I will try and make this as brief as possible, otherwise I could go on forever! Me and my now ex had a fiery relationship to say the least, never any physical abuse but since ending it, all my friends, HV and counsellor have expressed their opinions in saying he was manipulating and controlling me, I'm still trying to work through all that. We broke up when I was 5m pregnant, becuase the arguments became too toxic and I was turning into a nasty person and I started hating myself, I was incredibly mean to him on several occasions and I'm still beating myself up for my behaviour. He apparently had no choice but to move up north, with a woman he'd never met (only spoke to each other via Facebook) and she had a small child and let him move into her house. He went to 'sort himself out' and get some money behind him for when baby arrived. For the whole 3 months he was up there, he didn't work and came back wanting to get back together. We tried again, and by the time baby arrived and was 7 weeks old, it got to the point where I told him I want to get married one day, but I never wanted to marry him. We weren't even arguing but the thought of being with him for the rest of my life, with his empty promises and lack of effort suffocated me. He moved out shortly after, now we are in a vicious dispute about our son, I'm in conversation with a mediator. I don't believe, right now my ex is competent, or confident enough to have the baby alone over night. He's 14 weeks. My ex makes the stupidest mistakes with the baby and it floods me with dread and doubt. The current situation is that my ex will come stay at my mums house (currently living at my mums) every other Friday to see the little one, but we can't be in the same room as one another, it gets nasty quickly and I blow up when he makes these stupid mistakes (I had to ask him to leave on Friday night) such as having a fag, putting the dummy in his mouth then giving it to the baby.... Putting sterilised teets on the dirty kitchen work surface, leaving the baby to cry in hunger becuase 'no one told him when the baby was hungry'. He's never bought anything for the baby, ever. I've provided for my boy from day one of being pregnant, cot, clothes, milk, nappies, absolutely everything, he never helped with night feeds etc, you get the picture. My ex has decided to move even further away now and doesn't drive, so again I have to accommodate him and take the baby over to see him for the day sometimes. He went a whole week without asking how his son was and his excuse was 'I've been so busy with work, I'm exhausted' and then started shouting at me saying 'why are you always like this? There's always something with you, you infuriate me'. He's always late paying maintenance and has threatened me with court a few times. He's currently living in a block with 30 other rooms and thinks it's not a problem for a 14 week old to stay with him and go on public transport for potentially 4 hours one way. I feel so stuck, I have my doubs about the baby staying over (this would be at exs mums house, no way is he staying where my ex is currently living) becuase I have doubts about my exs ability to look after the baby but part of me feels unreasonable becuase he has to learn and he deserves a relationship with his son. He cant stay at my mums anymore becuase it's just not working, and hopefully I will have my own place in a few weeks, and I don't want my ex there either. Becuase I ended the relationship I get blamed for everything constantly and made to feel guilty about what happened. He's done nothing wrong in his eyes and I'm the one with the problems and issues and I'm making this whole thing bigger than it is. Everyone around me that knows him or has met him in the past is telling me to not let the baby stay with him, but they don't have children and have never been in this situation, so I come to the Internet for advice. I'm working on my toxic traits, seeing a counsellor to work through it all, I'm doing what I can but my ex has just not taken any responsibility for his behaviour in the relationship at all, and I'm fed up with being blamed for it all and I'm just fed up with this whole situation, I really don't see an end to it and it's always going to feel like this x