Hi, I've been thinking about posting for advice for ages. My head is all over the place with regards to my mum and my upbringing and I'm not sure how to start explaining!
My mum seems lovely and a great mother to outsiders, and to my dad and sister. I have always had a difficult relationship with her though. I will give some examples for context.
She has told me I am her dead twin reincarnated (she never had a twin as far as we know) and as such I belong to her.
When my older sister was dying (we were 14 and 16) I was very upset and my mum said I was selfish and wished it was me dying so I could have all the attention. I was not allowed to be near my sister. (sister lived thank god and is fine)
When I was pregnant with my first child she demanded to be at the birth, that it was her child and she had the right to choose what happened. Even though I had said I wanted just my husband with me.
Everything I do she copies, and turns every conversation around to her and what she thinks. Copying home decor, career choice. Whatever experience i have had, she has done it but worse/better/longer. I try not to tell her anything anymore.
I have had therapy and made lots of progress over the years, especially since my child was born (I had horrible pnd and anxiety, and basically had a breakdown) my parents were very interested in me and my child for the first few months, then I didn't hear from them for 4 months at all. I managed to get to a place where I was able to draw boundaries and see her an amount that balanced my guilt and duty enough for me to feel ok.
Now I am pregnant with my second child. My problem is that I just don't want to see her or speak to her. It's like a hormonal thing or self preservation thing. I don't want her to be near my child. Nobody would understand, not even my very understanding husband. He knows what she's like and isn't keen on her, but he knows that she can't have the same effect on my babies that she had on me, whereas I just can't risk it!
I don't know what to do. When I was seeing my psychologist I had an epiphany that my mum says and does things that are so far from acceptable, but it never seems to be properly malicious. I thought that maybe she just doesn't realise what she is saying. There is a high prevalence of autism in my family, especially on my mum's side and I wonder if she has undiagnosed autism. I realise that saying and doing hurtful things is not a sign of autism! However, it's her lack of empathy and understanding of why she might have hurt someone that points in that direction, along with other factors (sensory issues, self interest etc).
I would like to hear other's views on the situation, I am finding it very hard to deal with at the moment and am worried about the arrival of baby 2 and having another breakdown.