I don't know what I am looking for really.
I have never done this before - I am just feeling totally lost I think.
Last year myself and me husband separated, we had a 6 year old boy at the time and it was a tough and challenging time. I put my energy in to my career and my son and got on with things - he moved out, contact never stopped and I gave him free access anytime he wanted to to see his son. So he was around probably twice a week. He never really left me alone but sex was off the table. At the time of our separation he meet someone online and they had sex on 3 occasions. He started to build an emotional connection of some sort with her - but still decided to end it and wanted to come back to give the marriage a go. I did not know about the emotional connection - only the sex.
I got him to get a sexual health check before I would sleep with him again (just my way).
Anyway, he obviously did not conclude whatever this was with this other woman and that I believe has stopped him from properly working on our marriage (I was unaware of this). Before his return I told him to leave me alone, then gave him the ultimatum its all or nothing, if you want me you want me, and he chose to come back.
Fast forward to May and I feel pregnant with our second child, we had been through a tough time in the past few years having lost our last baby. So this was an emotional and scary time for me (I am currently 6 months pregnant) for the first 2 months I didn't know I was pregnant, I just thought I was dying! I was crazy busy at work and had some really long days as well as projects outside of work, but was also very sick 3-4 times per day, so come the evening i was exhausted and I did not want sex at all - so we did not do anything for over 3 months. I had booked to see the doctor as I was very worried something was very wrong with me.
In April the woman that he slept with last year contacted him asking for advice and apologized for contacting him, but she'd been on a bad date and was feeling low etc - he chose not to cut contact and again was a form of shoulder to cry on (all over text not in person) that she needed to pick herself up etc and try again - I don't know the specifics of these conversations - if he told her she was beautiful etc but I believe that that's the sort of thing she was probably wanting to get out of the contact.
Then this contact continued a couple of texts here and there for the next couple of months. In July I found out I was pregnant, my OH told this woman on one of their exchanges so she was aware of this fact. At this point the contact changed direction, she asked him if he was 'getting any' at home (and he wasn't) and she offered herself on a plate to him - using their previous encounters as a point of reference. Told him really explicit and dirty things and said that she could do it better then me - he could do her harder then me (his pregnant wife) - he should have cut contact again I know this - but he didn't and he engaged in several sex texts with her. The next day he felt guilty and she would say to him 'we can't do this' 'it;s not right' etc but she would continue to do it anyway - like a piece of forbidden fruit. It really hurts to think about. She told him that it's not normal to not want sex when pregnant and she would never leave him high and dry like I have.
He started to grow distant from me by the week, they started texting daily (again I was completely unaware) I knew something was not right but I didn't exactly know what. You see, my husband is a compulsive gambler and we have had issues with this for years (long complicated and soul destroying history) I knew he had gambled and he needs more therapy to help sort his head out again and get him into a stronger position, he needed to return to GA etc- lots of things to do - The pregnancy was a surprise to both of us as previously we spent 4 years trying and then had our miscarriage and then another year trying before giving up. But I think he got scared and worried and started gambling again.
He grew more and more distant and I have seen the interactions between them now (when it all came out this weekend, I think I was just torturing myself) I have been an emotional wreck. She put soo much doubt in his head, she would text and ask him how his day has been and when we had had a good family day he would say yes it's been a lovely family day' she would then go quiet for a day or change the conversation or worse, start bringing up bad points in our history to I think continue to plant doubt. She told him that her friends had told her that they would make a great couple etc, that I am not normal and its always going to be difficult with me etc. I know these are not excuses and my husband should have stayed away - I wish he had last year and just got it completely out of his system or moved on to someone else - but he didn't. He started to doubt our relationship. I feel like I never stood a chance (I did not realise I was in competition!) I just couldn't understand why the affection had stopped, why the care had started to ebb away and why when we were intimate the connection felt broken - I thought that he was depressed with financial issues and gambling.
She kept speaking to him and for him over text 'we both know this' etc - this makes my blood boil. He maintains to me that he never had sex with her. I think he genuinely felt sorry for her, she had told him about how low she was and that she was a single mum (the irony) and that she had been an abusive relationship in the past and he told me she had had it tough. He said he told her on a few occasions that he needed to cut contact but he never did this properly and the contact soon started up again. Before long they were having conversations about what if they were together - She told him she was pissed off he had got me pregnant.
Unfortunately her mum died recently and she lent on my husband for emotional support through this too. He has always been empathetic. He went round to see her and drop of a card, he still maintains that nothing happened between them - except a cuddle to comfort her (no sexual contact and no kissing) he said he knew the sexting was bad but I don't think he considered this as cheating (I do) but he believed that anything more than that was a bridge to far and he knew our marriage would be over.
I think it still may be soon, I am not sure I can get over it.
I found out about all of this on Monday night, after he had gambled and called me after work saying his head is all over the place he doesn't know what to do and he feels like throwing himself off a bridge. I told him to come home it's only money and we will figure it out. He then called her and told her that he had gambled needed to cut contact, sort his head out and that communication would stop. At this point she told him that he needed to tell me about them and their communications that night.
My OH told her that it's not a good idea as I am pregnant (high risk pregnancy) and have been told to avoid stress because of my risk of pre-eclampsia - she told him well is she is already stressed more stress wont hurt - honesty is the best policy etc. She had made him believe that he know it was not her intention to come between us or break up our marriage - how could he believe this! What was her intention by pursuing and sexting my husband?!?
He told me I was torn apart, struggled to handle it and have spent the whole week breaking down over and over again. He was numb for the first day, he wasn't in a mental place to answer questions or understand the upset caused. We spoke a lot, he was still messaging her when I was asking for specific details and dates and she was only to willing to supply these upon my request through him - I believe she was willing me to throw him out.
Wednesday his attitude changed and for the first time in over a year he broke down and felt something, he cried like I have never seen in our 10 years together he sobbed grabbed my face, shaking and saying 'I am so sorry' 'What have I done' 'I've been such an idiot' I don't want to lose you' It's the first time I felt connected to him in a long time.
It's so confusing because I love my husband so much. But he has really betrayed me.
He has cut contact with this woman, I do not think she is done with him though but he has promised me access to his phone whenever I want it as well as agreeing to marriage counselling to work on things. He wants to be in our family and concentrate on our sons and getting ready for the new arrival etc.
He said when he compares us, there is no competition and it's always me. I don't know what this was as they definitely had an emotional connection - I am so conflicted.
Has anyone been here before -do we stand a chance? Am I soo blinded by love that I am being a complete fool.
I need his financial support for the next year so I can take maternity leave and he knows this. I am not entitled to much help if we separate and would have to move house and uproot my son and I am looking around£1800.00 per month whilst on maternity leave which I simply cannot make up even with cutting back and getting help from the government if I am even entitled (I have worked hard and have a great job that pays well) so It's going to be a shock when I go on stat mat pay! I want my children to have their father around, like a family - I just don't know if this is possible anymore.
I am awaiting a call back from a marriage counselor this morning to book in an appointment - is it worth even trying to forgive and fix things?
Just please help me - someone - what the hell do I do - Can we recover - How do I stop my heart hurting? The pregnancy hormones no doubt are not helping my mood out much. How could he do this to me/us?