Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ready to date, can't use OLD

28 replies

AmaiyaGrace1 · 02/11/2019 19:47

I can't use OLD due to abusive ex and can't remember/think how to date again. Feel like I'm ready but not sure how to meet men? I don't see people at work as working from home at the moment, and even if I change to customer service type I would be in a fairly female dominated industry so not much opportunities. How did you meet your OH? Tia x

OP posts:
NightsOfCabiria · 02/11/2019 20:51

Why does your ex stop you using old?

Other ways are through special interest clubs, socialising with friends, family, colleagues, associates and doing speed dating and meet-up.

Original poster
AmaiyaGrace1 · 02/11/2019 22:01

He's a stalker. Ive been told not to use social media at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
AmaiyaGrace1 · 02/11/2019 22:12

That's why I've been told to work from home for a while in case he tries to attack me at work. It's been 2 years now though and I feel like I just want to get back on with living a normal life. Feel like a prisoner

OP posts:
Scott72 · 02/11/2019 23:26

Who told you not to use social media? To only work from home? Is he really that powerful and that dangerous?

PumpkinP · 02/11/2019 23:47

I don’t think you can’t use old, surely you could just WhatsApp call before meeting people to make sure it’s them??.

stucknoue · 02/11/2019 23:50

A subscription old eg guardian maybe, or use bumble - women are the only ones who can contact and put an image there first not your photo. No need to give out any personal information because you can call through the app

IdiotInDisguise · 02/11/2019 23:50

I really have no idea how you can meet a potential compatible partner working from home and without using OLD. Do you have good friends with nice single man friends?

IdiotInDisguise · 02/11/2019 23:54

For bumble you need to put your photo as you can only contact those that liked you or liked you back.

One thing I hated of Bumble was that it was very difficult to get a gist of the personality of the guy with an inch long profile text. Which would make it difficult to recognise the stalker if he is using a photo that is not his own.

HollowTalk · 02/11/2019 23:54

That sounds horrific. Could you move to another area?

Have you looked at Meet Up?

Original poster
AmaiyaGrace1 · 03/11/2019 06:29

I have moved changed all my details etc. But have been told not to start using social media again (ever possibly) which means I'm still changing my life in little ways all the time. I want to be able to move on, because it has been a very long time now and if I had known it would go on so long I wouldn't have agreed to coming off at all. I hadn't really considered what it meant for me at work or trying to ever date again. I also had to give up all my friends and stop speaking to most of my family just in case. Apparently he is that dangerous and yet they haven't locked him up?

OP posts:
Anotherlongdrive · 03/11/2019 06:34

I may be wrong. I only used old briefly.

But I think you can set them so you only see men in the immediate area, or a 3 mile radius.

I don't think you would show up on his dating app if, you set a 3 mile radius and he lives 20 miles away.

IdiotInDisguise · 03/11/2019 10:19

I don't think you would show up on his dating app if, you set a 3 mile radius and he lives 20 miles away.

Yes, that means you don’t see people based more than : miles away but anyone in the whole country who has not put distance restrictions can still see you.

OP, don’t even think of OLD as an option with this man in the loose. As frustrating as it can be, the only option may be to try to settle down and increase your circle of friends/acquaintances in your new location and hope for the best. Running clubs are good places to meet men, from what I saw in OLD lots of newly divorced people throw themselves into them.

hopefulhalf · 03/11/2019 10:22

I have been married for 20 years so feel free to ignore. I would join a running or triathelon/ cycling club.

Scott72 · 03/11/2019 10:26

If it was the police who told you to do this, then you should probably continue to follow these directives. But if it was anyone else you need to ask if it is really necessary to so drastically limit your life. You had a terrible time, I can't imagine. But who told you needed to live as kind of hermit? What did they say exactly? It just seems extreme and a bit strange.

IdiotInDisguise · 03/11/2019 10:36

It is not that strange really, I have a very guarded online presence due to crazy exH. I am only relaxing things a bit recently, more than 10 years later. I also had to cut off a lot of mutual friends, and to this date I don’t have anyone in Facebook no matter how close they are if they are likely to know people who is in touch with my ex. I don’t tell much to my family because, with the best intentions, they have put DS and I at risk when trying to “help”.

I would say OP that I gladly did all sacrifices for my own sanity and the welfare of my child, the less he could know about us the lower the likelihood of us bearing the brunt of his nastiness.

burnoutbabe · 03/11/2019 10:42

I am not sure a new man is what you need. You say you have given up most friends and family due to the stalker, so this new man would your everything? I'd work on moving jobs and location and building up a new network. Would you be even able to go out in public on dates in case stalker found out?

Original poster
AmaiyaGrace1 · 03/11/2019 11:13

I have moved (a long while ago now) am making new friends but had to stop seeing old ones who knew ex, also family who think that they can talk to him, settled into the area and trying to get my career back on track again which has its own hurdles.

I don't want to get into a serious relationship, right now, but I would like to start dating again. Going out for the evening with friends, too, yeah, but also 2 years is a long time and I've been told this by the police and without end. So basically I would be seen as putting my self and kids at risk by going back on social media, forever. There policy seems to be for me to restrict my life more and more and I think I'm done with that now. I don't want to be reckless, I get I need to be careful forever. But I have completed all the courses and read all the books, and I feel like I'm ready now.

Not ready to move in get married etc. Not sure I ever will be, that's a whole other thread. But ready to go for a drink/dinner/movie. I wouldn't want my kids to meet anyone for a year or so anyway, so I guess this would be for me. My parents found love again after a messy divorce and I would love to be where they are 20 years on (both happily married but not to each other). I don't think this should have to be the end, just because I met a bad fish last time.

OP posts:
PumpkinP · 03/11/2019 11:32

I agree with the other poster. I wouldn’t think about dating tbh. It’s only been two years that you got out of a seriously abusive relationship. So I would just concentrate on my children if I was you. Two years really isn’t a long time.

Original poster
AmaiyaGrace1 · 03/11/2019 11:40

@PumpkinP

So how long would you suggest?

OP posts:
PumpkinP · 03/11/2019 11:45

I don’t know how long but it doesn’t seem like you’re in a position to date right now. It’s been 3 years since I broke up with my ex and still haven’t dated. You have a lot going on, do you really want to add to it?

shouldhavecalleditoatabix · 03/11/2019 11:50

I completely disagree. Of course you should be free to date. Yes it sounds like you've been through a lot and we would all say exercise caution but why shouldn't you spend an nice evening out feeling good about yourself?

That said, perhaps you could have a meal out with friends or colleagues instead which takes away all the intricacies of dating but still gives you the fun night out? Others have also mentioned joining a club like running? Seems another great way to meet people?

Original poster
AmaiyaGrace1 · 03/11/2019 11:51

Seems like double standards to me. Like mums are just meant to make it work with the Dad or stay single until the kids leave home. Plus if the dad is abusive the police punish the mum and kids not the dad, so he gets to live a normal life and she doesn't.

OP posts:
Original poster
AmaiyaGrace1 · 03/11/2019 11:57

@shouldhavecalleditoatabix

I wish I could run! I get shin splints jogging. So frustrating, as I actually really used to love running. I guess it's just putting myself out there as much as possible, just feels like everybody I meet is creepy or married. I guess that would be true on OLD too though

OP posts:
NWQM · 03/11/2019 12:13

For what it's worth I'd say you sound ready to start new friendships - I wouldn't restrict yourself to dating as such especially if you can't use OLD. You will need to simply 'get out there' to have a hope of meeting anyone to date.

I'd suggest taking up a hobby and attending a course or meetings is the only logical way.

It sounds like very dated advice but hopefully you will make some new friends and then go out then met more people etc

crustycrab · 03/11/2019 12:18

Have you used your name or your daughters as your user name here? MN is social media, although anonymous but an unusual name could give you away

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.