Confused by ex husbands actions

[NicolePear]

Sorry if this is a long one. I've been separated from my husband for 14 months now, he left me and 2 small children one day completely out of the blue, refused to discuss why other than to say he didnt love me anymore and he didnt want to try and work things out.
I was devastated by this, still am really and I will always love who he was before all this but I've come to terms with the fact that person no longer exists. I just struggle with the way he is so angry and bitter towards me still, I've had to block him messaging me because it was doing my mental health no favours. Just as I feel I'm doing well and starting to feel happy again he senses this and does something to upset me. The latest is that hes stopped paying his contribution to the nursery fees and lowered the child maintenance as much as he can. When I dare to question this he tries to make out I'm the unreasonable one and then I start to wonder if maybe he's right. I just find it hard to understand how he has become so nasty, the man I knew would do anything for anyone, was the best dad ever, just a caring nice person. Now he goes out of his way to be nasty, he has the kids once a week on his days off but wont speak to or see them inbetween, he doesnt take them anywhere or do anything with them when he used to love doing activities and stuff with them. And he now thinks it acceptable.for me to struggle for money to house them, feed them etc.
Sorry this is all a ramble but my head is all messed up again and I cant stop crying about how it has all come to this.
I just want to understand why he thinks its acceptable to treat me like this, and be cant see how this affects the children too?

Aren't you in touch with his parents? Surely they care about their dgc? Can't they speak to him about it? I know if my DS treated my DDIL and the children like that, we'd be having words.

He has to convince himself that you are a witch so he can tell himself he did the right thing separating. His girlfriend will be telling him he's spending too much money on you and will be happily encouraging all his crazy ex stories.

Go through CMS. Get the divorce done and financial settlement sorted in a way that doesn't fuck you over. Where are you in the divorce process? Is your lawyer good?

Thanks for replying. His mother in law and I have a strained relationship, always have done she is a strange perso , she looks after the children still once a week, but she has never ever talked to me about the separation she prefers to ignore it as she thinks the sun shines out of his arse. I dont want to rock the boat in anyway else I will lose the one bit of free childcare I have.

I have seen a solicitor for my free 30 minutes but I cant afford to take things any further right now. We have a mortgage together which I pay all of but I cannot remortgage I my own name or afford to buy him out currently so I'm somewhat stuck.

As for the girlfriend thing, I have no evidence that he has one but sometimes I do wonder.....

Yes he basically justifies his behaviour by not accepting responsibility.

The best you can do is realise this man isn’t your friend . Minimise contact between the 2 of you. Only discuss anything to do with the children . Sadly he is not going to co parent in the way you hoped

Cms for maintenance. Is he having contact with the dc?

Sounds like he’s done you a favour by leaving, sounds like a real prick. Why would a father want the mother of his children to struggle bringing them up and cutting nursery fees. Another vote for the girlfriend thinking he spends too much, he sounds like a wet wipe anyway love so good riddence to bad rubbish!

Are you able to claim back any of the nursery fees from the government? Or get any free hours childcare for your kids as in my area they offer it to parents with toddlers ages from 2 and I think it’s 15 free hours, not entirely sure on this though

Not proceeding with the divorce is costing you money. Why are you paying his half of the mortgage? Has he agreed in writing that this amount will be excluded from any equity split later? You are only stuck in the sense of not choosing to step forwards. Had you been hoping he would come back? He's following the script for having an OW.

He’s treating you like that to justify leaving you. It’s called Bond Deactivation. Google it. It’s important now to go “grey rock”. Google that too.
Are you going through CMS? If not then do that. You also want to contact a solicitor ASAP and get things sorted properly. That way he can’t keep jerking you around

I cant afford to start the whole divorce thing I have no money for a solicitor. I'm paying the mortgage as he wont and if I dont I'll lose my home. He wanted me to sell it so he could get his share of the equity but I would never get a mortgage myself if I did this.
I know I need to try and stop rising to the bait and stop engaging with him but I find it hard to bite my tongue. We only communicate via email as I blocked his number as I couldnt take the constant texts.
I have no feelings for the man he is now and I wish I never had to see him again. Unfortunately that will never be the case because of the children.
I guess I need to be stronger now and stop replying to anything that is not to do with the children.

Sounds like he has ow. I would advise selling the house rather than paying the mortgage and living in the house unless you can.buy him out.

There is obviously someone else and he wants both his time and his money to use with her.

If you do not see a solicitor to start a divorce and get a financial set up then you are going to be worse off and homeless. Have you checked if you are eligible for legal aid ?

and call your mortgage company , explain what has happened and see if you can arrange a short term payment option for now . Use that money to see a solicitor.

@ChaosisntapitChaosisaladder19
If op sells the house where will she live.?
As she has children she maybe entitled to more than a 50/50 split

@TheStuffedPenguin

OP definitely do this ^^

The mortgage company will work with you and you can use that money for the divorce.

As for the re-finance, you won't know until you call around to find out. You may be able to get one.

Whilst there may we’ll be a lot more to all this, based on the OPs posts it sounds like he wants to move forward with a financial settlement and a clean break as soon as possible. That will enable him to get on with his life. And, it will enable you to get on with you life. Then you can both concentrate on being parents in your own right.

I know this is very emotional and scary for you, but the need to divorce must be faced. As does the need for a financial clean break. If that is possible, it is the best option for both of you and it is the most likely outcome of court action or mediation.

But it isn’t always immediately possible to achieve a clean break and a solicitor will be able to discuss other options for you. It is important you understand what those options are so you can plan a future.

In most cases the person who stays in the family home has advantage. They can hold up the sale of the house and stop the other party from getting their own home. This is causes resentment. The other party will usually not continue to pay for a home they can’t live in, even if they continue to have some financial responsibility.

In answer to your question he is cutting off all but minimal financial support in order to compel you to face up to the need to split assets. There is only so long that you can stonewall on that and it will eventually mean lawyers and expense if you won’t talk about it.

Whilst there may we’ll be a lot more to all this, based on the OPs posts it sounds like he wants to move forward with a financial settlement and a clean break as soon as possible. That will enable him to get on with his life. And, it will enable you to get on with you life. Then you can both concentrate on being parents in your own right.

Much as he may want that he has 2 young children which he has a responsibility towards . It can't be a completely clean break .

Contact Rights of Women who can give you free legal advice on family law: rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/family-law/

Contact Women's Aid who can give you advice on his mistreatment of you: 0808 2000 247 [email protected]

You can also contact the CABx and they will go through how to move forward from here. Check out their advice pages while you're waiting for an appointment.

Thanks everyone for your input.

I have already had some legal advice, and at this stage I cant afford to take it any further. I know I can get a mortgage in my own name but this would only cover the existing debt I cannot take out enough to but my ex out. Which he knows and he knows he will have to wait until my youngest is in school when hopefully I can increase my earning potential. I just wish I could afford it now so I could at least not have to deal with any of the financial rubbish anymore!
Going forward I will try for minimum contact only concerning the girls and I know I have to try not to let him get in my head.
I have done some research and I may be able to apply for the 2 year old funding in April as someone mentioned although I'm right on the cusp of the earnings limit so theres no guarantees.
My head feels a bit clearer today and its nice I can bounce things off people here.