Do I stay or leave?

[Alara22]

Hi guys I’m new to this site! I just really need some advice because I’m getting very distressed in my current situation. I have a boyfriend who I’ve been with just shy of 6 years. We have a two year old daughter together and have been living together for about 3 years. He works full time and I’m a SAHM. We’re in a rather strange relationship because we will go weeks of being normal and happy and then suddenly one day he will wake up in a horrible mood where he will sulk all day and be rude to me so we have an argument which is apparently what he wants so he can “get out his bottled up feelings” he then tells me how I’ve been basically a bad girlfriend and he always brings up that he doesn’t desire me sexually anymore and forces himself to even touch me. It really upsets and surprises me when he gets like this because I really don’t expect it after being what I thought was happy. He tells me he’s not happy with me because apparently I’ve put him through too much stress so he no longer desires me, but then he says he doesn’t want to break up our family by leaving us so he bottles everything up. I’m at the point where I just don’t know what to do now because I really really love him and I want him in every way, I’m head over heels for him even after nearly 6 years so it makes me feel so hurt, rejected and intimately neglected by him. I don’t know if I should leave him but I know it will break me and I really don’t want to lose him. I’ve tried being everything he wants but it just seems I’m never good enough for him. I don’t know what I expect from this post, any advice or anyone else who may have gone through this would Make me feel a bit better to know I’m not alone
Thanks guys

What you are describing is the Cycle of Abuse - you can google it. It is something abusers do because it is addictive to the victim. This is why you think you love him - you are mistaking your addiction to the chemicals your brain releases when he 'approves' of you (after he's created the drought of your 'fix'when he is being vile) for love.

To be really clear - this is abuse. People who love, care, trust and respect you would never treat you this way. The obvious conclusion is that he doesn't love you, and we all deserve to be loved.

the very least you can do is provide your own love, care trust and respect by ending this relationship. Every time you choose to stay, you are choosing to abandon yourself.

Think about it - would you want this relationship for your daughter? So if it isn't good enough for her, why on earth is it good enough for you?

I know how hard it is to break free, I really do. But you won't regret it once you are out of the 'approval withdrawal' phase.

He will never change - he will only get worse. All his 'explanations' are pure rationalisation of abuse. It is lies. He just gets his kicks and jollies out of hurting you. He is not a nice man.

He’s abusing you. He’s acting like he hates you. Please get away from him before he messes with your head any further.

This is not a normal or healthy relationship in any way. Your self esteem is very low to be accepting this.

I echo the pp’s. He is abusive to you. This is an abusive environment for your child. You dont want that for your child. Tell him to leave.

Sounds like hes not into your relationship and doesnt know how to tell you.

Rejection is hard. Sexual incompatibility is hard. Relationships require effort and nurturing but if his head isnt in it, then you are fighting a losing battle.

Would a break help or staying somewhere else for a few days help?

What were the "stresses" and is he a shit communicator or is that your fault too???

I wonder how he would react if you were to appear to cool off a bit. Maybe the next time he wants sex perhaps you could remember his cruel words and not feel so inclined to engage.

He is cruel - he demonstrates that in the way he treats you and the things he says. It's all to keep you hungry for more. It does, on the face of what you describe, sound abusive on his part.

He may respond by ramping up his nastiness, in which case you have some hard thinking to do. Would you consider thinking about how you could start to make yourself less reliant on him financially? How is he with money?

All I can add is that you will not be 'broken' without him. It is natural to imagine that when someone is in your situation. Life would be different, and not necessarily easier to start with. But him repeatedly pulling the proverbial rug out from under your feet will only make you unhappier each time. It can get to a point where a person feels totally helpless. This is why it is prudent, and kinder to yourself, to do some assessment of your situation now so you always have a choice (even if it's a hard one) rather than feeling you have none at all.