How do I leave?

[JesusHChristOnABike]

I'll try & keep this brief but feel like there's so much info that might be relevant.
I've been married to H for 2 years, together 3 years before that. I have 3 DS aged 13, 12 & 9 & he has two DDs aged 7 & 10.

H left his ex for me. I'm ashamed of that but he convinced me I was the big love of his life & his ex was a borderline narcissist.

We have had a lot of issues in our time together, mostly centred around my eldest son's ADHD & the horrific relationship between him & H which has been occasionally physical.

H is something of a control freak & has not been able to handle life with my eldest DS at all well. This has resulted in huge stress for us all leading to a diagnosis of anxiety for both my youngest son & H himself.

In the past year, I've caught H on 3 separate occasions sending inappropriate messages to women he's met either through work or through adult hook up sites. He swears blind he never shagged any of them & that he was just after some positive attention away from the home environment. Pathetic,

Over the last couple of months, my eldest DS has literally become unrecognisable, he's a joy to be around & his relationship with H is incomparable to what it was before.

Despite this, H continues to be in a perpetual dark mood & snapping at everyone, taking to his bed as he's feeling so down & essentially blaming me for not supporting him. Whatever the fuck that means...?!?!

My youngest son is terrified of him & his temper. He makes me feel constantly on edge. I think I actively dislike him most of the time. He drinks far too much & is a horrible, nasty cunt when he's pissed. I've had several lots of counselling myself & all my counsellors have suggested that H is emotionally abusive

It all came to a bit of a head this week & I told the boys that I think we should leave. My eldest two sons are begging me not to go & to work it out with H. They've said they'll never forgive me if we leave. My youngest son would leave tonight if he could.

I feel like I'm stuck in a nightmare. We are financially intertwined, I have no money of my own, can't buy a house & we have two dogs which my sons adore & which we would really struggle to take into rented accommodation.

What should I do?

I'm really sorry to hear all this, you're so brave to reach out and to have come to a decision. Given your husband's behaviour, you are making absolutely the right choice and you really do need to get out.

I suggest you go to the CABx and make an app with an advisor who can help you sort out how to leave. Their website has lots of useful information on getting a divorce: www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/ending-a-relationship/how-to-separate/getting-a-divorce/ They also have links to solicitors and advice agencies that they can refer you to.

Rights of Women give free legal advice on family law.

Your husband is abusive, it sounds like he's been abusing you for years. Please get in contact with Women's Aid in order to organise a safety plan so that you can safely exit the relationship.

While you're organising the exit, please don't tell your husband of your plans as his behaviour could escalate. Your sons are children and it's your responsibility to safeguard them and do what's best for them. I understand that they want to remain as a family but unfortunately, that's not possible.

You take your time. You plan it. You scout for accommodation that will take dogs. He'll probably take it out on the poor dogs if you don't.

No rush. Just definitely and slowly plan an escape.

Your h sounds disgusting

Thank you to all of you for being so kind. I've partly managed to convince myself that I'm to blame. He twists & turns everything to make me feel at fault & seems to have convinced my two eldest boys that I'm imagining all the problems.

You are not to blame. That is what abusers do, they play mind games, they manipulate, they tell you black is white and white is black. They are doing it because they want to control you and they want power. It's not your fault sweetheart, don't believe that.

It's very common for the abuser to get the children involved, and of course, children are learning how to treat you from the abuser. You just need to focus on getting out of there. Stop doubting yourself, you're not to blame.

This time next year, you'll be looking forward to Christmas with your beautiful children, with your dogs, in your home. You'll be safe and happy and so, so, thankful to have left. Just take it one step at a time.

Give Women's Aid a call once your husband has left the house and start making plans to leave. You can do this.

You aren’t to blame, your H is making you feel that way purposely. Agree with others take your time to make a plan. Are you working?

Ultimately you know what is best for your DCs. You have to look ahead to happier and calmer times. You can do it.