is ever resolved. It drives me bananas!

He needs to go back to his GP to have his meds upped/changed, and ideally he needs to get therapy, whether he likes the idea or not.

I would give him an ultimatum- say he gets further help or you can't carry on with the relationship. You can't go on like this.

Well if he’s resistant to talking, couples therapy and not willing to go to the Dr, you have your answer. Get help or you’re out of there.

The problem is that I think if you say 'right, if you don't get help, this marriage is over' he will just shrug and say 'yeah, okay' is that what you are afraid of? That he lacks the energy to do anything about the situation and he'll give in to the easiest answer (ie, you telling him what's going to happen).

I don't know how practical it would be for the two of you to have a sit down conversation (without the children and without interruption from you having to work). Even if you have to talk without him saying a wordm at least you will have put your view across. He may well do and say nothing, but he can't say that he wasn't aware of how you felt.

He may be wanting to split up but wanting you to do all the heavy lifting of making it happen. You need to know.