Going to have to end relationship due to drug use

[Catlovingfeminist]

I feel so, so low. My partner is addicted to weed. When we met (at uni) he did it recreationally - I never did but it didn’t bother me too much. However, fast forward 5 years and he smokes it morning, noon and night. It’s half 8 in the morning and he’s just had some. It’s ruining my life, I’ve told him so many tiles unless he stops or SIGNIFICANTLY reduces them that’s it for us. He cries and says he knows but he can’t stop. That’s it now, I have to follow through. I’ve tried being patient, understanding, tried being angry and threatening, and now I’m just going to have to calmly detach. It’s so hard and upsetting as in every other way he is perfect, however this is seeping into everything now and is making me wake up with a panic like feeling in my chest. I don’t so drugs at all, I don’t even drink alcohol, and I can’t be around someone who is always stoned. Does anyone have any suggestions, has anyone been here? I need to make it clear that I mean it this time, it’s hard as we live together in our own home so I can’t just pack up and leave. It’s a nightmare. And yes, I know I’m stupid for having put up with this for so long and naively hoping for change.

He cries and says he knows but he can’t stop.

He means 'won't stop'.

Must be hard but you are doing the right thing

how much does it cost him. can he still pay towards the bills and house. you are doing the right thing.

You are not stupid
You are well aware of the damage this is doing to your relationship and have rightly attempted to resolve this and assist him

If he is addicted and like all addictions it robs the user of their ability to prioritise anything else in their life u til they fully face it and work hard to get clean

Be clinical. Of course your emotions will walk over the place and leaving someone you still love even if it’s the right thing is never going to be easy
So try to defat a bit for now and focus on the practicalities

Do you have children?
Where can you go?
Make lists of finances and ensure you ring fence your own money (his habit must be costing an absolute fortune)
Stay strong. Remember he’s promised to change before and hasn’t.

He is choosing weed over you, and every time he puts on the water works remind him that he has already chosen.

Can either of you afford to take over the full mortgage?

Unless he wants to stop, he won't. Do you want to carry on living with someone permanently stoned?

What about your future? Did you want children? If so, how can you have them with a man who can't stop smoking weed?

i’ve just left my partner of 5 years due to his drinking and drug addiction. i’m a recovering alcoholic (5.5 years sober) and for some stupid reason. thought me loving him could save him.

i’d heard all about how his previous relationship was cold and unloving, how she never showed him any affection. i truly loved this man, so when it finally came down to it and he chose booze, weed and coke over me, it broke my heart but i had to leave.

i spent thousands on his debts and trying to keep the house running. nothing worked, we would always be in the same position, even though our combined income was around £3k per month.

i miss him. at least, i miss the man i met at the beginning. by the end, that man was never at home. all i got was the drunk, drugged version.

if this is your line, then draw it, and stick to it. once you let those boundaries slip things may get much, much worse. i moved out of our forever home into a bedsit, i live on my disability benefits and i generally have much more money now i’m not paying it to albanians every couple of days.

i genuinely feel for you, OP. get out while you can.

Does he drive?

Weed takes forever to come out of your system and if he smokes it every day will be over the legal limit.

What's the legal limit?

You know if you stay with him this is your life. Nothing will change. It's really hard but you need to dig deep and do what's right for you.

I spent years with a stoner, it was hard work.

It's no point having the same conversations repeatedly, and that it's over, and then say "we live together in our own home so I can’t just pack up and leave". Yes, yes, you can. Or you can take other practical steps to leaving - getting legal and financial advice about your home and separation, moving out of the shared bedroom, looking for the next steps in life without him.

At the moment you're just going round in circles. Take some steps out of the relationship.

He has made his choice here and he has chosen substances.

You can choose to pack up and leave but for whatever reasons you do not want to.

Take some responsibility here for your own life and make better choices for you going forward. You have and are also playing out roles in this dysfunctional relationships.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. You may well have rescuer and or saving tendencies in relationships and these really do you no favours at all as you have seen all too clearly re this person. You may also be codependent and I would urge you to read more about this along with enabling behaviours. Enabling him only gives you a false sense of control and neither helps you or he.

Your life will go further down the toilet if you remain with this individual; it will not improve. Do not let yourself get further dragged down by him because of some innate desire of yours based on codependency.

I second the suggestions to take steps to look at your financial situation and options. I also suggest finding a local support group for families of addicts. They will be able to support you and you won't be trying to cope alone.

Telling him you mean it this time and asking someone to give up drugs is about as effective as peeing in the ocean. Coercion (and he will see it as such) does not work and besides which he is not wanting to address his addiction. Therefore the only realistic course of action here going forward is to leave him.

When someone shows you who they are, it would pay dividends to listen and believe them. There are plenty of men out there who do not do drugs and or drink to excess; find one with the same sort of values as yours. You sold yourself short here initially and continue to sell yourself short so long as you and he are together. You are no good for each other.

I think you are doing the right thing.

Move him into the spare bedroom (if you have one) or tell him he is sleeping on the sofa, and move as much of his stuff as possible out of what is now your bedroom.

Gradually separate stuff in the kitchen. Buy your own food (and make it stuff he doesn't like much, so he is less likely to take it) and do it little and often (for same reason)

Work out options for long term living arrangements. Can one of you afford to buy the other out? If not, when is best time to start marketing this house.

Even though it greatly irks, if you think you will neeed to sell in the coming months, do not depend on him to do the housework. You need the place in good condition, and not smelling of smoke.

Be strong and end it

He has already chosen and it’s not you. Leave and find someone who will choose you

Better to leave now before there are kids or significant debts involved.

No point in giving an ultimatum if you don't mean it. He might turn his drug use around and come back to you but it would need to be a year plus to prove that he had truly changed. And he will always be an addict. That will always be with him.

Leave and move on with your life. He is prioritising drugs over your relationship. You need to put yourself first.

You make it clear by packing your bags and leaving.

Everything else has been empty threats.