Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should I end long-standing friendship with ex-boyfriend?

13 replies

Rocaille · 02/11/2019 08:13

I have a long-standing friendship with an ex-boyfriend who I broke up with almost ten years ago (or rather, he broke up with me). We were together for seven years, and also friends for a few years before we became an item. So he's been in my life for about twenty years.

Recently, my friend complained that we didn't have enough contact and said he was sad that we weren't closer. His birthday was coming up, so I suggested we meet up. I planned a few activities, which he said sounded rubbish. Oh well, I thought, let's just meet up and see what he wants to do.

A few days before, I texted my friend to say I wanted to postpone until the following week, as DH was having a mental health crisis and needed my support. He hasn't replied. I think he's sulking, which would be characteristic for him.

I'm really fed up. I'm struggling to cope with a young DD, a shitty marriage and multiple mental and physical health problems of my own. My husband is very emotionally demanding and absorbs a great deal of my energies. I just can't cope with another whinging, sulking man-child in my life.

Shall I bring this friendship to an end? I'm exhausted, but also mindful that I don't want to take a step I'll regret in future years. The connection has been very important to me. Indeed, at one time I felt it was the most important thing in my life: for many years I thought my friend was a soulmate, although I don't think that now of course. Another consideration is: I don't have any other friends, I'm extremely socially isolated as it is, and probably shouldn't withdraw myself further. What do you think?

OP posts:
Namechangeforthiscancershit · 02/11/2019 08:24

Sulking doesn't sound good. Is he normal like that?

How often do you end up meeting him?

Rocaille · 02/11/2019 08:29

Thanks for replying.

Yes, when he feels he's been wronged, he sulks. When on form, he's a very funny, very interesting conversationalist. He does care, in his own, selfish way. He's very, very eccentric. Aspergic perhaps? I'm not sure.

We meet a handful of times each year. When first we broke up, we met more often. I struggled to cope with the separation. Now I am happy to have more distance.

OP posts:
Cloverbeauty · 02/11/2019 08:44

I think ditch him. You have no reason to stay friends, he is being unreasonable, you have your own life and family now. They are your priority. How would you feel if your husband prioritised an ex over you? I know you haven't yet, or at least your op says that, but he may be being demanding in his attention needs because you keep an ex on the back burner.

HeddaGarbled · 02/11/2019 08:47

I think you’re probably playing it right already. You can see him now and again if and when you want to. If that’s not good enough for him, let him sulk to his heart’s content.

Now then ..... about this emotionally demanding husband. Are you getting any support from him with your own struggles?

unfathomablefathoms · 02/11/2019 08:59

So you've got two men in your life treating you badly? I wouldn't dream of treating a friend the way he is treating you.

This friendship sounds at best unhealthy. If you're honest with yourself are you holding on to it as a way to stay connected to what it used to be and avoid loneliness rather than for the stress and shitty, manipulative treatment it brings you in the present?

You can still visit and connect with your memories from the good times without needing to still be in contact.

I'm not sure I would view ending a toxic relationship as isolating yourself so much as freeing up energy, headspace and time for you to potentially bring healthy relationships into your life. Wouldn't that be a good thing?

funnylittlefloozie · 02/11/2019 09:04

Ending a friendship sounds very dramatic. Just dial him down a bit, you've got more than enough on your plate. I would certainly not go running after him now, just stop giving him so much headspace.

You are looking after so many people, but who is taking care of you?

Rocaille · 02/11/2019 09:07

Wow, lots of replies - thanks everyone for the insight. I have to go out now, but will check back in later to read and reply properly.

OP posts:
Aussiebean · 02/11/2019 09:08

I don’t think you need to have an all out end. Just let him sulk and contact you. If he is over it and you get something positive then fine continue. If he is going to be an arse again, but to letting him sulk.

Just find your boundaries and stick to them. And do give any mental energy to him. You have enough going on at home that you need to look after yourself.

Aussiebean · 02/11/2019 09:10

Don’t give him mental energy. Blush

Basically just because he was a big part of your life once, doesn’t mean you should keep him in your life now if he is detrimental to it.

saraclara · 02/11/2019 09:13

I'd leave it to him. Do what feels right to you in the friendship. See him/talk to him when it fits in with your life and it's positive. If that's not enough for him, he'll vote with his own feet.
Just don't let him berate you first. Make it clear that you value his friendship but that your life is finely balanced and complex at the moment. That you'll give him what you can, but you can't always be available, and won't tolerate him blaming you for that.

InfiniteSheldon · 02/11/2019 09:14

I'd dump them both

Longdistance · 02/11/2019 09:19

Sounds exhausting just reading your op.

Maybe cool this friendship with your ex for now, stuck it in ice. I don’t see why you’re friends with him to be honest, he sounds like hard work.
What support are you getting for your dh?

You need support yourself too.

Maybe your ex is jealous your dh is getting the attention?

InfiniteSheldon · 02/11/2019 09:21

Posted too soon, having spent a huge chunk of my twenties and thirties on emotionally draining men giving them up and focusing on my dc and myself has paid dividends I am now happily married to a partner who supports me as much as I support him. Look at yourself and why you pick these men and train yourself to stop doing it they are emotional vampires

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread