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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Confused. Advice please

8 replies

DadandFail · 03/11/2019 22:09

I've been married for 2.5 years - our beautiful baby is a year and a half old. We got married quickly (dating for less than a year before engagement) but she really pushed to get married and start a family straight away. Talked a lot about how fidelity and trust is the most important thing as both been hurt in past and I was so happy at meeting someone I thought was my soul mate. Fast forward to two months ago - she tells me we've never had a good sexual connection and she feels she's married her best friend. Tells me she has been messaging her ex - I then read her emails sneakily and she has been emailing him since we first met. He didn't reply but she has been saying things like wish we were getting married. I can't help but feel the ground beneath my feet has shifted. She got drunk and told me she doesn't fancy me and we should go to counselling but when sober won't consider it. I feel very angry, betrayed and confused. Yet just 2 weeks after (drunkenly) telling me she wants a divorce she tells me she wants another baby. My head is a mess. I love her but I'm so confused. We have some financial and family pressures which cause some hardship but really it's not that much. I just feel very isolated now and lonely as someone who I thought was my soulmate is really someone I feel I don't know. Is this part of the rite of marriage? Is this normal? I started seeing a therapist as I'm sure I have some baggage but this has caused me more issues as they ask things like 'what does your wife feel about X?' And I have no answer. I wonder if we should part but the anxiety around ruining our child's life is almost unbearable and deep down I know I love my wife even if I don't see what I can do to save our marriage. Anyone been in a remotely similar situation? I'm hoping the kindness of strangers can cast some light on the way forward...

OP posts:
Lozzerbmc · 04/11/2019 03:43

This must have been a terrible shock for you. It sounds like she wanted to get married and have a family far too soon and was not over her ex. I think she has to be honest and agree to couples counselling or you should part company. Your baby is young and you can still bring up a child happily apart. You can still be a great dad. It wouldn’t do your DD any good growing up in a house where her parents weren’t happy. I’m not sure your wife will make you happy long term.

NerdyCurvyInkedandPervy · 04/11/2019 03:54

It sounds as though you love her very much - but she really doesn't love you. I think perhaps you gave her what she wanted - a marraige and a family- but then the reality of what she'd done has set in and she doesn't like it.

She's treating you very badly indeed and you don't deserve that at all. I agree with pp who said that you can still be a good dad apart, and your daughter is young enough not to know any different.

I think the fact that she's been messaging her ex - even though he hasn't replied - all along shows you that she was never really invested in you or your marriage.

If i were in your situation i would end the 'relationship' asap.

DadandFail · 04/11/2019 07:49

@NerdyCurvyInkedandPervy @Lozzerbmc thank you for taking the time to respond, it’s really appreciated. I’ll keep insisting on couples counselling and if it doesn’t happen I think I know what the answer is. X

OP posts:
Lozzerbmc · 04/11/2019 15:59

Hopefully she might realise what she has to loose, but if she’s not up for counselling then as you say, you have the answer. You deserve better. Good luck

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 04/11/2019 16:03

She's been emailing her ex the whole time you've been together?

Sorry but that's terrible. She's been deceiving you all the way through.

Why are you not angry about this? Why do you not think you deserve better? You really do.

Lifeisabeach09 · 04/11/2019 16:09

Split whilst your DC is a baby. Your DC will grow up in two households with parents who, hopefully, have a good co-parenting relationship. This is what she'll remember. Break ups are far harder on older children.

DadandFail · 04/11/2019 16:59

Thanks for the advice.
She mentioned that she only did it because she needed closure (she was ghosted apparently) and out of the blue a month or so ago he got in contact and explained why he had left her and now she has closure. She said she’s not sorry it happened but sorry it hurt me. It doesn’t help me feel better, however.

OP posts:
Dadaist · 04/11/2019 17:12

OP - read what you’ve written..” she has been saying things like wish we were getting married” - to her ex!! That’s not a search for closure but for escape!
You stand NO chance of outing this right if you show her you are a pushover- she will resent you even more for being a doormat - and even less attractive. I’d say you need to reset your relationship-take the initiative and move out, agree to split the care of your daughter. Then, arrange for counselling to sort through what’s actually going on for both of you.
I really think that if you live her you must step up now - if you try to shrug this off and stumble on your life will be misery.

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