Hi, I am not new to mumsnet, but I need to went and if possible have some insight from others who have narcissistic parents/mothers.
I was only 9 when I realised that my family dynamic was different to other families. My father was a fisherman, out at sea for long periods, and sometimes for weeks. When I was 9, my family moved into a bigger town, a two story house, we lived on the ground floor, and the High school headmaster lived with his brother and sister above us in their apartment, I promise this is relevant.
I made friends. One of whom I spent a lot of time with at their house. Her family was amazing, the food was on the table at set times, they had clean nice clothes on and nice bedrooms, and their home was nice and clean.
This is when I started questioning my own mum and dad. My own home and my parents. My mum never gave me a hug, hardly ever spoke to me and would have violent outbursts on occasion. I was 9 when the headmaster, who was retired, started showing interest in me, inviting me upstairs to receive chocolates, a chat, and he was like a granddad to me, he became a friend to me, also to my family.
My mum and dad divorced when I was 11. Dad moved out. My mum moved her new man in, 6 months after my dad left. I became withdrawn, stopped paying attention at school, grades went down, and I remember on several occasions I tried to speak to my mum, to no interest from her at all. I was skinny because we hardly had food at home, my mum worked all hours to try and keep a roof over our heads, my dad did not pay a penny towards our upkeep. He said to me, I was 11 at the time, that if my mum didnt want him, he had no obligations to help her out. And that was that.
With my grades going downhill, and with the former headmaster living upstairs, my mum sent me up there to do homework, which was nice, it was secure, friendly and I got spoken with. this resumed for a couple of years, me keeping me to me, grades staying down, mum and new man all loved up, home still grotty but some food on the table with new man contributing. I didnt like my mothers new man, I felt he had taken what little I had time with my mum, but then again I was 11. I was 12 when I got into a silly fight with my older sister, she is older by 2 years, we were close, but siblings and we were fighting, she had taken my clothing which I was going to wear, resulting in a fight, my stepdad intervened so my sister went into her bedroom, but my stepdad put his hands on my jaw and lifted me off the floor spitting in my face to stop it. Then walked to my mum where they were sat drinking coffee in the kitchen, I was numb. This resulted in me spending more and more time in my bedroom, this is when I started isolating myself for hours at a time, straight after school, not going out, not spending time with my friends, or family unless I was made to. My mum didnt care.
I also started going upstairs to the headmasters family as they were nice, and their home was clean and welcoming. I was 13 when the former headmaster started making remarks about my looks, first on my appearance, writing poems to me, and then placing hands on my leg or shoulder if I was sat down in his living room, safe, or so I thought. It wasnt long until he went further, telling me I should just sleep next to him in his bed, he kissed me, and touched me inappropriately. I never slept in is his bed though as I knew he was inappropriate and his behaviour very odd. This did not happen all at once, it happened gradually over time. I completely stopped going upstairs, then spoke to my best friend, who then spoke to her mum, and then my mum spoke to me after me having tried talking to her about it weeks earlier. Living in a small sea side town something like this goes round like fire and now everyone knew in the village, hence my mum scalding me for being so careless with such gossip, she obviously spoke to the former headmaster, who denied it, and she carried on telling me to have lessons or get help with my homework from him, sending me upstairs on regular basis, giving him gratitude and ignoring me.
My sister knew nothing of it, or if she did she had more than enough on her plate, GCSEs and a boyfriend, that she eventually moved in with at the age of 17,. She later told me she could not stand living at home. My mum beat her up once after she came an hour late, at the age of 17, she had been with her boyfriends family for a meal and evening together. My mum knew where she was going.
When I look back I am saddened that no once picked up on the neglect, no one intervened.
I was 18 when I moved to my grandparents who lived in a city, and life became better. I started work in a mall and life got normal.
My dad was inactive for decades, still is, made his own family as you do I guess, and we lost touch. My sister staid in touch though, and had a good relationship with everyone. My mum re-married my stepdad, had my brother who is 17 years younger than myself, and made a good life for themselves. They are now middle class, living the life which is amazing. No one would ever think my mum and step dad were/are abusive.
I have two children, both grown ups, amazing kids.
However, I have never got over how abusive, dismissive and condescending my mum is towards me and my sister, me probably more as I am not as successful as my sister is. I married twice, both incredibly abusive men. And then came the point I had counselling, I spoke for the first time about my childhood and was advised on narcissistic parenting.
My mother has a way of making me feel so inadequate, then tells me I am amazing, then that I should have done this, that or the other, then dismisses me, all in a few minute conversation.My mum is the master of gaslighting.
I have tried going no contact, but I am unable to sustain it due to my children obviously loving their Nan, and spending time with them, and may I add she is perfect regarding them which is good, but sad in a way as I never got to see that side of her when I was growing up.She is like two completely different individuals. I want to go no contact, just so that I can resume with my life without her constantly making me feel so dismissed and irrelevant. She has the ability to make me feel so stupid and unwanted. I am so saddened by it.
My sister has told me to stop trying to look for the mum everyone should have had growing up, and start seeing her as a woman who never was a mother. I am trying. There is so much more to my childhood, and more abuse too that I cannot cram in here, but how have others handled their mothers? and how do you move on from feeling so bereft and feeling so inadequate?
I already live 2000 miles away from her so she does not just pop in, but she is coming over mid December. Please help