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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DP announcing he's leaving, then changing his mind twice in the past month

17 replies

Weaponisedas · 02/11/2019 15:36

DP has been blowing hot and cold recently, he's hot at the minute.

Twice within the past month he has announced he isn't happy and feels as though he's just staying for the children and given the impression he's going to leave, then he does a 180 and wants to have date nights and make an effort, telling me he loves me and wants to make it work.

I'm %99.9 sure there isn't an OW.

I suspect he may be feeling depressed, he has been having some family troubles (his family) and he is under alot of financial pressure at the moment.

Am I kidding myself by trying to explain away his indecisiveness on external stressors and mental health or would you be assuming the relationship is over for him?

OP posts:

timeisnotaline · 02/11/2019 15:40

Either way, I would not let someone keep calling the shots on your relationship like this. I’d sit him down and say maybe you’re struggling, maybe you could do with some help. I love you and I would like to help you. However I’m a person not a punch bag. You’ve said you’re leaving twice in the last month. This is very unfair on me and the children are picking up on it for sure. So next time you say you’re leaving, pack a bag and go stay somewhere else. For at least a week, but I don’t make any promises to let you back in. We both get a say in this relationship.

TimeforanotherChange · 02/11/2019 15:41

The second time he announced it I'd have said "off you fuck then" and he would not have been given the opportunity to change his mind again. The relationship would be over for me.

Ohnoherewego62 · 02/11/2019 15:44

What's happened that he feels so unhappy? Is there a backstory?

And no always remind him where the door is.

MrsAJ27 · 02/11/2019 15:48

I don't think you should be making excuses for his behaviour.

He has told you twice that he is leaving you then done a u-turn. I would be packing his bags for him.

BIWI · 02/11/2019 15:51

Would you/he consider some counselling? If there definitely isn't an OW, then it sounds like there is a lot that you both need to talk about. (Assuming you want to stay together, of course!)

Original poster

Weaponisedas · 02/11/2019 15:59

Thank you for the replies,

I'm extremely confused by this sudden indecisive shift because we've been together a long time and have a family.

For that reason I didn't want to write him off whilst there was a question lingering about his mental health.

On the flip side I'm angry because my feelings are equally as important and by doing this twice in quick succession he's practically taking me for a mug.

After the first time he announced he wanted to leave we spent two nights apart at my insistence (because I was in shock and upset)

He then said he wanted to have an open and honest talk during which he confided in me about something quite upsetting from his past that was playing on his mind.

After the talk I of course offered my unconditional support and urged him to be open if he were struggling and suggested a GP appointment on the basis he could be depressed, which I could understand. He refused GP help and said he didn't need it.

We had a nice week following where things looked like they would be ok and we were close, he seemed fine.

He then goes to work and sends me a message saying he's sorry that he has wasted my time, and opening up to me about whats going on in his head hasn't changed anything and that he still feels as though he's only staying for the children. He indicates once again he's leaving.

I'm beside myself by this point wondering what on earth is going on.

24 hours later he then comes back, backtracking again, saying he loves me and wants to make it work.

And here we are.

OP posts:

PicsInRed · 02/11/2019 16:02

Everyone has some sort of family trouble and financial pressure at middle age.

I'm sorry, but it does sound OWish, and I would assume that she's blowing hot and cold on leaving her husband...and your husband is afraid to find himself alone.

I would prepare myself and think about finances and good solicitors. Start photocopying financial and key documents and putting them at another address. He's ahead of you, but not by much at this stage. You still have time to get yourself a head start.

Original poster

Weaponisedas · 02/11/2019 16:07

I have already separated my money from his and taken the necessary steps in the event of a permanent split, so I'm safe in that regard.

He has aspergers so understanding him is a struggle at the best of times but I haven't a clue what all this is really about.

I'm fairly sure there isn't an OW but of course I can't be certain.

OP posts:

Nc77 · 02/11/2019 16:26

Make the decision for him and leave his bags outside the door

MzHz · 02/11/2019 16:40

I came on to say word for word what @Nc77 said!

Startingoveragain1 · 02/11/2019 17:49

Mine ia doing the same. He has been depressed, is avoiding the gp, told me out of the blue we were over, then seemed to back track, then seems to be thinking that again. He doesnt seem in a hurry to move out though. I dont feel i want to start the conversation again as i dont wanna rock the boat and am trying to ease the load for him. But ive been in limbo for 3 weeks now and he keeps acting distant refering to me and kids as a different unit and then referring to us together, now he is comin with the distance again and even how he speaks to me is so different. This limbo is not healthy for you (im startin to see how badly its affectig me). Ive set myself a date, i will put his mh first and try to help him and if he is the same i will then have to ask him to leave. I hope i dont lose myself in the process. See how u are and if you feel strong maybe you could consider that. Problem is if they dont go gp nothin much is gonna magically change ..so sorry youre goung through the same crap...

egontoste · 02/11/2019 18:02

He needs to be told that just because he has aspergers, he can't treat you this way. Although he will not be able to empathise with how you feel, you can still tell him that his behaviour is unacceptable.

Interestedwoman · 02/11/2019 18:09

timeisnotaline gave good advice- tell him it's not ok to take it out on you.

I would insist he get help- if not meds then at least therapy. Otherwise, he's not doing anything to improve what's happening, which is all coming from him, not you.

Interestedwoman · 02/11/2019 18:10

If he doesn't get help and do what they prescribe/suggest, I would get rid of him.

ChristmasFluff · 02/11/2019 18:56

Thomas Szasz gets a bad rap nowadays, and he really shouldn't, because he'd stop a lot of normalised codependency.

He is responsible for his actions, however 'ill' he is.

You cannot change him, but you are completely responsible for your own happiness, and that of your children.

You are thus compelled to action with that in mind.

RLEOM · 02/11/2019 20:14

This reply has been deleted

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PersonaNonGarter · 02/11/2019 21:11

There’s an OW. Dime to dollar.

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