Feeling numb

[ThePersonOfTheHouse]

I don’t know where to start. Sorry if this doesn’t make sense. My head is just a mess. Posting here as I have no one and need to tell someone even if nobody listens.

Some back story - when we first got together he admitted to me that he used to have a porn addiction but that he was over it. I believed him as we were really happy in every other way and I always like to think the best of people.

Of course it didn’t last and at various points over our 10 year marriage - mostly since our DC was born 5 years ago - I’ve discovered he’s using porn again. I know that’s not an issue for some people but he knew from the start that I absolutely hate it and that it’s a red line for me. Every time I caught him at it he would promise he wouldn’t do it again and I somehow let it go as what was I meant to do? Our DC worships him and he is a great dad. Every time I would want to believe he wouldn’t do it again - I think he did as well.

I felt more angry for our child and all the other people in our life who think he’s such a great person - he’s highly respected in our community and the hypocrisy infuriated me as well as all the ethical issues I have with porn.

Anyway, forward to today and I was looking for a video our DC wanted to watch on the iPad and saw all these porn site addresses. I clicked on his history and it was worse than it’s ever been - loads and loads of addresses some with really awful names like “teenfidelity” - what??? (He promised me he wasn’t interested in young girls - don’t even know if they are real teens or just young-looking women as scared to click on any of the links) and he also appeared to have been setting up a new (secret?) email address.

Somehow I got through the evening without him realising I was upset but then he went to bed early tonight so I got the iPad out again to investigate further - thought I might as well know how bad it was.

It’s worse than I imagined. He has set up a profile on a hookup site - it’s got his photo on and everything. I never ever thought he would do that. I think the profile is new - don’t know if he intends to chat, do webcam stuff or actually meet women? I don’t know. I think there might be profiles on other sites as well.

I’ve been sitting here shaking. I don’t know what to do. I need to go to bed but how can I sleep beside him. We are meant to be going on a day out with our child tomorrow. I don’t know what to do.

Don’t know what I expect to get out of posting here except that there isn’t a single person in the world I can talk to in real life and I’ve never felt so alone. Even if no-one answers, I just needed to tell someone as I just feel lost.

So sorry to hear of your situation.

I don't have any experience with this issue but looking from the outside in on what you have said...

After such a long time and for him to do this so much over the years despite you being (it seems) VERY clear on your feelings on the matter I would view it as deceipt as bad as any other. He could explain this is an addiction etc and I'm sure he will when confronted and will play the "woe is me, I've got an issue and was too scared to admit it" but he has known this is a dealbreaker for you and has made a choice to do it rather than ask for help (if it truly is an addiction) or confide in you that he was struggling. He has deceived you time and time again.

Secondly, maybe think about this imagining yourself on that first date. If you had known then what you know now, would you have dated him? If not, are you prepared to lower your standards and compromise your values now?

I would find it difficult to believe any promises that he won't do it again.

Personally I don't have an issue with porn, but respect that others do and, maybe I'm just cynical, but I find it hard to imagine that a man who is a self confessed former addict would ever really be able to give it up all together.

The lying would be the deal breaker for me.

Have a cup of hot, sweet tea as it's good for shock. I'm sorry you're feeling like this. You have boundaries and your husband is disrespecting them and trampling all over them. He is still into porn and he is on hook up sites.

Unless you are happy to be in an open relationship where he uses hook up site and carries on in his porn addiction, then you know what to do. I'm so sorry.

I’m so sorry. You don’t have to decide what to do straight away. But screenshot the links and email them to yourself. If you confront him he will delete them and deny or say you’re exaggerating.

Thanks. That is not easy to read but I kind of know you are right.

The porn thing, I hated it but I was resigned to it - I thought of it like another addiction like alcoholism, and where things are fine when the person is on the wagon. As things were usually ok it was a price to pay for not destabilising our child's life, and sadly I had pretty much stopped being shocked by it.

But the hookup sites - the profiles - that's just another level. It feels really different, like a rubicon has been crossed, although maybe I'm naive to be so shocked.

I guess I'm naive but I never thought he would do that. If you ever met him or knew how well-respected he is - he's the last person you'd ever suspect of that. It would cause so much fall-out and heartbreak if it ever came to light - and our child worships him.

If someone had told me 12 years ago that I would ever end up in this situation I would never have believed you. If you met me I promise I'm the last person you would imagine putting up with that sort of behaviour. I know what I would say to a friend if she was in this situation. But it doesn't seem so simple when it's me in the middle of it.

Thanks so much for reading and replying. My head is still a mess but just getting a couple of replies has made me feel less alone.

Oh OP, do have that cup of tea.
I think porn is pretty usual, although it is fine to have a boundary in your relationship which says it isn't.
Hook up sites are a totally different issue and I don't know anyone who would be fine with their DH using them.
You have every right to feel very upset.

OP, I am very sorry for your pain. Your husband has disregarded your boundaries for years and you have swallowed your despair. He is confident that you will never leave.

Now he has betrayed you with his hook-up profiles. This is an act of infidelity. He is cheating or planning to cheat.

Your husband is not a good father. A good father is a man of integrity who treats his wife (and in turn his child) with respect. This man is a liar and cheat who is choosing to sabotage his marriage and family by seeking illicit sex. What a terrible role model he is for his son. Is this the relationship model that you want for him?

I would confront your H and insist that he leave.