Mental load

[MeadowHay]

I am so annoyed and upset with my DH right now. I am sick of doing the entire mental load for the family. There is only us two and toddler DC. We are planning to have at least one more child later down the line but I just think, that's just one more set of everything I need to remember and be responsible for. And do I really want that? I don't, but I do want another child.

Everyone thinks my DH is amazing. And don't get me wrong he has sometimes been amazing and stepped up. Apart from taking no responsibility for anything for my DD he is a good dad. In the sense that he is attentive, loving, spends lots of time with her. And same as a partner - does/did his fair share of the nights with DD, if I ask him to make me a cup of tea or if I can't face getting up with DD and ask him to, he would never ever say no (barring illness or something maybe). He does do some chores but I usually have to ask him to do something about 5 times before he does it a few days later when I start to get annoyed.

We talk about the above often and he gets upset and says sorry and then will spend the next two hours doing housework or some of the jobs I've been asking him to do for the last 5 days. And then goes back to exactly the same until we have the next exact same discussion when I get at the end of my tether again.

Is this it? He's surely never going to change now. Do I just have to accept that this is the way it's always going to be? Should I just stick with the one child so I don't have even more stress to think about?

FWIW my DH doesn't have a real income and hasn't done so for over a year, he is a student. So not only do I do the entire mental load, I do most of the housework, and im the only one earning money and paying all the bills too. So it's not as if he is contributing financially (not that that would be a get out clause anyway but just for context).

Sounds like you already have two children. You're more his mummy than his wife.

Apart from taking no responsibility for anything for my DD he is a good dad
Errr.......?

Haha I know when I was writing that it looks bad. I'm not great with words sorry not sure how to express it. Like for example if I went away for a weekend which I have done once, I don't worry about her being looked after or anything. I know he's capable and loving and she loves him and is well cared for and has a nice time with him etc. I just mean he doesn't take responsibility for any of the extra stuff e.g. health appointments, nursery comms (he normally does pick up tho so gets the handover), doesn't organise stuff for her to do or go to groups or anything but I appreciate that's not a necessity anyway, vary rarely does food/nappy shopping, never does clothes shopping for her...that kind of thing iyswim.

He's acting like a child in the relationship which is just so unattractive and leaves you in a parent role. Why isnt he working and earning properly? Dh has been similar and basically sits around doing as little as possible whilst I run around like a nutter having also been up with toddler DD who is teething and full of cold. You say that he spends time with and plays with DD but so does my 15yr old DSS. That's all lovely but is only a fraction of the care that a toddler needs. Is he happy? I've starter asking DH if he wants to leave as he seems to dislike and avoid family life. I told DH fairly early on that he needs to either be 50/50 with me as we earn the same (although I'm PT) or he can actually try and sort his career out and earn the money if he wants me to do all the house stuff.

What is he studying? Is it something that's going to give him a real advantage in future employment? Why can't he work part-time? Noone studies 24/7.

I think you are massively (and rightfully) resentful about doing everything. Resentment is a big part of what killed my marriage, and it will kill yours if you dont tackle it.

Your DH sounds like a decent person. Sit down and talk to him one night after DD is in bed. Make a list of bullet points from your initial post. Dont just dictate, discuss it together. See if you can come up with solutions. Perhaps when he sees just how much this is affecting you, it will open his eyes.

Do NOT get pregnant again.

You need to fully delegate stuff to him and let him sink until he can do it.

I suggest meal planning, food shopping and cooking plus all the laundry - washing, drying, putting away his and DDs put perhaps not yours!

As a student he does have the time to do this stuff. If he isn't there to cook on those days he tells you what meal it is (or he can write a list)

When you run out of food it's up to him to sort it, same with clothes.

It is brilliant you no longer have to think about food or clothes ever again!

I also handed dentist and GP visits to DH

I feel like we've had that talk so many times though and nothing is changing it's got the point where I even once was so upset that I mentioned that sometimes it feels like it would be easier for me for us to live apart as I'd probably be financially better off and if he took DD EOW or something I would have some peace and quiet and a chance to do all our housework etc. That scared him and he got very upset - but it didn't change his behaviour! He has told me recently he is worried about it though and I feel for him because he is in a precarious situation atm being financially dependent on me, he has no contact with his parents (I am understanding of the reasons why), 1 sibling who would be loathe to ever help anyone with anything, and we live in a house owned by my DPs. So I can understand that the prospect of him losing me and having to move out would be really scary as he worries about being so alone. But then I think, well it's scary enough if he won't change?!

Tbf to him he couldnt work on this course or if he did then that would just mean spending hardly any time with DD and I would rather he prioritise time with her over a tiny bit of extra income. It is an intense course and it should lead to a secure professional job and his starting salary should be double mine. It's a postgrad HCP course. I don't begrudge him doing it per se and it will benefit us all in the long run but it is grating when he does things like buys food shopping we don't need and a load of food goes off in the bin and I feel like that's my hard earned money going in the bin and I wonder whether he would behave like that if it was him earning it. Which is not a nice way to be thinking about your OH is it.

He spends most his course on placements btw and is genuinely out the house most of the time. So for example on this current placement he leaves the house at 7.45am and gets back just before 6pm when he collects DD from nursery. So the hours are like having a job most of the time.

He could still meal plan and order a food delivery. You could go through it with him the first few times and ask "why do we need that", "how would we eat that before it went off"

You need to find stuff that he can do and that he then does without being asked or reminded.

Ah ok, i wondered if it was that sort of a course. At least he isnt sitting around all day but, and this is the important bit, some people have actual jobs where they work those hours, and they still have to look after their homes and families.

You shouldnt have to do this with a grown man who will presumably one day be responsible for actual human lives, but give him a chore list. Its only fair.

RandomMess yep, I do that atm. He does bits of shopping here and there if I ask him to get something on his way back from uni/placement and often he will think he is being helpful by also buying a bunch of other things except it's usually stuff we don't need or stuff I've already bought but he doesn't check with me first and then we have double of something and half of it goes off and in the bin. I can't remember the last time he decided what we were going to have for tea! He used to do more cooking, food shopping, and meal planning before DD was born now that I think about it

Yes maybe I need to go down the route of lists. Tbf I've done this in the past sometimes and it does seem to help. Depressing that I need to though! Sometimes he will ask me as well "what needs doing?" and expects a list basically. Then I feel glad he has asked and shown interest in helping but I think why should I have to tell you?!

You sit together and ask him what he thinks needs doing and who should do it...

He can start with meal planning...

It's like you've taken on "mum" role in his eyes, probably replicating what happened in his childhood home...

Tbh it's complicated re: his childhood. His DM actually wasn't the most amazing parent and certainly didn't run about after him or anything. He lived on/off with a grandparent due to neglect. I think it's more that he hasnt had much behaviour modelled to him that causes him difficulty in terms of household chores. The conditions he grew up in in his DM's house were awful so I guess he doesn't know what normal is. So I should be more empathetic but it's hard when I'm getting annoyed.

Any reason why he can't take over all the food shopping (with a pre-set budget for the week) and cooking?

Noone modelled cleaning to him growing up, so now he doesnt know how to use a hoover? Yeah right. I imagine noone modelled post-graduate study to him either, but here he is, succeeding at it.

Dont make excuses for him. Shit backgrounds can be overcome, and hes shown that he is capable of that. He just needs to pull his weight at home as well.

No lists, no reminders.
You clean half the house, he cleans half the house
To your own standard and at the time of your choosing
He does all the washing or all the shopping and meal planning. Half the cooking and half the washing up. He does nursery reminders and admin, you do health appointments.
If it's not working for you you're not wanting the role of his parent so he needs to know you will end it if it's not a partnership.

Agree with Eva. Otherwise it gets too complicated. I think you need to sit down and arrange something simple together. This is especially the case as you need to ask him 5 times. I have a teenage DS and know how annoying that can be. Keep it simple. Put it on the fridge or wherever you can both see it clearly. If he's not good at mental work/memory things, fine, he can do the physical work, cleaning floors, hoovering, washing up, whatever.

If he doesn't pull his weight then I think you have some more thinking to do. At the moment you're earning the money, doing the housework, and mostly bringing up your child it sounds like. Untenable.

Noone modelled cleaning to him growing up, so now he doesnt know how to use a hoover? Yeah right. I imagine noone modelled post-graduate study to him either, but here he is, succeeding at it

^ had to smile a bit at that one!