Break up with father of child

[toshbish123]

Can I just ask, how on earth do people have any kind of relationship with the other parent after a terrible break up?

My ex was emotionally, verbally and financially abusive and it took me far too long to leave him and now I'm just really struggling because he wants to see baby every day, and I just can't handle it. He wants to see baby where I am living even though I've said I'm happy to take LO to him and collect, or that he can borrow the car to take baby out. But he insists on coming here, if I wanted to spend time with him I'd have stayed with him! He's just still being utterly vile at every opportunity, today alone I've been "effing idiot" "pr?ck" "c£nt" and many others. Including that I am lazy because I'm not working (on maternity leave at decent paid job and going back when it's finished?!).

I've now stopped him coming here although it's only been a few days and it's not ideal taking her out when he demands each day.

I had savings to cover myself whilst on maternity but he spent them (my money, not ours) all so I will not have him lording money over me when he barely gives us anything anyway! I also take my child out and do loads with them, so I won't be called lazy either!

I'm biting my tongue and not saying anything back but I can't do this for the rest of my life. I want to get away from him and I just don't know how I can do that. (Not relying on him for money or anything). I know I'm being a doormat and being too nice to him by the way, I'm just trying to play it as nice as possible so my LO never resents me when they're older for daddy not being around - having said that, I really am starting to hate him and I can't keep quiet and be a yes woman forever.

He loves our child and I'm not worried about LO when they're with him however I do only like LO with him on their own for two-three hours tops as he just pops baby in front of YouTube (not slating YouTube, us parents sometimes need YouTube as an Ali lol, but what's the point in having a baby if you're not going to speak/play ever!).

Hope I don't come across like an arse here. Just really fed up and don't know what to do. If I'm honest I wish he'd just lose interest in both of us (I know, that's terrible).

Sort out contact and maintenance legally.

Asking to see LO every day is too much contact for you to handle, and you're within your rights to stop that amount.

You need to set very firm boundaries with him. It's inappropriate and unrealistic for him to come into your home and he needs to learn to co parent separately, and sort out a suitable place to take your child for contact.
If he doesn't have anywhere, then tell him to organise a contact centre for the interim until he is sorted. If he doesn't agree, he can go through the courts. The courts are your friend in these circumstances and will help you reach a workable agreement.

I was in a similiar position to you, ( 20 years ago) and offered twice a week, on a wednesday and a weekend day. It's not viable to do anymore than this once you return to work. In retrospect, this was too often in my case.
I ended up stopping the contact altogether at one stage due to his abusive behaviour and went to see a solicitor. In the end, I only communicated with him regarding contact issues through his solicitor and mine. I also moved 70 miles away, as the stress and pressure of living nearby became unbearable. It really helped to put some structure into the contact in the short term. I had to revert to no contact again, and told him to take me to court for future contact to be decided.(He didn't)
Good luck...

He is using the contact to abuse and harass you. Well done for leaving him. You and your DC will have a much better life. But you now need to take further steps to legalise and formalise contact.

Take example from PP.
Do not let him into your home.
Do not let him have your car.
Have minimal contact and if you believe he is neglecting your child during this time - tell him to take you to court.

Every time you are exposed to domestic violence / abuse (name calling etc) your baby will absorb and internalise your emotional pain - they will become fearful and confused and anxious.

Do not expose your DC to the distress that your ex causes in you.

On one hand I appreciate him wanting to see LO every day because she's bloody fantastic and I can't imagine not seeing her every day so I do understand he must miss her. But then he isn't doing anything with her and when he's here his main focus is digging at me so then I think oh sod you.

He's threatened me with court loads of times but it's finally starting to sink it now that it would be barbaric of him to try and get full custody because I have videos of him saying he wants to punch me and I have messages from his friends saying he's told them he's going to hit me or smash the house up. Admittedly he's never hit me (which he reminds me all the time as if I should be grateful), but in my opinion threatening and frightening someone is simply not ok.

I do wonder if maybe I should worry for little ones safety with him to be honest. Not because he's given me any reason to think he'd hurt them, he honestly hasn't. But his temper can be appalling and I don't know, would it be dramatic to suggest he's capable of losing it with them too?

I definitely think I need some legal help. I don't want to stop my child having a relationship with their father, but I also don't want my child seeing me constantly stressed out and upset when actually other than my ex, I'm a happy person and couldn't be enjoying motherhood more! I just hope LO grows up with nice memories and hasn't taken too much of this rubbish in. (Still on mat leave so baby is still very young but read a lot about how arguments and upset can impact at this age)

He sounds vile.
I think you need to stop contact with him if you think his temper is so appalling that he could harm your DS.
Don't be daunted about going to court- I think this is your best option here as it will bring everything out into the open.

Encourage him to go to a solicitor- he will be told that its totally unrealistic to expect to see his child every day. And that he needs to make sure his own living arrangements means that he has somewhere suitable to have contact with his son. He will also be told how very expensive going to court is, so may make him see that mediation may be a good way forward instead. This would be good for you as you can discuss contact in a safe environment.
You really need to get your own legal advice and promptly. They will advise you re the threats and what is reasonable in the circumstances.
Don't agree to anything that is set in stone in the long term. Agree to trial agreements for 3 or six months and then reassess how it's going.
Keep a diary.
It's a difficult situation that will unfold as you go along. Have you got anyone that can support you?

This isn't about the break up, this is him continuing to abuse you. Hence the court threats (common abuser tactic to try and scare you into submission).

Get legal advice.

Speak to Women's Aid for support and specific advice.

Do the Freedom Programme to help you understand, anticipate and protect yourself from his behaviour. It will help you trust yourself and your judgement when he is trying to manipulate you and wear you down.a

Remember abuse is all about a quest for power and control over you - look for that in his behaviour (e.g. Wanting to see your child in your home) and you know he's being abusive. Then you know it's ok to protect yourself.

Oh, and when you're feeling guilty about "stopping your child seeing their father" etc do remember their father's willingness to use your child as a weapon with which to control and abuse you.

That's not what any decent parent does.

He sounds horrible and you need to establish boundaries (as others have said).

I’m worried he has access to your savings - why is this the case? You should be cutting him off as a matter of urgency. Can you contact the bank?

Oh sorry I might have misread

He no longer has access to any of my money, I foolishly helped him out of a bad spot one too many times (he kept walking out of jobs) and believed that he would replace the money but he never did. My own fault for not writing anything into an agreement and just assuming that my partner would respect id made savings so I could continue contributing half to our home whilst I was on maternity leave. As much as I could really use the money now it's a small price to pay to be free of him so I'm at peace with never getting that back.

To be honest all I want from life is to enjoy my time with my little one and my maternity leave and make sure we have a safe and chilled out home. I've got an amazing family and some lovely friends, so honestly I'm alright generally. Obviously this gets me down a lot but eventually it'll be a distant memory and I'll be ok - just can't wait for that day!

His family don't speak to us anymore (me and baby), originally they encouraged me to leave as they witnessed him threatening me but when him not living with us caused an inconvenience to them, they decided to start texting me abuse as well.

Writing this I'm amazed by the lack of emotion I feel talking about him, I thought I'd always love him even after everything he's done but I honestly don't think I do anymore. That's quite a nice feeling.

Thanks for your replies by the way, legal advice is definitely what I need next. I guess I just wanted to make sure I wasn't making a decision based on my emotions towards him as oppose to what's best for little one.