Bottled proposal...

[Sparkey47]

So a week after giving birth, some friends came round to see the baby and one of them said to my partner in front of me “what happened to you doing the thing?” So obviously I questioned it as you would, so my partner told me that was the day he planned to propose to me, he was going to make the baby’s first outfit read ‘will you marry me?’ and then he was going to do the whole thing. So obviously I’m a bit emotionally already with baby blues but then this set me off thinking I’d put him off or done something wrong to make him not want to do it, and I’m quite embarrassed because he’d told quite a few of our friends that this was his plan so now I feel like they will think I’ve put him off as well.
Anyways he assured me I’d done nothing wrong and he simply bottled it with asking my dad’s permission and also he said he really didn’t want to take the day away from the baby like it was her special day, and he was scared I would find the proposal outfit in the hospital bag. He said while I was pregnant that he would propose to me by the end of the year, and stuck by that when I found out about his plan, so basically it’s getting near the end of the year now, and I’m becoming quite worried that he’s not going to do it by then, and then I will be really questioning in my head why he hasn’t done it, the baby has put a stress on our relationship obviously but now she’s 4 months old we’re a lot better now we’re getting some sleep, our relationship has always moved very fast since the beginning so I would expect it’s because he wants to slow things down. Being pregnant absolutely destroyed my body with so many stretch marks and weight gain, so I’m really worried that’s putting him off even though he assured me he still finds me beautiful and sexy, I just don’t know what to do if he doesn’t propose, should I say something? I’m just getting myself all worked up about it the closer it gets to the end of the year 😞

What Rookiemere wrote.

I can't believe people are getting upset about him asking (or not) your fathers permission. Yes he doesn't need to, and if her dad said no they could still get married, but that's really not the issue.

To me a man thinking a romantic occasion is when I'm covered in blood, sick and god knows what else after pushing an 8lb lump out my bits would be a much bigger problem. Way to prove he's only marrying you because you have a child together!

Doesn't it take a fun away if you know when he's going to do it, and if you're putting so much thought into it?

At least we're all agreed your friend is a shit stirring pillock.

Bit late for permission as you've had a baby

Talk to him see where the future is for both of you. Better to know now than wait and waste your life

our relationship has always moved very fast since the beginning so I would expect it’s because he wants to slow things down

How long have you been together OP? It sounds as though you may have gone from dating to parenthood and a shared home quite quickly?

I can't believe people are getting upset about him asking (or not) your fathers permission. Yes he doesn't need to, and if her dad said no they could still get married, but that's really not the issue.

Damn right it's not the issue. The issue is why an adult woman in 2019 thinks it's 'romantic' and a 'nice tradition' to have the man she's just had a baby with pretend-ask her father to pretend-give his permission for her to make a major life decision.

And it's not unrelated to her sense of herself as passive prize whose potential future marriage all kinds of other people know about or have a say in, only not her. Instead she's posting on here to know whether it would be unreasonable to 'say something' which might spoil Mr Bottler's next planned 'surprise'.

@rookiemere why would I marry him just to better my financial position? That’s not a reason I want to marry for...😕

I cannot believe that people, particularly many young women, still do not realise this in 2019.

Marriage also confers legal rights not given to the unmarried partner. You are extremely vulnerable in a legal sense and I would think your man knows this as well.

If this man heaven forbid dropped down dead whilst you and he are unmarried you would be up the creek without a paddle legally speaking. Whilst dealing with your own emotional grief you will be up to your neck in a financial nightmare at the same time and you may well have to come to rely on his parents goodwill as well. The law will indeed treat you and sees you currently as two separate individuals unrelated to each other. Have you for instance made wills?. Probably not. You should.

I presume that this child has his surname as well. Am I correct in this assumption?.

You've handed over way too much power here to him here and he knows it too.

You want him to do these things because you are romantic and that’s how you want it to look like. Sounds like he is using all these barriers not to do it.

Either he doesn’t want to get married or he doesn’t want to do it ‘your’ way. Which is it? Sounds like you’re after a proposal story to tell people and have put pressure on him to provide one so he’s dragging his feet. Why don’t you just have a conversation about getting married, decide to get married (if that’s what he wants) and then go and choose a ring together?

@rookiemere why would I marry him just to better my financial position

Because unless you have an independent source of wealth (do you?), having a baby with someone can put you in a very vulnerable position if you are unmarried.

Dear God! Can't believe the amount of people complaining about him wanting to 'ask' her DF! My DP asked my DF a few months before and I was glad he did it meant he respected my parents too! Yes it is 2019 but some things are just about respect and courtesy. He will ask when he's ready and you're least expecting it ☺

My DP asked my DF a few months before and I was glad he did it meant he respected my parents too! Yes it is 2019 but some things are just about respect and courtesy

'Respect and courtesy' to whom? Would it be respectful and courteous if your bank manager phoned your father to check whether it was OK with him when you applied for a mortgage? If a builder you've hired to do some work on your house says he'll just check with your dad before he starts doing the work?

@Sparkey47 so why do you want to marry him, because every thread you've posted recently (including 3 in the past 2 days - I'm only bringing this up because you even posted a thread about people being mean about him on your other threads) have been about how he's shit and lazy. So what's the actual attraction?

At least make wills. If DH and I hadn't been married, I couldn't have claimed bereavement support payment from DWP (it's a paltry amount but only available to married widows) and probate would have been more difficult, with the kids inheriting everything because DH didn't make a will. Luckily we were married so I automatically inherited his savings, house and pension. It may sound morbid but its important to consider these things.

@AmIThough Because I love him. Yes I’ve been having a good old moan the last few days, so does everyone. He’s not shit and lazy, he works hard and goes to uni on top of work. But yes I would love him to help out more around the house and have the baby more, as would many women. He’s a genuinely lovely person, he makes me laugh and smile so much, he looks after me and is ‘the one’ for me.

Things he does annoy me so I had a rant, as I’m sure he does about me to. This whole thread has just been blown out of proportion, everyone focusing on asking my fathers permission, it was just a minor irrelevant detail. People saying he didn’t do it because he doesn’t want to marry me, not the advice I was looking for and also isn’t true 🙄 I’m not putting any pressure on him to propose, in fact I haven’t even mentioned it to him since I found out, nor did I pester him about it beforehand, he just said he would do it. I’m just awaiting it because he said he would do it by the end of the year, however my friends just told me her fiancé also said this and then did it on Valentine’s Day, so I guess I shouldn’t dwell on the end of the year too much.

Thanks for everyone’s advice, however I thought all us mums were supposed to support each other, but it’s come to my realisation this isn’t the case. I’ve seen this on other threads people just being plain bitchy and insensitive.

I’m so done with this thread. wishing there was a delete button

You’re probably all going to disagree with everything I’ve just said but whatever I’m done with this site.

Peace out mumsnet ✌🏻

@Sparkey47 there you go! You know you want to be with him and you know he wants to be with you. You know he bottled it once so he'll probably bottle it again but you know he'll get there eventually.

You don't need reassurance from strangers.

We can only judge based on what you post and if you only post the negatives that's what people are going to respond to.

Good luck - I hope he does propose.

And for what it's worth, posters on MN are fantastic if you need some real life, serious support or advice.

I’m just awaiting it because he said he would do it by the end of the year,

You seem obsessed by this ‘end of the year’ cut off! How did this date come about as it seems like he’s trying to fob you off.

I would expect it’s because he wants to slow things down

You have a baby together, so your priority now is making the future secure financially for that child. Marriage offers you legal protection if a "worse case" scenario, happens, ask any woman who had a partner die how difficult things were to navigate legally and financially and how their circumstances could have been improved if they had been married.

Many people claim that marriage is "just a piece of paper" but so is home insurance until your house burns to the ground and you are left with nothing, all of a sudden that piece of paper becomes very important. take a step back from the romance and proposals OP and get a good idea of where you stand financially and legally in a "worse case" scenario and start to protect yourself and your child.

Theres nothing romantic about it though OP, women on here actually are supporting other women by attempting to dissuade them away from these endless 'traditions' that place us as second class citizens to men. They really aren't nice and respectful gestures, you've been had if you think it. They're very deeply rooted in misogyny and the control of women, as is the concept that you are not equal enough in your relationship to just commence or ask for an engagement, you must sit at home and be good enough that he will claim you, and then feel lucky that he has.

As equal partners you can discuss getting engaged, if everyone agrees they want to, you are engaged therefore. Unfortunately OP, something clearly has changed, if he has decided against it. You can only either discuss that with him, ask him to marry you and set a date, or have a think about how you feel should he no longer want to marry and will you stay with him regardless, if the concept is very important to you.

As an aside, your 'friend' sounds unpleasant and not any friend to you.

Good post, @dontgobaconmyheart.

My husband asked my dad for my 'hand' before he proposed and I never thought of it as disrespectful. Quite the opposite, I found it very romantic and sweet. He also bought a ring and went down on one knee when asking me to marry him. We've been together for many years but he's never treated me as a 'possession'. So OP I personally find it very sweet.

As for the proposal itself, I'd not get upset yet. There's Christmas and New Year coming up and he may very well have planned something around that time. There's still time. Wishing you the most romantic proposal and good luck with everything.

Why does everyone assume on MN that the potential husband has life insurance? Healthy pension? Assets? House? Sometimes it can be rented accommodation and living hand to mouth no point in marriage to protect yourself then.

I don't know, but in my culture (rural Ireland), to ask the father for permission was a big thing (not used now). It was a time where families knew each other and if a fella was a wrong'un, he wouldn't get permission. It's that simple. I see it as a way of family looking out for you. I suppose it would also have been in olden times when commoners might have wanted to wed a royal or whatever they're called. Again, they wouldn't get the father's blessing. A daughter would usually respect her father's wishes, if not, they'd elope (many did). Many more were written out of wills etc.

If someone asked my Dad for permission to marry me he'd be like - Christ - please do! Please take her off my hands lol.

The friend who had a case of foot in mouth was probably male.