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Original poster

When DH struggles to forsake all others

28 replies

Namechangeymcnamechange11 · 31/10/2019 20:31

I have been married for 3 years with a 2 year old DC and one on the way.
DH is up to his 3rd occurrence of messaging other women on FB messenger/tinder (the first time).
I accept my first mistake was believing him the first time that it would never happen again, but since then there's been twice more and one and a bit children.

Please no comments about "why did you have children with this man" - it's done now.

He's never actually slept with anyone, just talks about it with them. This most recent time, I'm really struggling with moving past it.

I don't really know what I want from this, maybe a wwyd?
Will he actually stop? Am I making a fuss over nothing?
I did toy with kicking him out, but I have a toddler and expecting another, plus it felt like it was me breaking up our marriage and tearing apart our DCs life.

OP posts:
AnduinsGirl · 31/10/2019 20:38

Please don't choose to live like this. :( He's an absolute waste of skin and has zero respect for you. Have some respect for yourself and get rid of him - it'll hurt like fuck but it's best for everyone long term. Horrible, horrible man.

Candle1000 · 31/10/2019 20:38

He’s not struggling, he’s making a conscious decision to message other women . I reckon it’s only a matter of time before it moves on from just messages , if in fact he’s telling the truth .

It isn’t you breaking up the family, he’s doing it all by himself.

MirriMazDuur · 31/10/2019 20:39

You have no idea if he's actually slept with anyone or not.

BillHadersNewWife · 31/10/2019 20:41

I don't think he'll stop. My friend's been married for twenty years and has two DC and a business with her DH and he's been unfaithful three times now. The last one was recently and she told him that was the last time...if he did anything again she'd leave. Surprise surprise, she's just found out he's still messaging the woman.

she hasn't left him though.

It's up to you OP....but I would not live like that. It's a poor way to treat you.

user1493413286 · 31/10/2019 20:41

I don’t think I could continue a relationship where this is happening; once I would forgive but I can’t see what is going to stop him continuing to do it in the future and I do see it as cheating.

Icouldstillbejoseph · 31/10/2019 20:42

I'm sorry to hear your story. But I just want you to consider how 'active' you have to be to message women on Tinder.

Download the app
Log in
Get verified
Create a profile/choose pics
Swipe on potential women
Then message

That's a lot in my mind. That isn't a 'got a bit pissed and said some shit to someone hot in the office' scenario. That's planned, desired cheating. The messages don't come out the blue - he wants this and has repeatedly sought it out

Inebriati · 31/10/2019 20:43

''He's never actually slept with anyone, just talks about it with them.''
This is the next one of your boundaries that will go. He isn't struggling, he is wrecking your life and letting you do all of that.

Start by taking The Freedom Program, you can do it online. You'll think it doesn't apply to you because he's never been physically violent. Dont let that put you off.

freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

ExcitedForFuture · 31/10/2019 20:44

He would have broken up the family. Not you OP. For now it's only messaging but once he knows you won't leave over it I'm sure he'll take that next step.

jelly79 · 31/10/2019 20:44

I just want to say regardless of what anyone thinks you should do I am so so sorry that you are going through this. No one deserves to feel the way I imagine you do right now. Especially when you have a young DC and one on the way.

He should love and cherish you always but mostly now. I've been there and I know how heartbreaking it is. Searching for a way to fix it. You shouldn't have to x

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/10/2019 20:45

I would be seeking legal advice re divorce because knowledge also is power. You are not making a fuss over nothing and I dare say too that if you were doing this, he would not be at all forgiving. You do not have to look past this.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here from you people as their parents?. You already know of three occasions he has done this and it is cheating and outright disrespectful behaviour to you as his wife.

What is there to stop him from doing this a 4th or 5th time?. This is who he is and is no reflection on you. It’s all on him and he has acted of his own freewill here. Do not stay with him now just because it’s somehow easier on you and or these children because it is not. If this marriage does indeed end, he has caused that primarily to happen by his actions. He was not thinking of them either when he was writing to those women.

FarAwaySheep · 31/10/2019 20:50

He's not struggling, he's just repeatedly being unfaithful (emotionally and possibly physically). That's his choice. He could choose not to do it, but I think you already know that he will continue to choose to cheat on you and hurt you repeatedly for as long as you stay with him.

I'm sorry, OP. But you deserve better than this (hell, anyone deserves better than this), and your kids deserve better than a home where Dad treats Mum with contempt, Mum is eaten alive with resentment, and they grow up thinking that this is normal.

Do you have a daughter? If she ended up married to someone like this, what advice would you give her?

Elmer83 · 31/10/2019 20:50

Do you know what...I’m sick of hearing about men who don’t give a shit about the woman in their life's. If he doesn’t now...he never will. You’re about to bring his 2nd child into the world and this is his behaviour? Show him you’re worth more and leave his sorry ass. Do it in your own time but make it your plan. I know it won’t be easy but this will continue for the rest of your life. You will never trust him...ever.
Huge hug to you...xxx

Elmer83 · 31/10/2019 20:51

Sorry I mean if he doesn’t show you that you matter now, he never will xxx

NewNameGuy · 31/10/2019 20:54

I know you're stuck in the situation, but unfortunately he's a twat. Don't settle for it.

Hopefully you can work it out or get split.

As far as I'm concerned its 100% cheating and I'd kick dw out for it, for sure.

TheArtfulScreamer1 · 31/10/2019 21:09

You're not making a fuss over nothing, the way I see it you've 2 choices you either end your marriage and move on as you're not prepared to be treated like this or you turn a blind eye and live with the fact your DH gets his kicks sexting strangers and may push the boundaries further into the physical. The third option of forgiving him and him learning his lesson expired at the point he did it a second time and was well and truly dead in the water on the third occasion.
Personally I'd like you to choose option 1 but I'm a realist and know that it's not as straightforward when you've 2 young children a shared history, home and finances so option 4 is staying how you are, arguing about it, him promising not to do it again (but both of you knowing he more than likely will) and as it's a lot of hassle to actual separate you plod along still together but not truly happy until the next time when the cycle starts again.

WatchingFriendsOnRepeat · 31/10/2019 21:50

I have a 4yr old and I am 20wks pregnant. Kicked out my DP yesterday (he wasn't cheating, just a shit father/partner/liar/emotional abuser/gaslighter/cocklodger/and so much more and I am miserable with him).
Kick yours out. He won't change. You'll be fine, as will I. Your kids will be better off seeing you happy and anxiety free.
I hope you're ok. I had a little cry today but tbh I think it's more hormones than anything... I am so glad he's gone. So is my son already! I own my home outright though and don't need him financially to live comfortably, so I know I am fortunate and it isn't always the case for some. But seriously - kick the piece of shit out.
Sending love and hugs from one pregnant and alone woman to another potential one! We can do this xxx

MrsGrindah · 31/10/2019 21:53

He doesn’t care about you. That’s the thing you need to decide whether you can put up with.

Interestedwoman · 31/10/2019 22:38

He is at the very least 'flirting with cheating.' Each time he sends these messages he's fantasising about cheating. It's highly unlikely that he'll never act on it in future, if he hasn't already.

Fookadook · 31/10/2019 23:17

You aren’t the one breaking up the marriage, he’s done this all by himself.

He won’t change. He’s done this 3 times, he’ll just get better at hiding it.

user1481840227 · 01/11/2019 00:09

If he's not having sex with them or planning on it then he is causing you all this hurt for what? for the sake of getting a tiny little thrill from sexting other women?

He is ok with making you feel insecure, paranoid, not good enough, hurt, wrecking your self esteem and risking your mental health.....all because he can't help himself from sending a few messages??

Ugh, get rid of him. You deserve so much better.

ukgift2016 · 01/11/2019 05:27

I know you do not want to be asked but why did you have a baby with him? You knew he was a cheater.

You have put no boundaries in place so this behaviour will keep happening and it will most likely escalate.

RantyAnty · 01/11/2019 05:40

He'll never stop. This is who he is and it shows how little he cares about your or the marriage.

My exH did this bs and it drove me nuts worrying about it until I ended it.
He had an online life and loved the attention of flirting and sexting.

Right now might not be the best time but you can't still make plans to leave or kick him out. Contact a divorce lawyer and find out what your rights are. Collect your important documents and keep them where you have easy access to them.

Remember he is the one choosing to do this so he is the one who ruined the marriage. He will try to gaslight you and blame you but just remind yourself that this is who he is and he won't change and it's not your fault.

Things are much better now. He is still online with his pretend online life and girlfriends. It's sad and pathetic. I'm glad I'm out of that mess and you will be too in time.

category12 · 01/11/2019 06:00

Well, you have two options :

  • accept he's going to chase other women. It's likely that it won't stay online only. Eventually he'll get his dick wet.
  • give him the boot.

One thing you can't expect is for him to stop. Because you've been through this several times already and he hasn't.

justilou1 · 01/11/2019 06:06

If he’s messaging others, the intention is there, Babe.... don’t kid yourself.

Nc77 · 01/11/2019 07:16

He’s breaking up the family not you. He is relying on you falling soft, you should definitely pack his bags for him and tell him to fuck off if that’s how he wants to behave.

It’s daunting thinking you’ll have 2 kids on your own but you will manage it. Your decision, but you can take him back once he knows your serious. It’s cheating and disrespectful, even more so with you carrying his child. If my partner did this I’d be devastated. It’s not an over reaction at all he’s messaging other women talking about shagging them, where is the line and when is it crossed? For me it’s been crossed already.

Pack his shit and leave it outside the door and if he asks why then tell him to have a think about what he’s been doing .

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