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Original poster

How do you decide?

10 replies

Torres10 · 01/11/2019 17:54

Just that really, I have a pretty charmed existence

  • 2 great kids (pre-teen, so hormonal, but overall al good)
  • a fab job
  • good friends
  • a husband who is a great dad and devoted to us
But I don't fancy him any more, and he is eminently fanciable, the feelings have just gotten up and walked away and I am not sure how to get them back 😢. I am 48 and aware I probably will never meet anyone else either, but I can't pretend to feel something I don't..I feel so helpless and stuck. How do people make these decisions when there is so much at stake and so many people are impacted?
OP posts:
lexiepuppy · 01/11/2019 23:13

You could try counselling.

or looking at wedding photos and holiday pics to see if you get loving feelings come back.

You are not too old at 48 to start again, plenty of people do it, if that is the route you choose!

Have you been on any date nights with hubby?

Singlenotsingle · 01/11/2019 23:15

How would you feel if he said he didn't fancy you any more and wanted to end the marriage?

Interestedwoman · 01/11/2019 23:16

'I am 48 and aware I probably will never meet anyone else either'

Nah, loads of people start again in their 40s and older nowadays. That's no age. xx

'But I don't fancy him any more, and he is eminently fanciable, the feelings have just gotten up and walked away and I am not sure how to get them back'

What do you think has caused the feelings to go? What's been happening?

KirstyHasLeft · 01/11/2019 23:18

I find what helps is - realising that you can absolutely leave your husband. That it is a very real possibility. Imagine that you can literally walk out tomorrow if you so choose.
And then think - is that what you really really want?
Either way - if you can - try and get that spark back with your husband. Really put some effort - dates, holidays, anything. Then, if you do leave him, you would know that you really have tried to save the marriage and nothing else could be done.

bionicnemonic · 01/11/2019 23:29

Do you fancy anyone? Or is it that the lust has gone? If that then perhaps look to your hormones. Testosterone in particular

Original poster
Torres10 · 02/11/2019 11:44

Thank you for your replies. I have started counselling on my own, to be honest in the beginning I just thought I was menopausal and needed to give my head a wobble! As the weeks have progressed however, despite efforts to do things together, meals, hobbies etc, I just feel more and more removed.
weighing up the pros and cons just has me thinking that I need to man up and work harder at my marriage but it feels like there is this huge block in me just saying no, no no and I am not sure how to overcome that inner resistance?!
Re the question about general lust, I has pretty much convinced myself it was a general thing, until a new guy started at work (young, married and unavailable I would like to clarify!!) ..but the feelings it generated in me, made me think it's not such a general thing after all!

OP posts:
Original poster
Torres10 · 02/11/2019 11:54

If he told me he didn't fancy me and wanted to end the marriage, my first reaction is relief I think, then I would be scared for the future, being alone, the fallout etc etc...
Sex has been off the agenda for the last couple of months, I have not been interested in him at all, that said he has never had a particularly high drive and he shows no interest in any kind of intimacy, as in non sexual hugs or kisses, and I think it's that which has caused most of our issues. I want to feel cherished and although I know he loves me in his way, I feel short changed does that make sense. My counsellor said I should ask him to be more demonstrative, but that sort of defeats the issue of him wanting to be iyswim!

OP posts:
KirstyHasLeft · 02/11/2019 12:11

@Torres10 It is usually the case.. You fall for someone else and it is so damn hard to even want to work on your existing relationship..

Maybe talk to your husband - don't mention the OM but say that you not entirely happy how things are and something needs to change. He might wake up. Or not. But then you will know.
It kind of happened to me. Got that bad that I told my DH and he literally changed overnight. Where I had no strength or will to work on our relationships because of the same block you now are having, my DH did. And it is sort of slowly getting better.

Thingsdogetbetter · 02/11/2019 12:17

If it is menopause then all the effort in the world isn't going to change your feelings! Go to gp and get your hormones tested. It's a small thing to do before making the huge step of leaving. Have you spoken to him about how his lack of affection makes you feel emotionally? Asking for affection does not have to lead to sex, but can lead to a better emotional connection.

Original poster
Torres10 · 02/11/2019 12:31

I am now on HRT, as of 2 months ago, part of my efforts to fix myself, and it certainly my desire has Increased, it just seems to mean I am lusting after younger fitter unobtainable men, not really what I intended!!
interesting to know fronting it has helped you Kirsty, I guess that's my next step, though, I am worried that even if he steps up now, it may be flogging a dead horse. Maybe it depends on if the spark can be relit?

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