Struggling with break up

[Cyllie33]

We’d been together two years - I know that’s not much in the great scheme of things and have seen people here bravely talk about the end of relationships that have been much longer and more complex...

So I don’t feel I have a right to complain. But I’m 38 and I thought this was it. We were going to move in together next year. I’ve been single before and I have a great network of friends and family. But I’m just so sad. It keeps hitting me. It’s been a month. I really cared for him.

Well of course you are, it's only been a month. It comes in waves, but eventually the peaks and troughs will not be so high and low, and will space further apart. It WILL change.

Big hug you definitely will feel better in time.

Thanks kleptronic that’s helpful. I just feel so rejected.

Time is the only thing. It will get better. Keep to no contact to speed up the healing process.

So sorry OP, it's really tough. Could you make it into a positive and maybe book a holiday/ take up an instrument? Not being patronising, I started to do this after a few breakups and it helped me focus a bit. Give yourself time xxx

Try to reframe it. You really care for him. You, I assume, felt connected. He didn't, or at least doesn't any more. He's not rejecting you - he wasn't able, for whatever reason, to properly connect with you in the first place, or can't continue building on it.

You, as a person in your entirety, have not been rejected - that isn't really possible, because no one can 100% 'connect' with another person, it's not possible and besides would be unhealthy.

The transaction - sorry to be blunt, but that's what it is, a social/emotional/intellectual/sexual/financial etc. transaction, over time, episodic, influenced by events, past histories, previous emotional experiences - wasn't working for him.

Whatever the reason(s) (I have no idea) it's not a rejection of you as a person - it's a rejection of the dynamics you both shared, over time. I'm not explaining this very well. He can't reject you as a person. He has decided the shared journey so far is not one he wants to continue.

Ok so the point might be moot - you feel just as bad anyway. But please, please see, it's not YOU. It's the time spent with aspects of you and aspects of himself he has decided wasn't a net positive for him.

You've had the choice taken away from you, and that's really hard - but please, don't put it all on yourself!

2 years is a significant amount of time x
I left a 23 yr marriage and 3 weeks ago I left a year long relationship and both have been heart breaking.
I write a little note on my phone and update it every day, along the lines of....

21 days, well done, it’s hard but you’re doing great and this will get better.
There are a million combinations out there, this one wasn’t right for you.
You deserve to be happy. The pain you feel is one step closer to getting better.
You will be ok in time.
What did mum used to say? - if they make you cry, have one final, big bloody bawl and be done with them. Don’t allow them the chance to hurt you again

And I read it/ update it depending on how I’m feeling.

Get out n about, keep busy.
I go running. Even in the pissing rain, it exorcises the pain! Stay off booze, get early nights, eat well. Be your own best friend xx

2 years is a significant time and its the loss of your hopes and dreams for the future. It takes time and i think it comes and goes in waves but gradually you’ll feel better. Exercise got me through it! Be kind to yourself, do things that make you feel good.