Life after emotional abuse

[Newmeboys]

I left an emotionally abusive ex in January 2018. He was a narcissistic, gas-lighting, bully. There was two episodes where he grabbed me, hands round neck and spat in my face once and times he wished me dead.

On paper I've sorted out my life. We have two boys he sees regularly. I've bought a house, got a lovely boyfriend who treats me really well, friends, job/carer (never reached my full potential as i did EVERYTHING house/child wise, his carer has flourished). I'm just not myself or happy. Is there a period of readjustment, mourning of the past?? I've had some counselling which has helped but I'm still definitely not right? Any helpful thoughts or suggestions please? Xxx

Do you still have feelings for him?

I lost complete respect for him and fell out of love with him about 18 months before I left. I feel very angry with him for the way he treated me. Xx

I have no idea but I will be watching your thread with interest to see if there is any good advice. I haven’t had any counselling (can’t afford to go private and can’t fathom speaking to my GP) and haven’t met anyone else as I barely leave the house unless I’m going to work/kids school or activity/ supermarket. It’s been nearly two years. I can’t tell if this is how I am now or if something will start to shift.

Possibly the anger of what you have been through is holding you back from being happy.

Life sounds like it is on way up for you now. Unfortunately the scars of what you have been through are still lying around.

Maybe look into counselling to help you

Might get some CBT. Xx

Could this be relationship PTSD? I think it does take a long time to adjust. Could you be depressed? Have you seen a dr? Sorry you’re feeling this way x

I'm already on citalopram for anxiety (no shit!!!😫). More fed up I think, just hope it settles eventually. More therapy needed I think. Xxx

Another crappy day, going to ring occupation health tomorrow and sort some counselling. Xxx

Good idea OP. I have a feeling as long as you are self aware and pro active things will gradually move to the better. Major life changes inevitably take a long time to adjust to.

well it's not just emotional abuse is it OP? He's assaulted you too.

I would agree that counselling would help you a lot. Particularly with the anger - which is (by the way) a completely valid and healthy feeling (and it would be worrying if you weren't angry). I would also consider whether you do have ptsd and/or depression. I know Citalopram helps with anxiety, but what about an anti depressant? Depression can just be flatness rather than all out depression.

Your counsellor will help with processing the anger. I think it takes time to get over an abusive relationship like this. I was attacked by my ex boyfriend just under a year ago, and it was the end of a relationship filled with coercive control, abuse, violence, lies, gaslighting, cheating and anxiety. I also have a lovely new boyfriend now and actually my job and life have gone through strength to strength (thanks to my ex strangely) , but he left me at rock bottom.

Terrified and anxious. Suffering ptsd. Unable to sleep, with flashbacks and nightmares. Depression too. I still have nightmares about him a year on. I still get terrified when I see his name - he's recently been in contact on social media, and I found it so so stressful -'~ I can't imagine what it would be like to have to see my abuser regularly as you do.

Other than that I have done lots of self help strategies including yoga, meditation, gratitudes and affirmations. I have made an effort to see lots of friends, even when I didn't want to, and get lots of exercise and fresh air. I have got dogs too (unconnected with this) but find they bring me great joy.

I think it just takes time. Good luck op.

Thank you, Anna sorry you've struggled too, time is a great healer, onwards and upwards. Xxxx😘

Six years on for me and I still have periods where it really affects me - after only 18 months where you still have to see him all the time I'm not surprised you don't feel better, and I also recognise the frustration - after so much unhappiness and getting to a better place you expect that you should be happy but your mind and your body just won't let you. It will get better. If you can have more counselling it could help, but most of all I think just be gentle with yourself and give yourself time x

Just over two years on for me.

I have accepted that the relationship and the abuse has changed the landscape of my life, and me, forever. I will never be "over" it. I have days where I don't think about it, but whenever I hit an obstacle in the form of a tricky situation, I often find it difficult to deal with it as rationally as I would have before. I have been on the Womens Aid counselling list for almost two years, and have recently started that which is helping. Before that I was having weekly one-on-one sessions with my case worker, which also really helped.

My friends have commented that I seem to have recently turned a corner, and seem more myself now. But perhaps I'm just better at hiding it because it hasn't gone away.

If I had DCs with him, I would find it ten times harder to move on and feel happy and relaxed.

The nightmares are still quite regular, and I do have PTSD

I'm so sorry OP.
I can't even begin imagine how long it would take to get over all of that.
I won't be quick though.
Be kind to yourself.
Look after yourself.
You are doing all the right things.

You might find this helpful:
www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/emotional-support-and-counselling/

I don't know where you are, the Woman's Trust offers free counselling for survivors of domestic abuse if you are in London: womanstrust.org.uk/about-us/contact-us/ If you're not in London, they may know of agencies in your area that offer help.

Although the experience of abuse is unique to each survivor, it is often helpful to be amongst others who have experienced it. It really helps to be listened to and understood. You may find that there are groups near you for survivors. You may find that individual trauma/abuse therapy helps.

It's important to be kind to yourself. You weren't responsible for what happened to you, you got out and you're so brave for having moved forward with your life. Be gentle to yourself as you'll have set backs and, that's ok.