What to do when someone just really doesn't like you?

[Swimminguphill]

Hi everyone,

I'm wondering if anyone can give me some sage advice. There's a mum at school who really doesn't like me. We have a lot of friends in common and do different activities with a common social group. I knew she wasn't super keen on me (avoiding talking to me in a group, getting argumentative when drunk, once physically recoiling when I went in to give her a hello kiss as I was with other people in the group) and tried to keep things civil - e.g. still smiling, inviting her to things (she never accepted) etc.

Last year I was feeling quite vulnerable for a few reasons and I had just had enough, so I cut out the friendly gestures and I guess let her know just through the briefest of smiles rather than going up and greeting her etc. that I know she doesn't like me and I'm not going to pretend we're great friends. It was empowering but now it's getting awkward. I think maybe some others are aware (or am I just hypersensitive?). It's just not possible to completely avoid her (e.g. last night her kid got lost during trick or treating and the group I was with found her and waited with her until her mum came around - I was actually trying to think of ways to avoid her in this scenario which is ridiculous and childish) and I actually feel physically sick if I think I'm going to come into contact with her - which is often.

What would you do? Is there anything I can do? I have thought about stepping back from some activities we do together, we do try to avoid attending at the same time anyway but I still feel a kind of dread. How can I get this monkey off my back? Give me a straight up talking to - I feel like I need it!

In the kindest way, grow up. Youve already dealt with the problem, so stop trying to drag it out, turn it into a drama, and drag others into it. Focus on your children and the people you do get on with. Maybe get a new hobby if you have too much time on your hands.

I don’t have any advice but wanted to offer sympathy. I’m in exactly the same boat. My one sent me a nasty unprovoked text message too! I’ve done nothing apart from be friendly and polite to her. I have zero idea how to handle it.

funnylittlefloozie your post made me laugh out loud! I'm really, really busy. I have like 100 things I should be doing, many of which will earn me money (freelancer) rather than obsess over this but your comment feels like the kind of slap in the face I really need.

nomoreclue I sometimes wonder if I just have a stupid need to be liked? I have even considered therapy but it's really expensive and I would totally resent spending money as a result of this person!

Well, I wouldn’t go giving strangers friendly kisses. That would make me feel very uncomfortable and I’d avoid you thereafter if you did that to me.

You're already doing what you can - minimising contact and being polite when contact is unavoidable. Beyond that the only thing to do is focus on understanding and strengthening your boundaries so that it bothers you less.

It is horrible when someone takes against you for seemingly no reason, and it's totally normal to want people to like you, but try your best to shrug it off. What she thinks of you really doesn't matter at all

You can’t make people like you and, if you have other friends and are generally quite popular, it’s most likely that the reason she dislikes you is to do with her rather than you. It could be anything, but since you’ve already tried to broach it with her and gotten nowhere, it’s clear she isn’t interested.

Just leave it. When you see her in a group, exchange a polite smile and greeting when you arrive and then position yourself so you don’t have to talk to or sit next to each other for the rest of the event. You don’t need to make it obvious that you’re avoiding her, just focus on the others you do like and since she doesn’t want to talk to you anyway she’ll probably do the same. It’s pretty easy in a group activity to often end up not managing to chat to everyone you actually do like let alone those you don’t. Nobody will notice.

Whatisthisfuckery the funny thing about it is that she is actually from a country where everyone kisses everyone all the time! You don't even have to like the person, it's just a standard greeting. So it was pretty pointed. Also, not a stranger. As mentioned, we had known each other about 3 years by this point. But I promise to never, ever go up to a stranger and give them a random kiss.

I think you have to get over the sense of it being awkward. I have a big social circle and naturally, like some people more than others and some people I simply just tolerate because they’re friends of friends and in the group, and they feel the same way about me. When it’s a mutual thing it’s actually much easier and not awkward at all because neither of us is desperately wondering why the other is unfriendly and trying to change it.

Honestly, I’d recoil too if someone tried to give me a hello kiss!

Comtesse I think you are totally right. It is only awkward because I feel awkward. I need to work on giving less of a fuck. So helpful, thanks!

Ok guys, got the point re. kissing someone in British culture (person in question not British though). But to be fair, I quite often go in for a handshake and get a hug or for a hug and get a kiss. I don't mind. I generally don't recoil. I just think hmm interesting.

I sympathise OP. It's horrible when someone in your friendship group appears to actively dislike you for no reason.

It sounds like you've been handling it well and doing the right thing. I'd keep in doing what you are doing but dial up the indifference. Try to mentally work on not letting it get to you: this is the difficult part. We all want to be liked generally.

I expect she's being like this because of her own insecurities and not anything you've done. Who knows you both may end up being good friends one day, strange how things can work out. Be yourself always.

After learning and accepting that some people will just dislike you, reasons or not, and that it's very normal even within groups of friends, it became easier for me to deal with it. But the thing is, is that I have some emotional issues which even when I'm at my very best and most healthy, will still cause me anxiety over having to see people who dislike me in this way. I don't have any advice, except that finding acceptance with this situation is important so that you don't do the social pick me dance (this is what I did for years until someone pointed out to me what I've said in this post, it was so mentally draining until I stopped giving it headspace)

I feel your pain. Someone in my life detests me and I'm still not sure why as everyone else thinks I'm amazing! 😆

OP, I think you sound very grown up and are handling this really well!

The other person is acting very immature by being so openly hostile and making things awkward for everybody, especially with no real reason too.

I'd be so tempted to call her out on it, privately of course. She may have confused you with someone else or think you've done something that you haven't... people are just weird sometimes.

But I'd have to know the reason!