Should I let it go?

[Alwayswondering99]

Hi, I’ve name changed for this.
A few years ago I noticed my partner seemed to be on a messaging app all of the time and it wasn’t to me. We lived together and it was during the day when we were at work. After a few months it just didn’t feel right so I looked at his phone when he was in the shower and realised he had been messaging other women. He had also been on dating apps which found out. I forgave him but really struggled with trust for a while randomly checking his phone when I could. He promised me that day he would never do it again and I didn’t find anything to suggest he wasn’t true to his word.

It’s been a few years now and I don’t have access to his phone anymore but I did stop checking it long before that as I realised If we were going to survive we needed to move on and trust each other again.

This morning however I was messing about on my phone and discovered through the App Store that he had actually started downloading the dating apps three years before I found all this out. (The app didn’t tell you download date before). Three years!! that’s 1/3 of our relationship.

I’m not sure what to do. I thought I had let it go but three years seems like such a huge betrayal and makes me feel sick. It makes you wonder what he could be up to because I don’t see what’s on his phone.

Do you have children with this man? If not, end it. You will never trust him again.

We have two children. We had one when I found out and I couldn’t bare to break up our family. That’s why I’m wondering if I should just let sleeping dogs lie. For all I know since I found him out a few years ago he has been true to his word.

I ended my marriage when I found out that my husband had been doing similar.

So that's my starting point.

You can end (or continue) your relationship at any time and for any reason. I also felt it was a huge betrayal and one that I knew I personally would never have been able to get past. We had two children too.

His mother called him a "fucking cunt" for doing it and, despite expecting pressure from mutual friends and family to work on the relationship, everyone supported me in ending it stating they'd have done the same.

1/3 of your relationship is an awfully long time - what would your decision have been at the time had you known?

And the bottom line is, you can't ever know what someone is doing in your relationship if they choose to conceal it. I had no idea and only discovered by a pure and genuine accident. I wouldn't even have suspected him of it.

I have a number of male friends who are married. Some I only ever see with their partners; some I see both partners independently of each other. I went out recently and met up with one of these men socially and, at the end of the evening, asked if he fancied going on elsewhere for a drink - completely innocently - I'd have done it with any of my friends.

He thanked me for the offer and said he'd love to but declined because he knew his wife wouldn't have been comfortable with it. I, obviously, accepted this. Would you trust your partner to respect your feelings in the same way?

Thanks I found that quite helpful. If I had known at the time it had been going on that long I would have definitely left him. Finding this info now after a few years and another child I just feel like I would rip my family apart.

Tempted just to grin and bear it, the sadness at what he did in the past only comes back now and again (at this time Of year when I found out). However if I find any proof he’s been doing it since I would leave. Feeling a bit lost at the moment.

I understand. The distance in time and another child does add to it.

That's the risk you take when you choose to forgive - he clearly wasn't honest with you and the truth has a way of coming out further down the line.

But then you feel you are making a different decision based on different facts.

After I kicked my husband out, I discovered he was having a affair with a woman at work too. And I was also one of those in the "he wouldnt have the time" camp. Seems you can do/say a lot in 5 hours of lunch breaks and 2 hours of commuting each day...

Anyway, I dont want to put thoughts in your head that might not be relevant. Your situation is not mine, after all!

I suppose I'd just want to caution you to not blindly trust someone who has already proven themselves not to be trustworthy.

And take care.