Feeling meh about relationship with my Mum

[RidingMyBike]

I'm not sure where I'm going with this but... I'm really not sure about my relationship with my Mum. On the surface it's fine - we speak once a week, I see her a few times a year (she lives about 3 hours away) and it's almost all cordial because I don't bring up anything controversial - but I'm resenting how I was brought up - that I was never put first (which I'm not sure is true as I did have a prep school education and riding lessons etc) but I was anxious and clingy and never trusted that I'd get a response from her if I needed one - I had a breakdown in my mid-20s and did some counselling then.

I discovered last year that she'd been slagging my DH off to her best friend - I met both of them for a coffee with my DD (then 2yo). The best friend made some very obtuse comments about DH (she's only met him 3 times and he's always been perfectly nice to her) which stunned me at the time and it was only later that I twigged that it must be based on things my Mum has said to her.

I was brought up to always be very aware of not calling attention to myself, never to put myself forward and to never inconvenience anyone. It's caused me huge self-esteem problems, played a big part in my breakdown and made university and work very difficult until I met DH. My career etc have really advanced in the ten years we've been together because he's lovely and kind and encouraging.

Also, this year, she's been helping an elderly distant relative move into a home. She has done this for multiple elderly distant relatives and elderly friends over the years - she can't seem to stop herself getting involved! She's been over there doing stuff at least once a week. It's at least a three hour drive from her house and sometimes she does it as a return trip in one day. Yet when I had severe PND she didn't bother coming to us at all and was no help - leaving us to struggle on on our own (my Dad and DH's parents are all dead). She's seen my DD three times this year. I've never expected her to help with childcare (she's always made very clear she wouldn't do childcare but she was very jealous of my SIL's parents' involvement when my nephews were born and I thought would be overjoyed to be the only grandparent around in our case).

She's been quite crucial of my parenting of DD when we have seen her this year. And there have been lots of comments about how much she gave up for her children, I don't realise how lucky I am to be able to afford things like soft play and how she's so badly off now as her pension is so small because she's been a SAHM and a carer (my parents were mortgage free, could afford prep. school for two kids and my Dad left her a very large amount in savings when he died). I wish we'd been put in childcare instead of being dragged round visiting multiple elderly relatives every week where you had to sit still and weren't allowed to play.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this. I suppose I'm worried as she's now mid-70s and is dropping hints about what we'll be expected to do to care for her some day. And I just don't want to (quite apart from the logistics of being 3 hours away and having a job etc!).

*Crucial = critical!

She sounds awful but you haven’t got to do anything you don’t want to do. you have your own family now she isn’t making any efforts with them now but is everybody else’s helper she sounds selfish where you are concerned so maybe you need to be just like her when it comes to caring for her she could have at least offered to help you but she hasn’t so you don’t owe her anything back, she should be wanting to spend time with you and dgc especially at her age. Some people don’t know how lucky they are she obviously doesn’t want to be the best nanny she can be and is too busy for you, don’t feel obligated to help her plus it’s not fair on your immediate family they are almost strangers.

Well, if you're offended, annoyed, typically entitled, totally judgemental and lacking in the finer graces of life such as empathy, compassion and understanding....I'd just go non contact....

@Pessismistic thank you. We're planning to move in the next few years (somewhere cheaper so DH can do school run whilst I work full time) and this would probably be closer to her. I'd realised a while ago that I'd be wary of moving too close and getting sucked into more regular meetings and expectations. But it's really only since having DD that I put a lot of things together and realised how unresponsive she'd been as a parent - how terrified I was of being told off and how that affected what I thought about many things. I'm still not sure how much of this though is typical of a late-70s/early-80s childhood?

@pallasathena eh? Examples of behaviour - abandoning me in supermarket for four hours because I was ill (panic attacks) on drive back from holiday and she'd arranged to stop for lunch at a friend's en route. Didn't want to 'put the friend out' by either taking me there ill in case it caused a 'scene' or cancelling and going straight home.

Leaving me lying on bathroom floor having just come round from faint because she'd promised to make coffee at a church event and didn't want to let people down by being late/now showing up.

I think it does depend on the parent we had no money but my mum was so selfless she would mind any of her 30 grandkids always put her dc first and if she was alive I know she would have helped me out but on the in-laws side they are alive and have nothing to do with dc mum in law very selfish helped others to look good but not us but made out to friends she was a great nan to my dc who knows nothing about her and that’s her loss so my mum selfless and dp mum selfish all from sane era.

@RidingMyBike - I feel for you. I was never interesting enough to have my mum's attention and was never put ahead of her friends or anything she wanted to do. Took me until my mid-50s, many periods of depression and therapy to see what was actually going on. I don't really want to go into detail because it's painful and I'm sick of thinking about it. I have my own lovely family and I learnt how not to behave as a mother from her. Is it something you can talk to her about? I can't do that myself because she will overreact and then use anything I say against me. Also she is getting on in years and I don't want to stress my dad out. I wish I had realised sooner and spoken about it. How your mum treats you can affect your mental health, so take care of yourself and try to get positivity elsewhere

Mine never bothered to come and see us when I had my first child (her first and only grandchild). She lived ten minutes from the hospital. Mind you, she’d spent months telling me to have an abortion.

Now he’s 13 and she still cuts her time with us short as she needs to go and see an ex work colleague etc. So sad and pitiful that she cannot appreciate us, I have childless friends whose parents wish they would have children.

Thank you for the comments - a relief to know I'm not the only one, although also sad that this has happened to others.
I do feel sorry for her - I think her parents had a difficult relationship (he was an alcoholic, and I think also coercive controller from what I can make out - he's been dead over 40 years?) which won't have helped her and probably set some of this up - the constant need to be appreciated by older people by doing stuff to help them etc whilst ignoring her own children. 

@Jantolee I'm not sure whether talking to her would achieve anything. Since having my DD I've started to stand up to her (which I never did before - I just avoided telling her anything that would provoke an outburst and kept my distance to cut down interaction) because I don't want DD growing up with the same lack of self-esteem and inability to assert herself as I did. She's been pretty annoyed when I've interrupted to stop her saying something and does some tutting but hasn't come back with anything, other than complaining that I'm becoming 'difficult'! DD is, I think, fairly safe as we see her so rarely she doesn't have much influence and is highly unlikely ever to be alone in her care.

I'm going to carry on thinking about this, and maybe do some reading up on relationships - it feels like my eyes have gradually opened to what's really going on. I don't want to go NC, her behaviour doesn't feel extreme enough, and it's not like we see a huge amount of her. And she is DD's only living grandparent! It's very much something to bear in mind if/when we move though. I've more recently had a couple of chats with my DB about it - he moved 5-6 hours away from her years ago so, again, not vast amounts of interaction!