Drink and job- the downfall

[mildlymiffed]

Looking for a bit of a handhold and some advice.

Met a man- let's call him Bob- just over a year ago. I'd been separated from my ex for about 18 months. I'd been on a few online dates, not had any success, and then Bob contacts and we go on a date and hit it off.

A lot in common, similar circumstances with previous marriages, same aged children. Similar education and family set ups. All was going swimmingly.

Fast forward to now. Bob's had 3 jobs in the time I've known him. Been laid off from them all. Claims it's never his fault, but hard to see that that is true. He's hit the bottle- but quite secretive with it. Currently not working, with his (not young!) parents bailing him out. Sleeping all day. Generally lacking motivation for life. No hobbies. Watching a lot of shit TV. However, still claims that I'm the best thing in his life.

No talk of living together- to be frank I'm not interested given the current state of play. Really just see each other at weekends. When we speak during the week though it's terse, as I'm getting angry at his lack of motivation.

I said Bob should go to the docs as thought he was depressed. They've said he needs to change his "lifestyle", and sent him packing.

I've found him a careers coach- which he made initial contact with- but done no more...

I'm struggling to see what I'm getting out of this relationship. However, I've got a few qualms about just throwing in the towel. I keep on clinging to the fact that when it was good, it was really good. Loving and fun relationship... something that I've been missing for years. I also feel that I would be abandoning him when perhaps he needs me the most. But I'm not happy.

Do I hang on in there and hope for change? Or do I bail and cut my losses, and focus on me? (Lots going on in my world too- buying house, ds, new job).

Bit of a whistle stop overview there- but didn't want to go on too much...

Realise I don't say how long we've been together- just over a year...

I would think our should bail out. It sounds already like you are taking on the role of 'sorting him out'. Presume you don't want another child to look after and you have your own life to make good. I would exit, quickly. He sounds like a burden.

'You' not 'our' - sorry.

You will find another loving and fun relationship elsewhere

You can't help him because no one can. Believe me, as an ex-partner of an alcoholic I know this.

Sorry that you have this decision to make but I think deep down you know which choice to make.

Firstly I haven't been in your position so feel free to disregard this post if you want. From the outside....why are you in a relationship? Surely it should enhance your life. Especially at the stage of life you are; child, career, home etc You don't need a partner but you want a partner to make things better. What are you getting from this? If I were you I would dial back the relationship. You can still be a friend. You don't have to abandon this man. But it doesn't sound like he's in a good place to be a partner at the moment. And it doesn't seem to be benefiting you. I'm not saying that couples shouldn't stick together through thick and thin. But a year in is very early days and I don't think you are at that point yet.

Hmmm...I think he probably is just this kind of person and nothing will change that OP. At a minimum I would be having a serious chat and letting him know you are thinking of ending it to see if he can change. I imagine it would be pointless though but possibly worth the try?

3 jobs in a year, secret drinker.

What a catch.

I'd be wondering if this is why his marriage went south.

You need to let this fish go.

Run away as fast as you can.

His Mummy and Daddy are already bailing him out. You can’t help someone to help themselves if they don’t want to help themselves.

The honeymoon is over, the whole point of dating is to see if you are compatible and you currently aren’t and you have no influence over the comparability ever returning.

Wish him luck but bow out, there’s a very big difference between supporting someone and enabling them.

I keep on clinging to the fact that when it was good, it was really good.

That is exactly what DM said about her relationship with her alcoholic partner. In retrospect, she stayed with him a good five years longer than she should have, 15 years
in all. Leave now before you invest anymore time and emotion in this relationship.

Bob needs to start taking responsibility for his life. You can’t save him. Don’t let him move into your new house by stealth.

He's not your responsibility. He really isn't, yet you're already in the position where you feel he is. He put on an act long enough to draw you in.

Looking at it from the outside and from what you've told us, he doesn't even love his children enough to reduce his drinking, sort his life out, and start supporting them. I can't see that he's ever going to truly love and value you.

Try writing a list of what you would honestly like from a relationship, Kandahar your ideal partner would be like - their attitudes, actions, behaviours. Then look at how many of these he ticks. Remember to use the person he is now to do this, not how he was portraying himself at the beginning. It's often said here, but when someone is showing you who they are, believe them. (Not implying that he can't turn his life around should he wish to, but you have to base this on what he is now, not what he could be).

*Think what, not Kandahar!

You are all telling me what I need to hear. Sometimes you can become so entrenched in something that you don't know what to do. It's not that I'm silly- I'm just a hapless optimist banking on him changing. But- i am slowly realising that this isn't going to happen, and I need to leave.

Dump bob, you should’ve done so way, way before now!

I'm just a hapless optimist banking on him changing. also something DM said.

You’re only a year in. I’d walk away. This should still be the honeymoon period when you’re having a great time. He sounds like he would be hard work. No job and no motivation isn’t a great combination. How long would you be prepared to put up with that?

Put yourself and your kids first.

The chances are far far far higher that the initial him you fell for was his mask, and this him is the reality.

It's not just losing the jobs, it's compounded by none of it being his fault .

I was going to say the same thing as category12 - he's worn his mask successfully for a year, but now its slipping, and you're seeing the real Bob. The real Bob is a lazy alcoholic scrounger, dont get sucked in.

Sorry, I know it's easy for me to say because I've never met him. But you have to ditch Bob. For your good, for your DCs' good, and probably for Bob's good (the fewer enablers the better).

You are taking on the role of Mother and trying to fix him.
It’s not your job to rescue him.

Walk away. It can also be helpful to look at why you want to rescue him.

And yes you do need to leave starting now by also blocking his number and all ways of he contacting you.

Do not further become his enabler like his parents. Enabling someone like this only gives such people a false sense of control and does not help them or for that matter the alcoholic.

You have fallen for the "fantasy" bob; not the real man here. You invested in the fantasy bob. The real bob is an alcoholic and one also who has lost numerous jobs because of his alcoholism.

Do not further become his enabler because this will go one way for you and that is down. Such men also do not change.

Read about codependency in relationships too and see how much of this reflects your own behaviours re bob to date.