Need to Leave but Afraid

[JEA2014]

Feel like I need some advice as I'm at the stage now where I'm not telling friends or family anymore.

Been with my partner 15 years now, have a 5 year child. From really very early on in the relationship we would argue very often. Over the silliest of things, and I feel I have to tread on eggshells with him. We have broken up a few times over the years and got back together. Had our child which he wanted desperately and very soon after his birth the issues started again. He earns alot more than me and I felt would be quite controlling money wise which I found especially difficult whilst I was off on maternity leave. I left again with my son at 2years old and we lived separately for 9mths. I was in a good position as I got to stay in our home as it was an interest only mortgage which I could afford myself. We got counselling and it worked absolute wonders for us. For about a year or relationship was as I could only describe as perfect. We got on great and any time we had a little disagreement it was squashed and over with in no time. However after about a year the arguments would begin again. He is an extremely unreasonable person and its his way or no way. When we would argue he would call me names I detest like a "horrible c**t' and all the rest.
A big issue of mine is that when he calls me these names I cant cope with it and I've hit out at him, but he would react and always with alot more force and pulling me about the house by the hair. After counselling I swore I would never be the one to lift my hand; which I didnt for a long time. And il admit the violence only started when I would punch out at him.
We were due to go on a family holiday last week together, were out together for a night out and my son was staying at my parents. When we got home he turned on me for no reason and started the name calling again. I reacted like I did before and it ended very badly. I ended up with a black eye busted nose and busted mouth and very bad bruising to my face. I couldn't get out of the house and called the police. He spent the night in a police cell and me in hospital.
I had to take my son on holiday myself as my partner now has bail conditions and cant make contact with me.
I just feel now things have gone from bad to worse and we really need to separate but just dont want to go through that all again or put my son through it again.
I'm really struggling as I can admit that I know the violence wouldn't have happened if I hadn't lashed out first, but I just cant cope with the emotional abuse and name calling and ofcourse know I am to blame also for everything that happened. I just dont know what to do now or where to turn as we have just taken on a new house that needs a full renovation and I cant afford now to rent somewhere. And dont know if we should try again. We did go back to counselling a few months ago but he cut it short as he had enough.
As I said I cant talk to friends or family anymore as I know they all feel we just need to split.

You need to split!

This is an abusive relationship. You obviously love your child...is this the future you want for him? Walking on eggshells, seeing his mother battered, verbally abused, dragged around the house by her hair?
Of course it isn't.
Put yourself and your child first.
You will survive. You will thrive. You will move on. And you will regain your self respect.
I bet it's currently in absolute tatters.

of course you should not try again

Do the Freedom Programme and speak to Women's Aid

And fgs never ever do joint counselling with an abuser.

It's very common in abusive relationships for the victim to kick off because of the cycle of abuse. 'Walking on eggshells' is tension and you know that there will be violence, so, unable to stand the tension you kick off and the inevitable happens. A 'honeymoon' period may happen which is what you are trying to get to and then the tension starts up again.

Your partner knows you will kick off if he calls you names so he uses that as an excuse so he can beat the crap out of you. This will escalate and I believe he was very into you having a child because abusers have more control when you have children.

You should not be having counselling with an abusive partner. You have a child and your first priority is your child. Your child needs to be out of this very damaging atmosphere. I can't imagine how terrified he is of all the arguing and violence.

I understand from what you've posted and the fact that you were in counselling with this person a few months ago, that you want to remain together but unfortunately that can't happen because of the effect it will have on your child. If you want to remain in a relationship with him, then, in order to protect your child, please find someone else he can stay with such as a close relative. In that way he isn't further damaged by the abuse he is witnessing.

Physical abuse doesn't just happen in a relationship, it's a gradual process and there will be other forms of abuse such as coercive control, financial abuse, snide comments etc etc and your young child is absorbing all this. He will also be stepping on eggshells in order not to 'set daddy off'. He is learning how to speak to and treat women and how to behave in a relationship by observing you and your partner's relationship.

No one wants that for their child.

Please contact the CABx or Women's Aid in order to get advice on how to move forward. Get some counselling in order to get some support during this difficult time.

This relationship is not going to get better. This man is not going to change. This is it. His behaviour is escalating and you are at a lot of risk so please get a safety plan together with the help of a DV org.

When the house is still and quiet what do you sit and hope for?
Small steps forward. Really sit and think what small step can I take to move forward and be on my own. Every little move forward will become great strides.
You are worried financially and emotionally how you can live without this man. A plan is what you need, a realistic plan. Then speak to your loved ones and they can then support you making your plan move forward.
You have done it before you can do it again.
You must leave him for yours and your sons sake.

Thanks for taking the time to reply. His family know about what has happened and they say I'm just as bad as he is because I lifted my hand first. I know I shouldn't and it's not the person I am. They seen the photos of my face and he told them it was in self defence, that he didnt punch me, which he didnt, he was holding down on my face so tightly with his fingernails and as I said pulling me about by the hair and I think my face got hit by the radiator, so they feel its not so bad because he didnt physically punch me like it looked by my injuries. My son has never witnessed any of these episodes and his dad is a doting dad to him. I know though our relationship just isnt right, I just cant bear for my son to have to go between two homes and it breaks my heart as all he asks me for us a brother or a sister. It's just so scary the thoughts of starting out all over again. X

You're not listening. You cannot stay in this relationship because it's dangerous. Your partner's behaviour is escalating. That means, that it is going to get worse and worse. He may very well end up killing you.

Your son may not have witnessed the physical violence but if you are 'walking on eggshells' then so is he. Abuse isn't just about violence but other forms of abuse such as emotional abuse.

I don't understand why you expect his family to side against him. Nor what you expect from that. Do you think they are going to slap him on the wrist and he'll stop?

You need to contact a domestic abuse organisation and organise an exit plan from this man. You are not safe with this man and neither is your child.

He put you in hospital. He does not love you. He will continue to abuse you and his behaviour will get worse. Please work out a way of getting away from him safely. You must protect your son from this man and this damaging relationship.

Thank you I appreciate your reply.
You are right, I dont know why his families opinion on it all matters so much to me, maybe yes as you say, thinking they will talk him into seeing sense. I feel like I'm being that typical victim and making excuses for him; but when I read other peoples stories it comes across as though it's always all bad; but we have alot of very good times, and he does show alot of love to me too especially around my son who in turn is very loving and affectionate. The situations of violence have maybe been 8 times or so over 15 years but I know it's still 8 too many, and again he has never lifted his hand first it has been me thumping him in sheer frustration that he let's a disagreement go into name calling etc. But I feel from these replies I will enquire about Womens Aid and see if it gives me any strength as I know it just cant go on. X

Your son will beat the mother of your grandchildren if you don’t get him out of this situation. Do you want that ?

Sweetheart, I know how hard it is and thank you for taking this seriously. I understand how frightened you are and how worried you are for the future. When you are wondering if you are doing the right thing, please think of that little boy and how this is affecting him. Please do it for him.

You are so strong to have asked for help and to have come this far. You have reached out and you have listened to advice given with the best of intentions. You are doing the right thing.

Please don't underestimate this man because I am telling you that you do not know him or what he may be capable of. You must speak to a domestic violence organisation and you must work on a safety plan and you must stick to that plan. Please take this very seriously.

You must not tell your partner of any plans you may have. Please phone Women's Aid now they are a 24 hour service and they will take you very seriously.

You can do this. There is support out there and there is a way through this. One step at a time. 0808 2000 247

I am here if you need support and can give advice. I am a trained DV adviser. Please take that first step.

He verbally abused you first until you were cornered

He has been bailed so it was bad enough to be charged and you were in hospital. That is not self defence

SS involved?

You've reached that point where you're going to have to be honest and tell people.

If you don't want to get in to the nitty gritty tell them that it may seem out of the blue (it won't but they'll be too polite to say) but you've thought long and hard and you are leaving him. Tell them you're not ready to talk about it yet but you need their help leaving.

Leaving is the right thing to do. I left an abusive man and it was very hard. The run up to it, planning it, it was one of the most difficult things I've got through really, but it was worth it. Get your life back.

If your partner murders you one day (and one mis-placed punch could do it), then your son will be in care, with strangers, because mummy will be dead and daddy will be doing life. I know this sounds melodramatic, but women are murdered by their partners every week. Dont be one of them.

Thank you I really appreciate it. X

HIs family will not give you their blessing for having left their son.

But you have to TRY and just take a deep breath and ''allow'' them to think what they're going to think, and disconnect from that obligation to do what they want you to do.

You weren't happy in the relationship. That's all that needs to be said.

I got drawn in to why I left, seeking their approval. I felt the same as you OP, I wanted them to understand why I left and to say ''ah sure you'd no choice''. Obviously that didn't happen.

I shouldn't have been drawn in to that. I should have just repeatedly said that I wasn't happy.

Time has a way of restoring your reputation. All of the vile accusations his family slung at me when I left and what have I done, got a job, learnt to drive, parented my children, well, made some friends, got a secure place to live. As time goes by, his mother's accusations seem all the more ridiculous. So just let time pass op.

If they decide to give all of your words and actions the most negative interpretation possible, don't race in to try and set them straight. They'll just twist everthing. They'll love the drama. Let them think what they're going to think, sit with that discomfort and it will be good training for recalibrating from a people pleaser to a person with some boundaries.

Good luck to you. Feel the fear and do it anyway

@TiggersLikeToBounce
Thank you that is a very helpful way to look at things xx

@BetLynchWhatCanIGetYouPet
Thank you for that 😘
I'm glad your on the other side of it now xx

I spent ten years with that. I kicked him out as the kids were affected and I’d rather kill me and the kids that stay. You have a child they come first their life their future. Children who they are as adults it what they see hear and feel growing up, brains are like hard drives the input is the life our parents give us. Either leave or get him out today now. Show your son s life with people tearing each other with respect

Arguing is one thing but name-calling is abusive.
So he has abused you first.
Ok, you have reacted badly and hit out. I won't minimise that as any violence is wrong.
But at that point, he had a choice. To walk away. To talk.
No, he attacked you so badly you ended up in hospital (and whether that's with his fist isn't the point here, you were damaged by his action.)

I can't say whether he's deliberately provoking you by the name-calling, (knowing it triggers you, so it can escalate into a physical fight and he can try to justify it by saying you hit out first ) or if it's just a really dysfuntional relationship.

Being a grown-up (what you are now, being responsible for another life) is about understanding that you do need to make a decision based on what is right, not necessarily on your emotions (i.e. upheaval, the future, still having feelings for someone).

And this is not right.
It will happen again. One day your child will witness it. One day you may end up dead and him in prison. What would that do to your child?

OP. He taunts you till you lash out then he delights in taking this as permission to badly beat you. He does this because he wants to.

I think my face got hit by the radiator

If your best friend told you this what would you say?

Because I'm saying "Oh the radiator undid it's fixing screws, jumped off it's hinges and punched you?"

What you mean is "He swung my face against the radiator". That's it. You don't have to make a moral argument like "by accident" or "on purpose". Because you don't know that, only he does. Only he knew what he meant to do when he sent your face into collision with the radiator, leaving you in hospital.

You can leave, and you can thrive.

What help can you get, TODAY, to start making an exit plan? What friends/family can you call on, even if he's isolated you for years? (I have family I haven't heard from in decades but you can bet if they contacted me today for help I'd be bang on it.)

I know 😓 your very right in that if it were someone else I would be seeing it very differently. I think he just makes so much of a song and dance about how much he does for us and how much our family unit means to him that it's so hard to understand how he can do any of this on purpose. His sister had also said are you sure you didnt just fall and hit it off it which made me start to doubt what actually happened. But again you are right, in that whether he meant it or not, his actions still made me hit it.
It has definitely give me alot more strength from I posted last night and I know I do need to make serious plans now.
I know if I have alot of support if I need it, I'm just that person that strives for perfection, I get up, show up, have the face on; present myself and child as best I can, try to have control where I can, but I just dont have control where my bad relationship is concerned and I'm mortified for all those close to me to know what's really gone on.
But again thank you for your kind advice x