Hey all...
Thanks for taking the time to read this, it’s a long one lol...
I’m a new mum to a beautiful 6 month old baby girl and have a wonderful husband and a great family and on paper really shouldn’t have anything to complain about...but recently have started to have a real issue with the amount of visits from my in laws.
My husbands family are very nice people and love our daughter very much...And it honestly pains me to to think of them in a negative way because I know they aren’t doing anything bad as such, they just want to see their granddaughter.
To give a bit of a background, our daughter is the first grandchild in both sides of the family (everyone super excited lol), my husband works shift work and regularly home late or working weekends. On top of that he has been revising for an exam for the last 6 months and whatever time he had off he would try to get some study sessions in (exam thankfully over and anxiously waiting on results). My in laws live a 45 minute drive away and my family live a 5 minute walk away.
Before having a baby, my husband and I obviously had a lot of time to ourselves and spent it well enjoying our lives. We would have visited our in laws maybe around once a month and my family maybe a bit more frequently (most likely due to the close distance). Visits to in laws were always very pleasant, I always counted myself lucky to have landed such a wonderful family. I wouldn’t say that I am close to them but have a nice relationship.
Neither sets of parents really visited us at our own home and that was something I suppose I got used to.
After I gave birth, we were inundated with visitors and help at the beginning which was amazing but to be honest was a bit overwhelming at times. I remember crying to my husband a lot in the first 2 weeks as I felt we were not getting a chance to know our/hold our baby due to constant visits and people wanting to hold her... it was still an amazing time being a new, small family and I have never felt closer to my husband.
Eventually my husbands paternity leave ended and number of visitors started to decline, except the daily visits from in laws and less regular visits from my family. Reason for that is probably coz baby and I would tend to go to my parents house during the times when my husband would be working late/weekends - which was something I did before I even had a baby, I am very close to my mum and sisters and would have normally seen them 5-6days a week.
Gradually with time, I have began to dread my in laws coming over. Which was a new thing as I enjoyed seeing them before. Maybe that it was so constant and I felt that we were not getting our own family time or maybe I got sick and tired of them constantly comparing our daughter to her fathers side of the family or maybe when she started crying in someone else’s arms amy MIL or SIL always raced to console her first, rendering me useless... I know none of this is done maliciously and they love her so much but I just feel I don’t get a chance to be a mother when they are around (if that makes sense lol).
Although the weekday visits are less regular, the weekends are a bit of an issue with visits on Friday and Saturday and an invite to Sunday lunch at their house. The weekends that my husband is working, they may or may not visit. I have actually now started to, regretfully, become relieved when I know my husband is working a weekend as it feels like the only way of a break.
Although they would normally text/call to let us know they are coming to visit, it’s almost exclusively through my husband (to which he will, of course, agree). There has been a few times of them showing up unexpectedly- like tonight..showing up at around baby’s bedtime and delaying it..which I’m sure sounds so silly but bedtime is already a battle (she is breast fed only and refuses bottle feeding so only I can put her down to sleep) and takes sometimes 2 hours. I’m a huge sucker for routine and really hate disrupting it!
I suppose the biggest thing for me is that I miss my husband..and the closeness we had at the start...I know a new baby can make a relationship a bit difficult, but on top of that as he has been so busy with work and revision that we just have had no real time to ourselves. I feel sorry for him for not being around as much and feel sorry that out small family of 3 isn’t getting the quality time it deserves. Since finishing his exam (6 days ago) in laws have already been around 4 times, the only times that he hadn’t been at work and the only times that we could have spent as a family.
As I said (pages and pages ago lol) my in laws are lovely people that just want to see their granddaughter. I want them to be a part of her life and they are important- I realise that. But I just want them to realise that we need our family time too. This really have been bothering me so much to the point that I get anxiety just thinking about it. It’s really taking away enjoyment from my precious time with my daughter. I get so angry sometimes and take it out on my poor husband. I’ve cried several times and have been caught by my husband and have lied to him telling him its tiredness. I don’t know how to tell him without offending him or causing a row. We have been rowing more and maybe coz I’m keeping so much from him and I would not have done that before. I realise this may sound silly but I feel that it’s really affecting my relationship with him and don’t want anything to happen to our marriage. I’m sitting upstairs putting out daughter to sleep and typing this out while crying and he is downstairs watching TV...we have become so distant and it probably is my fault...and my feelings towards my in laws that I wish would just go away.
Ahhh no one is gonna read this anyway lol but if you got to the end well done lol I’m probably being the bigggest most selfish unreasonable person in the planet but any advice would be much appreciated. Thank you so much.