Birth and partner's previous experiences

[Hejustdoesntgetit]

Sorry if this is better suited for pregnancy but feel it is a relationship issue.

I'm 8 months pregnant and am very anxious about giving birth. I didn't want children when I was younger as the idea of pregnancy and birth filled me with terror. Whilst I'm not that bad anymore I am still quite worried and cannot picture how labour will be.

My partner already has two children and consequently is feeling positive about me giving birth. He has told me about the birth of both children and I can't help but feel threatened by this. I have tried to explain I'm going through it for the first time and feel very anxious about it but for him he has already experienced twice before and with someone else. I feel quite lonely due to this and suspect people will think I'm being out of order but I can't help feeling that I'm going to be compared with how the ex did it and what happened during her labours. Perhaps I'm being ridiculous but I don't think he gets that at every opportunity that I raise a concern he counters with his knowledge of previous births. He feels I should listen to him and take comfort in his knowledge. When really I just feel isolated and more alone.

Hmm, that's a tricky one. Of course he wants to reassure you, however every woman's birth experience is different. I have had 3 and each one was different.

Of course you are going to be anxious. Have you been to any ante natal classes? That might help. Also you should sit him down and tell him how you feel, or perhaps show him this post.

Good luck with your pregnancy and birth. It may be easier or worse than you imagine, but when you get that gorgeous baby in your arms you probably won't give two hoots any more😍

It's the antenatal classes that has started this up really. I didn't know there is so much choice out there in relation to labour, birth and the placenta too. I am very much geared towards taking assistance from medical professionals as in my mind it's their job. He feels that letting things go naturally is better. Personally I would prefer an elective c-section but he would prefer me to have a vaginal birth so I agreed.

I just can't help but feel these experiences to me are completely new whereas for him it is a "been there, done that, got the tee shirt". I'm worried if something goes wrong he'll blame me and I'll have to hear how his previous ones went when I'm in my most vulnerable state.

It's not a spectator sport! It's your body and you're the only one that can give birth to the baby! It's great that he wants to be involved and I suspect is trying to be really positive but the birth is only the beginning of the process really. Have you spoken to your Midwife about your (perfectly understandable) anxieties and concerns about the birth? Remember what works best for you will also work best for the baby.

Lots of love and luck to you.

Are you confident he’s telling the truth about his knowledge? A lot of men think they know Everything about childbirth because they were in the same room as their partner - but in reality all of the research was completed by the mum giving birth.

I suggest you use the BRAINS acronym to risk assess an elective c-section vs a natural vs an induced labour. For example, an elective c-section is often better for your health long term than an assisted / induced labour / emergency c-section, but can result in more problems than an uncomplicated natural labour.

I've tried to weigh up the good and bad with the different labours/birthd (I will look at BRAIN). I'm petrified of having a stillborn and I just want to do what is right. But it seems no way is right. They all hold risks and also positives. It really is an overwhelming time and I need support to help me get through this. I don't feel supported, however, I feel that my concerns are dismissed because he's done this beforea and knows what to expect.

I'm sorry for sounding like a selfish child but pregnancy has been a rocky road and I just want to know that it will all be ok.

I think all pregnant women are afraid of stillbirth to an extent. I find doing something about it helps me - so I use the NHS recommended Kick Count app to monitor baby’s movements and contact the labour ward / adau unit at the hospital every time there has been a reduction. This has led to the midwives and consultants taking me really seriously as I have the data to back up my concerns. I also purchased growth scans privately and asked the sonographer to measure blood flow to the placenta in addition to the normal stuff, and again my nhs consultant has analysed this data and used it to refer me for further proactive scans.

You just need to tell him how you feel without being accusatory.

That you know he’s trying to help and his only motivation is to support you, but you don’t want your pregnancy and birth experiences compared to that of his other children. It’s making you feel some and unheard.

Talk to him. A nice guy will understand.

*making you feel alone

I don’t think your dp is harping in about his previous experiences to discount your feelings. He’s trying to show you that you can trust him to support you, but he’s just going about it in the wrong way.
I’ve had 5 vaginal births and I can assure you each one has been very different. Surprisingly for me, number 4 was by far the worst.
You and your baby come first. It really doesn’t matter how your baby gets here just as long as you are both safe and well.
Having a c section is certainly not ‘taking an easy way out’ . If that’s what you want then go for it.
You could watch a series like One born every minute with your dp, and explain that it would be useful to learn if other women’s experiences as you’ve learnt that it’s different for everyone. Although your dp is trying to support you, he’s actually wrong in my opinion because the fact is, babies come on different days, they are different shapes, sizes, we ladies are different shapes and sizes. Our cervix can be slightly different too. Some women have great productive contractions, some have massive less productive contractions. He can’t expect you to gage what you do and what happens to you based on his two experiences.
Keep open minded. That’s the trick.
I would talk yo your dp honestly though as you are both going to need to support one another. Tell him how his going on is making you feel. The last thing you want once baby is here, is your dp saying ‘ xxx breast fed, she did it like this. I think you should be doing this also. Or xxx used to leave baby to cry, you should too.
Explain this is a journey for both of you....not the three!! ( until baby arrives) x

Have you talked to your midwife about this? I think you would be helped a great deal if you had continuity of care - the same midwife to help you prepare, through labour & birth & visiting you afterwards. Ask if that is available where you are. If not, have you considered an independent midwife or perhaps a doula to provide such support. If you consider this look for someone who is comfortable supporting hospital birth- not all are. A good support/advisor for you & they should also have the skills to help you explain to your DP how you have been feeling.

Given your anxiety I don’t think that your partner could say anything that would help you. It’s very very difficult to reassure an anxious person because anxiety looks for situations to feed itself.

You need to talk to a professional.

He doesn't get a say in your birth preferences. You said you wanted an elective but he forced you not to? Really?

It's all a bit late now at 8 months in but call and speak to your midwife right away. You need to talk it through with a professional including any issues you are having with him being controlling.

Pregnancy, birth and the newborn stage are times when as a woman you are exceptionally vulnerable. It's quite serious if a woman's partner is controlling her choices at this point.

Thank you all for your responses.

I am under the continuous care of the same midwife. She has been amazing and has taken my concerns seriously. She knows I'm anxious and suggested an elective c-section to help reduce some of the fears I have. I do, however, understand the risks involved and the implications of having major surgery which is a reason why I have agreed with my partner to try for a natural birth. I'm also under the care of a consultant, who again has taken my fears seriously and has agreed to induce me early. I'm waiting on a date and hope to have something to aim for this week.

My partner is not trying to be controlling he just wants us to recover the best we can. His positivity is helpful in some ways, in others completely isolating. I have tried to explain but he feels I'm having a dig about him talking about his past and I then struggle to articulate my concerns so communication breaks down as I don't want to argue.

Oh dear, it sounds like he's trying to be reassuring but then that comes across as him being dismissive of your reasonable concerns.
Something that might help your anxiety - I just gave birth for the second time and used the Positive Birth Company digital pack beforehand and it was AMAZING -it's basically a load of video tutorials explaining the science and hormones etc behind the birthing process and how you can make the best decisions to help labour progress. I can't recommend it highly enough - my first birth was an ordeal and in hindsight I did lots of things which really didn't help, if I'd been better informed then I would have made different choices. Definitely worth a look if you can afford it (think it's £39), and ask him to watch it with you as it will help him to understand how to support you better instead of adding to your stress!

You're not being selfish at all!

You say he's been there and got the t-shirt but he hasn't really. He hasn't ever given birth and never will. You need to try and have a really honest conversation with him about how you feel, try and get him to understand that you feel he is dismissing your concerns (doesn't matter that it's not his intention, it's just how you feel and totally valid). He needs to recognise that your response is not a personal attack on him and you need to acknowledge to him that you understand thag his words are equally not a personal attack on you. Having said that, this is your birth and it's on him to modify his language and behaviour so you feel comfortable and supported - not the other way around.

I'd second the positive birth company hypnobirthing course. I've found it really helpful.

Please ignore him, in my experience he probably is trying to look like the big I am but knows shit. Pregnancy and birth are times and you are very vulnerable and your birthing partner (however you give birth) needs to be supporting you and advocating for you and your choices. Not what they think, not what their ex did (who I can imagine may have her own view on how your DP was during the births) but what you want which is the most important thing. DH has a teenager from a previous relationship. He went into the nct group like he knew everything to the point the trainer had him helping with the group which was really cringe. In reality he knew sweet FA and was utterly useless when DD was born (by planned c section due to complications). He just wanted to make himself feel big and look good. I would absolutely second finding a good doula, which is my plan if I ever brave another pregnancy.

Every woman is different. Every pregnancy is different. Every birth is different. It's all very well your DP expecting you to have a text book delivery like his ex but even text book deliveries vary a lot. I think I would be inclined to point out that while he was present at both births, he himself has not actually pushed a baby out. I'd also tell him how him banging on about his ex giving birth is making you more anxious and spoiling an important stage of becoming a mum for you. At the end of the day, he is a man. Even though he has been through two pregnancies and deliveries as a partner before, he himself cannot possibly understand how it feels to grow a tiny human inside your body for 40 weeks and give birth. He has never experienced himself how the different hormones affect you and make you feel or what a contraction feels like. Talk to him and explain how he's being insensitive. You can do this and I'm sure you will be a brilliant mum too.

“He would prefer you to have a vaginal birth”????? Why exactly and who gives a flying f**ck about what he wants?! It’s your body, you do what you want.

OP all your feelings are so valid. It sounds like he genuinely thinks hes helping reassure you but as he hasn't given birth his experience is really not the same.

I suffer with generalised anxiety which was so bad during pregnancy. My gp referred me for CBT (talking therapy) which helped a bit. But honestly if I could turn back the clock I would have gone for elective section.

Anxiety I think was a barrier to a normal birth for me, I swear my brain wouldn't let my body just go.

My baby is absolutely fine and I'm over the birth. But the next one will be elective section. Dont let fear ruin your pregnancy, speak to your midwife again with all your wants and needs discussed. The birth and pregnancy choices are yours and yours alone.

Thank you all for your supportive comments. I was very worried people would think I was being pathetic and needed to just get on with it.

I did request help from the mental health midwife but when referred she told my community midwife to go to my GP for antidepressants. These don't work for me they either make me a zombie, or I can't sleep and have night terrors. When you're already frightened it isn't the best course of action.

I still have a few days to make up my mind on delivery. I don't want to be "helpless" after surgery I would prefer to be able to get on with things. But I can't get my head around trying to give birth naturally, it not happening and all ending in an emergency c-section. I know we cannot know how these things go but I would be devastated if I spent days in labour only to go for a c-section. It's the not knowing which I am scared about I think.

As for my partner I know I need to talk to him about it. I think maybe writing my concerns down so he can read it in his own time without any emotion being present will help him understand my point of view. I also need to see where he is coming from and that it is to try and reassure me rather than making me feel lonely/not good enough.

Your preference is the only preference that matters OP. I have had 2 sections, 1 emergency and 1 elective. It took longer to recover from the emergency one but I was up and about with both the same day. You do have to take it easy but I wasn't in bed for weeks or anything!

The risk thing is tricky because they lump all the "risk" together when actually there are distinct risks to you and to the baby. It's my understanding that overall a section is a greater risk to you but a lower risk to the baby than a vaginal birth.

There is no right way of doing birth and I genuinely think you just have to go with what you think will be best for you. You can have a complicated vaginal birth and a straightforward section. For most women a straightforward vaginal birth would be optimum but that can never be guaranteed which is what makes it so tricky!

Good luck whatever you decide OP, whatever you do it will all be worth it in the end.