Handhold please, I need to be strong and leave my husband

[didedonglydee]

I've name changed but have posted on here quite a bit before about problems between me & DH. We've been married 5 years and it's not been good for at least half. We've had a tough time with close family bereavements, job loss and infertility but rather than drawing together we've pushed apart.

He's started smoking weed regularly for about 2 years which pushed me a lot as I hate it. He gave that up a year ago but now drinks way too much. He doesn't want to go out and do things, at night he just comes home has dinner and goes to bed. He was being treated for depression after a bereavement and I really wanted to stay with him to help him but he doesn't seem to want to help himself. About a month ago I found he had been having phone calls with another woman, had her number saved under a fake name and they'd been liking all each other's social media posts etc. I tortured myself and did the pick me dance and things seemed to be OK. But he's made no effort, has started smoking his vape in the house even more, including in our bed. The other day I came home from work to find him passed out in bed after drinking whisky in bed in the afternoon and still I wanted to make a go of it (I realise I sound like a complete mug)

Thing is when he's not being a complete pig he's actually the kindest, funniest man and I've never loved anyone like I love him. I care about him so much and it physically hurts to think about not being with him.

Everyday this week he's said something different. He loves me, he wants to work at it. Next day, he loves me but he thinks it's better for me if I find someone else. Today he loves me but wants to be on his own and wants me to move out. We've spoken about counselling before and he initially said he'd go but then said he wouldn't and has stuck to that.

I can't do it anymore, I feel so broken and empty. I'm in my early thirties and all I want is for us to be happy together and to grow old together but I can't keep being treated like crap, ignored and then having him keep changing his mind about what happens to us. I know I finally need to go, and mean it but I just don't feel strong enough and I have no where to go and no money to find somewhere else.

Sorry that was so long, just needed to get it written down and try and figure out what to do.

Anyone?

Handhold here OP. I don't really have any advice but you definitely deserve better and your putting up with a lot of shit from him. I'm sure there will be some people along soon with better advice.

You can do it and you will be happier in the end x

You know what you need to do.

E we hat support can you get together for yourself now? Family, counselling for yourself?

Oh OP, that sounds utterly tormenting and you have obviously done everything you can to give this relationship a chance.

But to stay any longer would be self-destructive and a waste of your life. You are so young and now is the time to take control of your own life. Don’t let it be run into the ground by someone else a moment longer.

You can do this - people make strong, tough choices every day, and so can you.

💪🏼 Time to take that step.

You've said and recognised what you need to go. Now it's practicalities. Anyone that can house you temporarily? Flat shares? Can you save for a month or two?

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

Those are questions you need to ask yourself. Did your dad treat your mother like you are being now?.

What is there to love about this individual?. Quite apart from his drink and drug usage he is actively seeking out other women and you have seen direct evidence of this. He must think you are a complete mug; he certainly has no respect for you or for any child you would want to bring into this relationship. He is a deadbeat husband and such will become a deadbeat dad too.

I have to look at you in all this; what are you getting out of this?. Or do you just love the idea of him because the reality of him is not good at all. All this about wanting to be happy together and growing old with him is a fantasy not based on reality with him. It is not going to happen. Read about codependency in relationships and love your own self for a change. It is all too clear that you do not love your own self at all.

You will continue to feel broken and empty if you stay with this addict of a man who is treating you so very badly here. You are married to this person and have rights in law; fully exercise these. You can make a better life for yourself if you choose to; the only person stopping you leaving now is you and you cannot afford to be your own worst enemy here.

I would also consider talking to a counsellor and certainly not with he present.

I can tell you what "I love you" really means in the midst of all this flip flopping and mixed messages.

It means "I don't really want to be with you any more, but I'm used to you, and change is hard. Also I don't want to have to see you crying and upset, because it makes me feel like a bad guy, so rather than do the right thing and either commit or go, I'll salve my own feelings by messing you about".

I'm sorry to be so blunt, but it's true. Any time you spend still in this relationship is just throwing good time after bad.

Thank you for the replies. I don't know how to respond individually but yes to loving the idea of him. Well I love the part of him I get to see for 20% of the time.

I just feel so angry and devastated, this home I've created and where I love living I'm now going to have to leave and find somewhere else whilst he can just carry on with everything as is.

I hate him right now and I'm so scared about what to do for the best. Just leave and stay with family until I can find somewhere (hideous idea) stay here until I can find somewhere else to rent? Going to be tricky as I'm self-employed and don't earn that much.

And I really, really thought he was a good one.

After he said this morning that he felt I'd be better off without him again, and said I should leave. He then said so don't let it ruin Sunday just leave me be!

As if I was supposed to just say OK we'll get a divorce and I'll just sit quietly in the corner not getting upset.

After he said this morning that he felt I'd be better off without him again, and said I should leave. He then said so don't let it ruin Sunday just leave me be!

There you have it, I'm afraid. He wants you two to be over without actually having to do the work of breaking up and dividing households, and for you to stop bothering him with all your annoying feelings. He basically wants to wake up and find that you evaporated.

Tell him He's right and you'll help him pack his bags. He's being cruel, keeping you on a yoyo string.

Fuck that.

Sadly he is refusing to leave and wants me to go, despite the fact that he does actually have somewhere else to go.

It is exactly as you've suggested, it's like he's checked out so completely he just wants to wake up and me not be there. Although so very kindly he said he wants us to be friends.

You deserve so much more OP.
The fact that the 'good side is only present 20% of the time shows that isn't the real him. It's an act.

What is your housing situation?

Well practicalities first. Who's name is the house in, any children?

Is it owned/rented?

Put aside emotions for now if you can.

House is rented, no kids

Can you afford to leave and get your own place? Or would you rather stay put?

Look for a room in a shared house? That way it will be cheaper and you’ll have some company.

He is clearly telling you what he wants here and its not to make a go of the marriage. Listen to him and his actions. Just leave if its the easiest option, then go and see a solicitor.