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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Friend stolen from me... (99% sure)

28 replies

NameChangedNoImagination · 02/11/2019 02:44

My best friend who is a long standing friend of DPs as well, I think has stolen from me. He stays overnight sometimes and sleeps on the sofa.

Once I got up the next morning and was sure I'd had more money than what was there. But I wasn't absolutely sure so left it.

The next time he came over I made sure to remember how much I had. Again when I checked it was short.

I'm really very sad about it. I lost another best friend earlier this year due to an argument we had. I would have made it up but then saw she'd made a passive aggressive status about me on Facebook and decided the 'friendship' was not what I thought it was.

Going to have no friends left at this rate...

It's actually made me very depressed. I leaned on this friend when I lost my other friend and he was always so kind and supportive.

Do I confront or just never speak to him again?

OP posts:
RantyAnty · 02/11/2019 03:05

What does your DP say about it?

Pixxie7 · 02/11/2019 03:23

You have to find out, but could you perhaps say something to the effect that you seem to be missing some money rather that accuse outright ? He must be pretty desperate if he has but once it’s out there you can’t take it back if your wrong.

Wonderland18 · 02/11/2019 03:24

I’d definitely question it

Pringlesfortea · 02/11/2019 03:37

Your dp could of taken it or borrowed it

Luckybe40 · 02/11/2019 04:05

How much are we talking about? Don’t feel badSad you weren’t to know. People are fucked up. My beloved nanny who helped me raise my DC from when they were babies was actually robbing us blind, we just never ever expected it to be her until we saw the video proof. I couldn’t believe it. It’s a horrid feeling, like you can’t trust anyone. Sympathies.Flowers

Luckybe40 · 02/11/2019 04:07

If you question it, you’ll never EVER get the truth. Just denial which will fuck with your head. Has anything else gone missing?

ThisIsSamhain · 02/11/2019 04:21

Set up a hidden camera. You can get them really cheap these days.

I wouldn't confront without concrete proof.

FabbyChix · 02/11/2019 04:22

Friends mean nothing if they steal from you. I’d rather have no one than a friendship that’s no equal

EileenAlanna · 02/11/2019 04:27

Agree with @FabbyChix.

Zoflorabore · 02/11/2019 04:35

Sadly I think you may have to set a trap.

Is he in a financial mess at all? It’s tough because once that trust has gone or is in doubt, it’s hard to recover from that.

How much money are we talking and where do you keep it?
It may be that you have to take your bag/purse to bed with you ( obviously not in the bed! ) and see if he mentions needing to borrow money or if he has any money worries.

It’s a hard one op, I suspect one of my close friends stole some of my birthday money last year and I’ve never been the same with her. Sadly, she has “form” which I’ve found out since.

Original poster
NameChangedNoImagination · 02/11/2019 04:47

DP also says set a trap. Might just have to. It's just the odd £10 here and there. Yes, he is struggling for money. I wish he'd just ask, though...

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChangedNoImagination · 02/11/2019 04:49

@Luckybe40 that's awful Sad yes, the feeling of not being able to trust is just horrible. Having had two of my best friendships go down the pan this year, I am seriously questioning my judgment of people. It's shit.

OP posts:
dontgobaconmyheart · 02/11/2019 05:05

How disappointing OP, especially as they have financial problems which makes it fairly sad overall.

I think you'll have to set it up again (subtly mark the note, take a photo on your phone of the note) and confront them if they take it. I would hear them out due to financial difficulties (depending on their response) and go from there but certainly the trust would be gone.

Mothership4two · 02/11/2019 05:46

You would have to be pretty certain that he took it OP. But if you know you have had money go missing while the friend was there and there is definitely no way someone else could have taken it, then, for me, that would be the end of the friendship.

I had a work friend who I am 99.9% sure stole from me. She was the only one who could have taken it, but at the time I couldnt accept it (or prove it). Then two other work friends had money stolen when she had the opportunity but again it was not 100% clear cut (and we were still going "no, it can't be..."). After I left she was fired for stealing from the company. I remember her also doing some event waiting "for fun" with a friend and them both getting fired after a few weeks for fiddling, she blamed the friend, who shortly after became an ex-friend. My work friend was mid-20s, lived at home with wealthy parents (was an only child), had no expensive outgoings and often asked her parents to buy her stuff (which they did). She appeared to be healthy and clear-headed with no obvious addictions. Although you never can tell, but I socialised with her quite a lot and she wasn't a heavy drinker, I never saw any evidence of drugs, gambling or any kind of risk-taking. She seemed like just your typical girl next door albeit a little bit spoilt. My gut feeling was that she just had sticky fingers.

Maybe your friend just has sticky fingers too?

Mothership4two · 02/11/2019 05:48

Sorry cross posted - just read he is struggling for money. But that doesn't make it OK to take from a friend, especially as you are putting him up.

SummerWhisper · 02/11/2019 09:55

Are you leaving cash out or is he going into your purse? He is no friend, so that status has already gone. Poverty does not turn people into thieves. Having no morals does.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 02/11/2019 10:00

I agree with the camera idea - it's such a huge accusation that the friendship will never recover, and he is unlikely to admit it, so without proof you will always be wondering.

Plus, it may not be him. This is a way to clear his name.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 02/11/2019 10:10

Really difficult one.

If he was to confess, could you find it in yourself to forgive? And maybe work with him on improving his financial issues? (EG helping him budget, find better APR on existing loans, providing him a reference to get a more well-paying job etc)

I know I'm going against the grain here, but he hasn't ram-raided the house, he's taken a small amount which he probably thought you wouldn't notice.

You described him as your best friend, so for me I'd want to give him a chance to mend his ways.

Just one chance though.

Nc77 · 02/11/2019 23:46

Set up a hidden camera or make a mark on a note and when you realise it’s short ask him to turn out his pockets.

cabbageking · 02/11/2019 23:53

Tell him money has gone missing but you can't narrow down who took it and now you can't trust anyone.

Let him mull on that for a while.

MyKingdomForBrie · 03/11/2019 00:08

Oh that's such a tricky situation OP, I don't know what I'd do in this situation, maybe just remove temptation by making sure you leave nothing lying around? But I'm very non confrontational!

75Renarde · 03/11/2019 06:23

I like @cabbagekings suggestion.

Original poster
NameChangedNoImagination · 04/11/2019 14:01

Update...

Very unexpected situation.

I told him I knew he'd done it. He admitted it. I cried about the breakdown of trust. He cried and apologised profusely and let me know why he'd done it, although he said there was no excuse. He then came to our house the next day and told my DP and was very honest about it.

Call us mugs but we've forgiven him.

OP posts:
SellmeyourMLMcrap · 04/11/2019 14:24

Call us mugs but we've forgiven him.

People will call you that. I wouldn't. It shows a kind heart and a good friend.
The friendship may not last now anyway due to this trust breakdown but they have owned their mistake which is far more than many would ever do, most would leave the friendship over and badmouth you behind your back so whatever led this person to behave like such a prick, they do have some redeeming qualities.

AllDaySnacker · 04/11/2019 14:48

It was sad that he couldn’t ask to borrow in the first place, but having gone through the confrontation, I think what he’s done is the best possible that I would have expected in the situation. I take the stance that really good friends are so hard to find. You and DP sound like really good friends to him. I’m glad you have spoken about it and chosen to forgive... living with suspicion isn’t pleasant and just turns you sour.