DP's lack of assertiveness is really starting to bother me

[aussieinoz]

Been with DP for about a year and a half, living together for 4 months, finances (largely) separate. A little more than 2 months ago, she decided to resign because she felt like she wasn't suited for the job she was doing. I supported her and we agreed to open a joint 'household expense' account for food/essentials so she wouldn't have to go into credit card debt.

I've always known she was the kind who would say 'yes' to salespeople but I didn't realise how bad it was till I saw the bill for the shared credit card! To give an example, last week, she stopped by Sephora to help me pick up my usual toner and some basic makeup for her, and she ended up with a bunch of bloody Drunk Elephant creams (which I feel are overpriced but that's another story) and 'sale items' we don't even use because the salesperson apparently put them in the basket!!! She also regularly comes home with leftover food because she can't seem to say 'no' whenever someone asks if she wants to upsize her drink or 'get a side with that'.

Sorry if I'm not as coherent as I'd like to be but some days I guess the compounding of the little things just seems to be too much.

What would you do if you were in my shoes?

I don’t think I’d be financially supporting someone who left a job because ‘she wasn’t suited to it’ without another one at hand, and who was unable to stick to a budget.

Have a sit down chat about finances and your differing attitudes to money.

It might be that sharing accounts won't work for you as a couple. She's a spender and you go through your statements in detail - there's going to be friction unless you take steps to remove it.

Is she job-hunting hard?

Odd situation to support another adult financially who isn’t sick disabled or SAHP?
Why are you both doing this ?

She's had 6 interviews since she resigned.

I'm not fully supporting her — the idea was that we were going to open a joint account anyway where we'd both put in money every month for household essentials like utilities, groceries etc. The only difference is that I'm currently the sole contributor to that account till she gets a job.

But the effect is the same, surely — you’re sharing finances with, and currently subsidising, someone voluntarily unemployed, who can’t or won’t budget?

Pretend she was contributing to it, if you're honest with yourself, would it still bug you that she spends out of it as she has done?

Shared finances are there to make things equal for everyone - not for one person to take the piss.

I definitely wouldn't be having a joint credit card with a girlfriend of 18 months who isn't even working

Are you happy to continue funding her?

It's very easy these days to spend much more than you thought when you're simply waving your card at a machine. Paying cash makes it a lot more solid. So I'd suggest that you suggest to her: give herself a weekly spends limit, draw that amount out in cash, and don't put anything on the card.

It's not ideal but I was alright with it because we both initially thought that it'd be for about 2-3 months max, plus with me only putting a fixed amount in every month (an amount which will decrease once she gets a job), I honestly thought it'd work out fine. Didn't expect that I'd be this bothered by this 'wasting money on food/things that we don't even want or need' issue as previously she was just 'wasting' her own money.

My mistake the card's a debit card not credit which is slightly better but now I'm having second thoughts about the whole thing!!

Stop putting your cash into a joint account and just give her an allowance out of whatever's left if you're happy to support her.

Personally I wouldn't be funding her because I think she's taking the piss, though.