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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I selfish for ending the relationship

7 replies

grecianurn82 · 02/11/2019 13:42

I've posted a couple of times before about my situation, its finally come to a head and I finished the relationship I was in but I feel like I've been really selfish.
I've been in a same sex relationship for almost two years, I live with my dcs, she lives in her parents house with her child. Her mum is incredibly controlling, I'd call her abusive and I dont throw that term around lightly. She controls where gf goes, how much money she has, where she brings her child. Gf was calling in to me 2 nights a week after her child went to bed, we would also meet for lunch during the week. The problem was weekends. Her mum wouldnt allow her out at weekends. She wanted her to spend Saturdays shopping and doing housework and sundays bringing her out wherever she wanted to go. She didnt like gf being in a relationship (part of it was homophobia but I think she just didnt like her having a life outside the house). I was never allowed out to their house, in two years i have never seen where my gf lives. Theres more but this is the gist. Anyway yesterday I finished the relationship, we had a chat and gf agrees that her mum (and her exh) have done so much damage to her that she is afraid to go against what her mum says. From my point of view I'm tired of being in a relationship with someone I dont get to see. She has suggested that she may need counselling and I agreed but I've told her that for now I dont want any contact with her. I really do love her and I'm so upset that we're finished, I know if we're in touch we'll just end up back in the same cycle again and I cant keep doing it.

But at the same time I feel like I've abandoned her. Am I really just a selfish cow? Should I keep in touch with her to make sure shes ok? She has mh issues which I'm really worried might be triggered by this.

OP posts:
simplekindoflife · 02/11/2019 14:16

I don't think you're being selfish at all. I feel sorry for your ex but you need something from a relationship too!

grecianurn82 · 02/11/2019 14:21

Thank you. I feel so sorry for her, I know she hates how her life is but part of me thinks if she cared that much about the relationship she would be trying to make changes by now.

OP posts:
FineWordsForAPorcupine · 02/11/2019 15:20

You are not being selfish. You can't keep going out with someone you don't want to - it's not fair to them and it's not fair to you.

You have done the right thing. I know it's tough though Flowers

TowelNumber42 · 02/11/2019 15:21

Clean break helps her to move on and sort herself out. Mixed messages are the worst for mental health issues.

Bananalanacake · 02/11/2019 15:26

that sounds awful for your ex. is she in a position to move out. she's trapped in a controlling relationship with her Dm.

Grumpelstilskin · 02/11/2019 15:31

You are not selfish at all! You cannot carry this relationship alone. Your ex needs to woman the fuck up. You cannot do it for her, otherwise she is always going to be a meek and feeble person and you are just replacing the parent. You deserve a lot better. If your ex DP were a man, everyone would call him a pathetic mamma's boy.

grecianurn82 · 02/11/2019 16:16

Shes in a difficult situation really, she moved back in with her mum after leaving a very abusive relationship with her ex. Trouble is shes gone from one bad situation to another. She wont move out, her mum has told her she wont manage on her own and shes so brainwashed shes believing it. I'm finding the lack of contact so so hard.

OP posts:
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