In law issues...

[WhereDidThisComeFrom]

Every year inlaws hold a christmas celebration before the main days. Always has been this way since before me and DH got together.

This year has been hell for my side of the family, mum got cancer. Along with a lot of other things.

Planned to spend christmas and boxing day with my parents to take over the load as mum will be going through chemo and is already ill with a bad infection due to the op.

All happy. Never even considered issues. In laws know parents well, know the situation and as said, never usually do family things on the actual days.

Last night Mother in Law asked for people to come boxing day. Usually get along very well. I explained due to xyz it wouldn't be possible, would have loved to otherwise.

Was requested DH goes alone. He didn't want to due to being on call and likely not really seeing us (kids included) bar the boxing day.

Again explained why. All very friendly and careful not to hurt her. (This is confirmed by other brothers and DH in said chat there was no attitude and was all very apologetic)

Resulted in me being blocked, her leaving the family group. Calling my DH calling me all the names under the sun and listing all we do wrong (the worst being i brought DD too many presents as she has enough already) .

I then sent a group message explaining very clearly how hurt i was regarding this, couldn't understand it. Want to resolve it but things can not be changed due to plans already in place due to my mums health issues. How we would do the same for either side of the family etc.

This resulted in MIL unblocking me, declaring i clearly have issues. I responded to please leave me alone if she was set on continuing this. (At this point i was distraught. Rough few mobths emotionally and currently pregnant which isn't helping my emotions)

This then resulted in her yet again calling my DH and declaring I was sending her abusive messages.

I showed DH said message i sent, and what she had sent me. Again along with a couple outsiders from the family for opinions as i was seriously questioning myself at this point. All yet again said if anything she was being nasty, i was coming across calm and considerate but not backing down either.

I just don't know what on earth has happened. I know she has had issues with previous long term partners over the years. And has shown a bit of a catty side a few times. But i honestly thought she was lovely. When DH and I recently got married I felt so lucky to feel part of such a loving and welcoming family.

DH is equally as confused. It is completely out of the blue, and what people say seems way aggressive and over the top to what was said on my part.

On top of that i am deeply hurt over the lack of care or understanding she has shown for my mum. She has spent holidays with us, the lot. Knows her well. Yet only once since it started has asked how she was getting on. Now this?!

Part of me is wondering whether she feels put out at not being centre of attention, so saw the boxing day offer as a test. Which we have clearly failed as (rightly qe both feel) we put my mum first. Like we would her if it was the other way around.

I feel like i have taken crazy pills. I've not slept for working through all this in my head. Nothing makes sense.

I miss the MIL i thought i was getting. And now i feel guilty for DH as due to the way she has been, the follow on nastiness directly aimed at me, all for not getting her way on something she never has interest in doing. All while she knows the delicate situation we are under atm. Has naturally put my back up and i feel unable to see a future of maintaining any kind of relationship with her. I'm not sure i could ever look at her the same way.

I'll just stress, i see no future in me maintaining a relationship with her. I have stressed to DH i support him in continuing to see her as obviously that is his mother. But i am aware from going from all being what we thought, super close. To now his wife distancing herself is bound to hurt him

Wheredidthiscomefrom

First of all I am very sorry to read about your mother's cancer.

re your comment re your MIL:-
"I know she has had issues with previous long term partners over the years. And has shown a bit of a catty side a few times". But i honestly thought she was lovely".

You saw what she wanted you to see, now you are seeing her true nature. Her reaction was disproportionate and her rage at you is not your fault. Its her issue.

The above re your H's mother is what she is really like. All she cares about is her own self with everyone else expected to comply without complaint to her demands and to run around after her. This Boxing Day event of hers was in my opinion a "test" and designed also to see you both "fail". Your DH at heart is probably not all that surprised at this turn of events; he has likely seen this type of crap behaviour from her to other relatives/friends when he was growing up.

DH and yourself need to present a united front re his mother; he needs to support you as equally as your wish to support him. His primary loyalty should be to you as his wife and his own family unit now including his child, not his mother. It is not your fault she is like this and you did not make her that way.

You do not mention FIL in all this; where is he?

Dh has been amazing. He has already had words and stressed to her there was nothing wrong in what I have said.

This caused her to get more aggressive and that was when the long list of (basically non-issues like the presents) things we do wrong are.

FiL is not with MIL - she walked out when they were kids. Left them behind. Something of which I never agreed with, but how she told it almost made you understand. Sounds crazy right? DH didn't speak to her again until mid to late teens. So thus selfish behaviour isn't a shock to him.

Step father in law hasn't said anything directly to us, although likely is backing her up. They are very much a team and he is used to falling out with his own children for minor things, this will be seen exactly the same in his eyes. A comment (on the list) was made we weren't thankfully enough for something he done diy for us. We thanked him a million times over, got him a cake as near his birthday and cards and done our best to express gratitude how we could. We couldn't afford fancy presents or the like but done whst we were able. This apparently was not enough and we are now ungrateful. I can only assume this came from him.

I just feel like i have lost so much. I genuinely loved and cared for his family. Especially his mother and stepFIL. Despite how they got together and the like (which in retrospect i can't understand how i got fooled knowing that) . They made such an effort, made you feel loved and like you mattered. And considering my actual FIL makes little effort with anyone, i saw them as my DH "main" family. They are who we saw frequently, spoke to daily. I even showrd MIL my wedding dress the day i chose it and the day i first tried it on properly. I wanted her involved.

I really thought i have won the "in law lottery" .

Now it has all come crashing down. A couple brothers are 100% on side, another sibling is on the fence not wanting to get involved as is their right. But another is stiring the pot further by saying he sees no reason why DH couldn't have just gone on the boxing day without us as he could have taken the kids. Despite him nor I wanting that for our family

Just to add - they live a fair drive a way. Was not an option to split day or him to turn up for part and come back. Would have been a day thing.

If his mum or step fil had been ill, we both would have agreed to seperate the family for the sake of both parents. But in this instance only one was ill. My DM.

The more i think, the more i truly feel MIL wanted to be number one and used this as a way to either get her way or get angry.

Any logical person would surely understand why in this instance we would want to be on hand to help my DM? Especially as we would have done the same for MIL. Even more so considering MIL has never done a family thing on the main holiday days.

Its almost like she resented my mum being ill and DH prioritising my mums and my own feelings over MIL in general. What she doesn't understand is my DH, loving as he is WANTED himself to be there for my DM as he realised she needed us. Needed. Wanted as well obviously, but a genuine need for support and help.

Not only is the whole thing knocking her physically, emotionally she is incredibly depressed.

It was never a doubt in either of our minds where we would be. There was no forcing to choose. He chose. Himself. Knowing i would have done the same thing if the shoe was on the other foot and MIL needed us

Very bizarre. Why has she decided to do Boxing Day and why such a batshit OTT over reaction? So very odd. I think you might be right re it was a test. I’m glad your dh is sticking up for you and is on board with you. I think it’s appalling that your mil and his sibling are agreeing that dh should do Boxing Day. Wtf?!

The more i look back on things, the more I feel i was just blind.

I think things were good before because she was always being "adored and praised" . I can't actually think of when we may have ever said no to her before. The worst we had was first year together on her birthday she got angry with me for not sending a birthday card. DH nor I do cards. For anyone. We had called and met up for it. Done presents. Just hadn't sent a card. This was a huge issue which was apparently my job and i failed.

From then on I started doing bloody cards for everyone.

So she basically screamed and got her way. Maybe she expectef the same this time round?

I do get the want to see DH especially. We haven't been very social the last few months due to an extension that has taken any free time from work DH has up. Due to a lot of water damage and such we both considered it a priority to get water tight and warm before the weather got even worse. At one point we had a swimming pool in iur lounge. It was that bad.

So i do understand their want to see DH. And seeing this as a chance to. But surely they can understand we haven't been around as much due to living conditions not being tou know... livable?!

When i told DH (thus all went on while he was driving to a job initially) what his brother had suggested about him still going, straight away he said no bloody way am i leaving you. Which is such a relief as it tells me he has an idea on what family should be. I feel for db to even suggest it and for mil to go along with it/all the rest of this/her past it makes me realise they just have no idea on what family is. What it means. A unit. Together.

We wanted that with all of us involved. But now MIL actions has destroyed that.

I just don't know how to handle from here. I know i want nothing else to do with her. She intentionally got nasty, them set out to get between me and DH with lies about me being abusive, then went on to privately message me about me having issues. Something of which is personal to me. She knows i suffer with depression.

It feels like she intentionally ssnt me a private goady message in the hopes i woukd kick off so she could get between me and dh. Then when i didn't still went and said i did.

That isn't a woman who is just upset she won't see some of her family on boxing day. That is a woman out to get between me and dh, a woman whi completely dismisses my DM health. And only thinks of herself.

When she doesn't get her way, all hell breaks loose.

I am now kicking myself i sent nothing but sorry and would have loved to but....

I should have just called her flat out on this bullshit and not let her play on my mind all night and day.

I am so angry with her. She knows the extent of what we are under at home atm. The loss. The risk of loss. The health scares. The scans for bleeds for me during pregnancy. She knows it fucking all.

Yet still felt the need to cause a massive scene and then intentionally set out to cause further pain directly to me and to try and get in my marriage.

All out og spite cos she didn't get her way

You should block her now and don't engage in further conversation with the rest of the family about this incident. Let them listen to her rant and rave if they wish but you don't have to. Your focus should be solely on your own mother for now. I wouldn't go anywhere near her over the Christmas holidays.

OP you’ve spent a lot of your words on here justifying yourself when you really don’t need to. It sounds like she’s always had a problem with your DHs partners. She’s being completely unreasonable. I was starting to wonder if you were married to my ex!!
My ex MIL was absolutely batshit. You can’t reason with people like this but you mustn’t pander to them either. You need to trust your own instinct and don’t let her make you doubt yourself. Your DH has some responsibility in defending you here. He agrees with you which is a start. He needs to stand up to his mother and make sure she apologises to you for this!
And I wish your mum a speedy recovery

I agree with Drum2018 100%.

Switch off from your ILs completely. Tell yourself you'll review the situation in the New Year.

Block her. Refuse to discuss with any of the extended family.

Ask DH to tell them you're extremely hurt by the outburst from DM and are overwhelmed with your DM's poor health and the pregnancy. For your own sake, he is now refusing to let the family distress you further.

Your DH can do gifts, cards, visits etc over the Christmas period if he wants to keep the door open. But you shouldn't feel any responsibility to get involved with any of this.

Thank you all for your well wishes.

I have addressed the issue with DH again. I have stressed he js welcome to continue a relationship with her, i respect that. In turn he needs to respect that i will have no part in it. Nor do i want anything regarding myself or our marriage discussed with her. Due to her already showing signs of intentionally and spitefully trying to stir the pot.

On top of that I have (he works long hours so despite adoring dd has little bond on her end with him) suggested we build time up with dd and him, so they build a bond and she feels comfortable enough to be with him for periods of time. So that she can maintain a relationship with his side. As it stands she is too little and has too little time with DH to then be thrown into a full day without me.

I will facilitate all that i can. I will support him. Not for mil, but for his and dd sake.

IF after all of this, mil still manages to be causing problems we will have to relook at the situation. As i will not have this in my life anymore.

I was hurt and broken when i started this thread, but a couple hours in and some more drumming into my head i have done nothing wrong has cemented a feeling of anger towards mil.

I wish her no ill will, but i have no wish for someone that toxic in my life.

If i had my way dd would never ve going either. But i am aware i am letting my own selfish feelings get in the way there. She has always been kind to dd. I can't with good intentions stop her seeing her. It will just take time for dh to build up enough of a bond with her to be able to take her.

As it stands she won't be left with him for longer than five minutes. Again i stress not out of lack of love, he dotes on her. He just works ridiculous hours the point she doesn't know him or feel like he is a protector role. And j have no wish to put her in a situation she is unhappy and confused about all day just to please mil. (She is 15 months and currently more clingy to me than she has ever been. Won't settle for anyone bar me and breals her heart even with people she is used to seeing daily (my parents) and adores if i leave the room for a second

You and your DH need to what is right for your family. Let him deal with his DM while you focus on your DD, your own health and that of your DM.

That is the plan. I feel for him this morning. He was sad over how all he wants is everyone to get along. It ie a shame, i would have loved to all get along too. I am genuinely gutted that has gone, but it has gone.

I think he is hoping it will all blow over as she "may have had a bad day or be going through menopause and be too embarrassed to apologise now" .

He still admits she was wrong and cruel. But i feel he just wants to brush it under the carpet a bit now.

For me unless there was a serious issue we weren't aware of which caused her to act this way, followed by a heartfelt apology. And then a lot of distance and emotional space, i still can't see us all ever playing happy families again.

Sadly the damage has been done. This isn't just a fall out. This was pure spite and nastiness despite knowing what an awful time my mum is going through atm. For me that is the biggest deal breaker for a relationship with me.

Many people come from nice and importantly emotionally healthy families where this type of familial dysfunction is thankfully unknown. Not all are so lucky and your H is one such person.

re your comment:-
"He was sad over how all he wants is everyone to get along".

I was waiting for him to say that and there it is. This absolutely does not absolve him though from not doing anything to protect you from his mother. What this comment of his really means too is that he does not want the responsibility here and cannot or will not deal with his family of origin. He does not know how to and basically does not want to or rock that boat. He is far more afraid of his mother and stepfather than he ever is or would be of you as his wife. Inertia from him as shown above merely hurts him sadly as well as you. He really could do with seeing a therapist; would he at least read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward.

Yes your H is very much a product of his own crap upbringing. He has been that conditioned by his toxic example of a mother and his stepfather (who is probably very similar to her). Her son now your H as a result is mired in fear, obligation and guilt. Your H may want to continue to have a relationship with his mother out of seeking her approval (approval she will never give him) but that does not mean that you have to do so.

I would read "Toxic Inlaws" by Susan Forward to further understand the power and control dynamics that are being played out here.

You maintain and strengthen your boundaries as and when necessary. Bear in mind too that if his mother and stepfather are too toxic/batshit/difficult for YOU to deal with, it will be the same deal for any children you have also. I would seriously consider keeping them away from his parents.

Following on from my previous point I would not put it past this woman to start making unkind comments about you as her mother to your child over time or encourage her to keep secrets from you as her mum. Your H will just sit there and not defend you out of self perservation and want of a quiet life.

You’ve seen her true colours now. I would suggest you cut her out without another thought and focus on your DM who truly needs and deserves your support. And don’t send your DD over to MIL, who knows what poison she’ll drip in her ear.

I do worry you both are right regarding dd. It has crossed my mind during all of this. Although I fear it would be the end of my marriage if I didn't even show willing to DH for her to maintain a relationship. Tbh - his hours are so hectic he wouldn't be able to find the time for a few hours a week slowly building up alone time with dd for her to be secure enough to travel with him for the day as it stands.

I read up on adjustments for under 3s in separated households. Obviously I know it isn't the same as such, but i was using it as a base on what is acceptable for my dd. She doesn't even go to nursery and has never been left with anyone bar me excluding the odd hour or two here and there.

So the issue on contact between her and MIL is a long way off.

I will read thag book and send the same suggestion of the other one to my DH. thank you.

I think PP are right in the sense i can feel part of him does want me to just roll over and forget it all and pretend this never happened. For the sake of peace and family appearances.

That will not happen. And if I am pushed will only serve to push me further away from him and I have stressed that.

He can have his relationship and I will respect that. In return he must respect my own boundaries regarding this. Ie: no mention of me to MIL or anything to do with our marriage. Her trying to get between us the other day with lies leaves me very aware any slight agreement with her through DH will result in her using that as a stick to beat us with long term.

Like the presents for DD. I told him he should have just told her that didn't concern her, rather than agree she did have too many as it was. He related it to my parents jokingly commenting on how many toys dd has. I said there was a huge difference in making a comment in jest and making the same one in anger.

One is harmless. One is spiteful. I would resent anyone bringing up my dds toys in any argument! It is unneeded. Quite honestly it yet again shows how little we have actually done wrong to them. As surely they could have listed a hell of a lot worse than buying too many toys for my daughter. And that a cake, cards and constant thank yous wasn't enough gratitude for help with DIY.

All that confirms to me just how petty and self centred she is.

His family is highly dysfunctional and not at all how i have been brought up. He mentioned that myself and DSis argue at times as a defense of how this is family life is. But we never argue over nothing but a nice message! Nor then get so petty and awful out of the blue.

We are guilty of having a couple words here and there. But we are close, not just for appearances.

This isn't a "my familt is better than his" bitch btw. Just how different the dynamics really are.

We've always found the dynamics there very... unusual. Its this reaction from MIL that has made me realise the dynamics aren't different and quirky, they are based on keeping up appearances despite knowing full well we all know what really goes on. And yet somehow still managing to pull the wool over our eyes by showering us in love and affection.

It wss never out of love. It was out of being the "winners" and getting to paint their own image.

That has now slipped. The truth has outed and the blindfold has truly come off.

The youngest never got over what MIL done to them all as children. I know see he was just the smartest to see a leopard oesn't change their spots.

Once a selfish self centred person. Always a self centred person.

I can never forgive this. I may be weak enough to forgive wrong doings directly to me, but in a round about way this was aimed at my ill DM too. MiL had no care for her, only her own wishes. And was willing to cause further pain and stress in what is evidently an already scary and stressful situation just to get her way.

That is who I am dealing with.

I will see how time goes regarding dd. I keep lopking back now on when we have taking sc there and how often things were mentioned in front of them by PIL that shouldn't have been. And the digs at my dhs dad in front of them Mainly by FIL.

Admittedly they are few and far between and in general they are brilliant with the kids.

But if they are unable to hold their tongues regarding me for the next year and a bit, i think dd will be keeping her distance too. Time will tell.

Writing all this down since last night i really can't comprehend how I never connected the dots before this. Even Dsis amd my mum who are usually very good judges of character's are floored. It feels like we were all under some spell while really they never hid who they were
They just masked it with fake love and smiles