Fiance changed his mind about marriage and having a baby

[Motherofkittens28]

So my fiance asked me to marry him 4 months ago. It wasn't a spur of the moment thing, he had planned it at least 6 months beforehand, he asked my dad's permission and he took me to Paris. We had agreed a year ago that we would start trying for a baby in August, which we started doing. Since then he's been really off and a month ago he told me he has changed his mind about having a baby ever. Then two weeks later he told me he didn't want to marry me. It was a horrific night and he was very emotional and just kept saying he was confused and he didn't know if he wanted to end things or not. The next day he text me saying he was sorry and he does love me and does want to marry me. Since then we've started seeing a relationship counsellor and things have been much better. I still feel very uneasy though in case he changes his mind again and our engagement no longer feels real. Am I being a bitch if I ask him to ask me to marry him again so I can feel sure that he means it?

LemonTT, I wouldn't say I'm single minded about marriage. I just feel like I'm fake engaged, wearing the ring and having to answer questions about wedding planning. I feel like it's all a lie. He seems to think that everything is fine now and life is back to normal, I need him to know that's not how I feel about it

That advice would be OK if you were 28 but as you're 37

Yes, I didn't see that until after I'd posted.

Then take the ring off OP. Put it back in its box for now. He doesnt get to do this then act normal.

I’d worry you’d get pregnant and he’d suddenly decide he wasn’t really up for it. So it’s good you’ve stopped ttc for now.

He’s really dicked you around and I can’t imagine how shit that feels. Two questions come to mind: is he more about how things look than how they are (big fussy run up to proposal and showy proposal then cold feet at the reality) and what reasons did he give you in counselling for having changed his mind?

Owning a house together doesn’t mean you can’t split up. It’s just paperwork. Annoying but not the end of the world.

As to your question, do you know if you’d really felt better if he asked you again? Are you still wearing your ring?

There was a thread on here a while back in a similar vein and the OP wanted a new ring to symbolise a sort of re-engagement after a fall out. I could see her point but don’t know if when it feels like something’s broken you can fix it with a new ring, or a reproposal.

I honestly feel that he may have stepped out of the relationship even just once .. panicked .. called it off .. panicked again ... now trying to make things right ..

That’s just me ..

But honestly OP think long and hard before conceiving esp when things are not so rosy anymore

Hope it all works out the way YOU want it to 🌷

Slow things down or pause them or leave. 37 isn't too late to leave and find someone else. I'm 41 with a partner who is still farting about and it IS too late for me.

I am still wearing my ring. I don't want to deal with the questions that would inevitably come if I stopped wearing it.

AnnelovesGilbert, no he's not a big showy person, it's not his style to me more concerned about the show than the substance.
We haven't exactly covered the why in counselling. We've only had one session together as she wanted to see us both individually as well.

What’s wrong with expressing your concerns within the therapy appointment? Say that you’d honestly not be wearing the ring now if it wasn’t for fending off other people’s intrusive questions. Say that for you the ring was a symbol of joy and future security, two issues that are clearly on the table now.

Let the therapist suggest some ways forward.

If you want yo have children you need to hurry up. Either get pregnant by him and be prepared to raise the child alone or leave him and find someone else. Tbh if the man got to 40 without making the ability to make his mind up, I don't think you have a future together.

Take the ring off. I know it will be hard but there are consequences to his decision and he hasn’t really faced any of them because to the outside world nothing has changed.

I’d leave him and look for someone else. If he’s not adult enough for commitment now at the age of 40, it’s not going to happen.

You don’t have time to mess about waiting for him to grow up.

I agree that I'd not wear the ring until you can trust that he is 100% committed to you.

I'm concerned that 'everything is fine' because you have no specific wedding plans and have stopped trying to conceive.

I'm also concerned that you are having relationship counselling but still needing to benchmark opinions via an Internet forum.

I'm not sure what you are talking about in the relationship counselling sessions but I hope some of it is about these things. You were getting married, you were going to try to conceive (how long have you been together?) and now you're not, and you are unsure what the future holds. There is also the brutal truth that time is not on your side and delaying for some months might or might not make a difference to the outcome. I'm concerned that 'everything is fine' means you have squashed down a lot of your feelings in order to retain the relationship. If the relationship can't survive you wanting to conceive now, then you have your answer. Please be honest in the sessions, and be angry and in pain if you have to. You're allowed.

@Motherofkittens28

It’s the worst feeling when this happens , I have been there.
My story has a happy ending and I hope you get yours

I was 33 and been with now husband about 9 years at this point

Engaged for 4 years ... we hadn’t brought a house yet, had just sorted debt and had decided to move back to parents to save for house when he tells be he isn’t sure if he is in love with me any more and that I may just be his best mate

Que me being an emotional wreck ... not my best self as felt the man I loved dearly was preparing me for walking away.

He wanted to continue with the plan and he would decide how he felt.

There was lots I did I wasn’t proud of ( checked his phone to see if there was another woman / as it was so out of the blue For me I was convinced there was )
Of course arguments ( which we don’t generally have about 3 in 9 years escalated to 15 in 9 years in a few months )

Best things I did :-
Took my ring of my finger and said I would not wear it as it is a lie at this time and until he figured his shit out I wasn’t going to wear a fake promise

Told him I loved him and I would wait but to not test me for too long because I will still live my best life and I will have a house and kids with him or someone who wanted the same things

Assured him we could be friends if we broke up once I was over him so don’t think he had me in his life for the immediate future otherwise I would get over him and if he broke it off I had every intention of doing that.

We lived at our separate parents and we dated for about 18 months all in and I pleased myself again , he was not number one I was ... for the first time in years ... I would go see my friends without consulting him and if he wanted to see me he had to arrange it.

( which was better for my mental health as the 3 months I lived with him whilst pretending everything was ok to the outside world while giving our rental notice nearly finished me )

He figured out within the first 4 months he was in love with me, firstly I think men just get spoilt with being the Centre of our universe and secondly I think he got scared but literally within that 18months we got the deposit for our house and saved for our wedding ( which wasn’t on the cards until this happened we were more
Eternally engaged )

We brought our house dec 17 married June 18 and had our baby nov 18
He is the guy i fell in love again with and the most wonderful doting dad to our son I am so glad we worked it out.

So it isn’t definitely over but don’t let him stop you living your life ... if he can’t commit he doesn’t get the benefits of that relationship and he needs to sort his shit out

I have a friend by the way that was going through the menopause at 35 she was told she couldn’t have kids 10 years prior due to medical complications she was pregnant at 35 and had a second daughter at 40 years old ... wasn’t there an Indian lady at 80 odd years that gave birth? He isn’t always going to be your only hope and if you want kids and he doesn’t are you sure your not
Going to resent him ?

Op I do feel for you this is such a awful place to be x

If having a child is important to you and he doesn’t want one then split with him.
You don’t have time for his dramas.
Use as sperm donor.

I just feel insecure about things

Well of course you do, because he just pulled the rug out from under your feet and then backtracked so he did not have to deal with the fallout. It is only a matter of time before he does similar again, maybe when wedding planning and getting nearer the date, and you will be back to feeling like this again OP.

I say take off the ring, put it somewhere safe and if people ask questions tell them it is being resized, but this man doesn't get to hurt you like this and then get to dictate that you have to wear this ring to appear "normal" to the outside world, he has hurt you deeply and you need to deal with that before anything else.

I would also suggest some time apart, he should move out to give you a bit of space, you cannot make clear decisions if he is in the house insisting all is well and back to normal after telling you he was not certain that you are it for him. Time to get angry and get moving OP, and learn not to care about what others think, you only get one shot at life, don't let awkward questions tie you into an unhappy life.

Another one saying take the ring off, you are not at this point getting married and the ring indicates you are engaged to be married.

Tell people you damaged it and it is being repaired if you are worried about telling people the truth.

Was he like this when you bought the house? Another big commitment decision to compare to. Also how long have you been together and maybe the whole baby thing and his whole life changing is more worrying to him than the wedding. Basically you already have a house together so like a marriage if you split. But a baby is a whole different ball game and the reality of that is what scares him.

OP any update?

Im sure no-one is watching this thread anymore i stopped reading it as most of the comments were making me feel worse. Everything worked out for us, since January things have been great and we started trying for a baby again. He is unbelievably sorry for what he put me through and thinks it was too much change too fast. His Dad died, we bought a house, got engaged and started trying for a baby all in a 6 month period so it was a lot of change. He is now 110% in, the wedding is mostly booked and we are hopefull for a BFP soon.

I'm pleased to see your update OP.
And I'm very glad this has all worked out for you.
I wish you every happiness.
Well done on getting things resolved.

Ah that’s great but unless you are independently wealthy, I would strongly urge you to get married before having the baby

Why are you trying for a baby before you're married? Get the ring on your finger first!

That is a lovely update OP. I hope the counselling has continued and he didn't just fob you off with a reiteration of the proposal to keep you sweet.

I agree unless you are the higher earner get yourself to the registry office asap before a hypothetical baby arrives.

Something tells me his wobble had more to do with meeting someone else then changing his mind but I'm quite cynical.

Great update!

I don't know either of you but generally men back out because they are not really sure they are that into you.
They never back out for the right woman.
Sorry and yes I have seen your update.