Should I continue the process of ending my marriage?

[Jojo187]

I don’t know what to do.... so I’m posting on here if anyone can be of any help,

So... I’ve been with my partner almost 10 years since I was 18, 2 years in the relationship we had our child and we’ve been married 14 months.

For a good few years now we’ve had our arguments about just about everything (bad habits we both have, the way his family are towards me....il come back to that, the strain our relationship can have from our child who has autism, hardly spending any time as a couple as we don’t get much childcare, my depression and his lack of understanding.... the list goes on)

Some horrible things are said - he often calls me a c**t and swears in front of our child which I hate so much! Over the years it’s just got worse! I always wanted the “happy ever after” so I pushed how much I wanted to get married leading to my husband proposing, us planning the wedding and me saving whilst he saved for a house as we rented at the time, a year later he bought the house and only added himself to the mortgage, after moving in he referred (and still does refer) the home to and I quote “my house” .... so not ours, his!! Although we had been together 7 years at the time, had a child and got married a year after this.

Since getting married I feel like reality has hit me. I was so focused on wanting to get married so bad and wanting my happy ever after I kept dismissing the fact of how toxic our relationship was. As said above I’m arguments I’m called a c*t and a*ehole told “I’m not much of a catch” and he despises me, he’s even called me ugly a couple of times! on our wedding night I even got upset when I was drunk and maybe this was why.

As mentioned above his family have never fully approved of me and have upset me on several occasions causing arguments between us as he sticks up for them.

He also earns a lot more than me and pays for near enough everything, I would pay for more if could afford to.

Anyway, after a row a few weeks ago where he admitted he had planned to move to his bought how without me before changing his mind, I decided enough was enough, in tough times in the past I’ve researched what I’d be entitled to as a single parent and looked online at places to rent but this time I actually viewed and applied for a property. Before this we said to each it was it and he said he couldn’t be in a sexless marriage anymore and things can’t get worse (I refuse to be intimate with someone who talks to me the way he does) and that was that.
But after applying for the flat and asking my boss for a reference I told him this as it meant work may need to know we are separating (this was only a few days ago) he asked for another chance. He now keeps apologising for the way he speaks to me and suggesting we go away for a night, he is being very nice to me and saying how guilty he feels for not being there with my depression.

Do I give him another chance? Or do I throw the marriage away after 1 year?

I don’t want to be a horrible person but I want to know if I can be happier without him😪 but what if I regret leaving?

Please be kind I feel so stuck and alone. Thank you x

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Re your comment:-

"Do I give him another chance? Or do I throw the marriage away after 1 year?"

No is the answer to your first question. The second question you pose here is the sunk costs fallacy speaking and that enables people in poor relationships like yours to keep on making poor relationship decisions. We throw litter away, not relationships.

People get bogged down by focusing on their sunk costs.
There are two ways to understand this process, both involving avoidance. One is an avoidance of disappointment or loss when something doesn’t work out. When a relationship doesn’t succeed, especially after a long period, especially after many shared experiences and especially after developing a hope that the relationship would be a good one, it is a loss. It is a loss of what might have been and an acknowledgement that a part of one’s life has been devoted to this endeavour.

Another angle to evaluate is that focus on “sunk cost” creates a distraction from one’s inner truth. The sentence often goes like, “I’ve already invested to much, so I can’t notice my thoughts and feelings that are telling me to end or change this relationship.”
This is a type of insidious defense against noticing yourself. You enter into a neglectful relationship with yourself which divorces you from your inner thoughts and the quiet feelings that might guide you in your life. In other words, thinking about what already has been may prevent you from deciding what you want your life to be.
The key is to clear away the distractions to rational and emotional clarity. Getting stuck in your “sunk cost” prevents you from this clarity, whether in your relationships or your investments!

You won't regret leaving but you may well come to ask yourself why on earth you did not leave him earlier.

You will regret staying with him because it is somehow "easier" for you to stay. You are alone within this marriage now, do not be afraid of striking out without him. And besides which you are not alone anyway here, there is your child to consider.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.
What do you want to teach your child about relationships and what is he/she learning here?. That his/her dad's verbal abuse towards you as this child's mother is somehow acceptable because you remain with this man?. Would you want a relationship like this for your child - no you would not. You would not tolerate a friend calling you such either so do not tolerate this any longer from your abusive husband.

You will never get "happy ever after" with this man. The relationship is over in any case because of the verbal abuse he inflicts upon you and in turn your child who overhears all of this from him too. HE is the horrible person here in this relationship, not you. Its not your fault either your H is like this, you did not make him that way. His own family of origin are like him, they did that.

You have been with this man since you were 18 and thus had no real life experience behind you. This also made you far more vulnerable to being targeted by this man who has in all likelihood too set out from the very early days to grind you down. He is probably also the root cause of your depressed state and that could well lighten and lift once you and he are fully apart. You should not be with him any longer.

Please seek legal advice asap with regards to the property, finances and child. You are married and thus have rights in law, exercise those fully. You owe that much to yourself and to your child who has every right like you do to have a life free from abuse.

Thank you for the honest reply xx

I think you should continue with your plans to move and live on your own with your child. You don’t need to be living with him for him to show you he is sorry and to try and repair the damage he has done. It’ll do you good to have some space from him.

What will happen if you stay is that he'll backslide into verbally and emotionally abusing you again, and you'll get to this point again. It's not throwing your marriage away after a year - it's ending a toxic relationship after nearly ten years.

He's scared of losing his emotional punchbag and of what he might lose in the divorce, that's all. I mean really, think about it, his argument is that he can change, which means that for all these years he's chosenI to treat you like shit. How would you ever come back from that?

You're not throwing away a marriage. You're making the decision that you and your child are worth so much more than this and that no matter what crap he says now, you have seen the real man and you are no longer interested in him.

There's a much better life out there for you.

Your both so right!! Thank you xx

He's just doing this: m.youtube.com/watch?v=d5NHBn5p9vY

As soon as he's confident the rental property has fallen through he will go back to being overtly abusive.

Yes end it, after 10 years of abuse how can it ever be ok?

Thanks everyone xx

Lovely— he’s not a nice bloke— and life’s too short to be spending time with arseholes like this . You’ve seen marriage now and experienced it, it doesn’t sprinkle fairy dust on crap im afraid,

He sounds horrible. Please do get rid of him.

I had this with my STBXH. Bought this house before we married but was only ever in his name as I wasnt working. I'm in the (long) process of sorting a financial settlement through the courts. The first thing my solicitor told me to do was to get a Notice of Home rights with the Land Registry. So glad I did because I would be entitled to nothing from it now if I hadn't. Google it and see if you think this would be helpful. If you do apply for it a copy of the amended LR will be sent to him but they don't say what's altered on it so he'd have to read it to notice your name on there.
It basically means he cant try to sell or remortgage it without you being informed and if you do divorce any equity cant be released to him without you being contacted.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

You deserve so so much better than this, you really do.

You need to leave, yes you might have days where you regret it (it's normal), but if you push through those days you will be so much happier.

Thank you everyone, I am continuing with the renting process however I’m now stuck as with being on low income I need a guarantor for the flat I want which is perfect for me and my daughter but my mum is on low income so I’ve idea who I can ask :-(

I honestly think he wants me to stay because he doesn’t want people to find out and is worried about losing money from the house, although he says otherwise now I’ve said I don’t believe anything will be chance he’s said “oh well don’t say I didn’t try”

Thanks again for the kind and honest replies xx

UPDATE!

Thanks for the advice everyone - I’ve found somewhere new to rent and have a leaving date of next week;

My family now know including my dad who lets face it hasn’t been the best grandad to my daughter sends cheques for her birthday and Christmas and doesn’t really have a bond with her, he also only contacts me once every 3/6 months and I get anixety even when he calls me therefore I often don’t answer the phone to him (this isn’t just my dad though I get anixety when people call me on the phone) my mam convinced me to tell him about my situation as he could help me move but he keeps going on about legal advice and seeing a solicitor. I don’t even know if leaving my husband will be permanent I just want to live separately to see if we can both be happier apart but my dads response to all this is saying how I shouldn’t even be moving out and that he should have been the one leaving even though it’s his mortgage! I feel pressured by him as he’s said he will pay for my solicitor fees.

This is causing me to feel ill from stress, my husband doesn’t want me to leave and is trying to convince me to change my mind saying things will change and will consider Counciling but I need to change things I’ve done too and it’s not all his fault.

This has all become so much harder then I thought it would be, I just want a happy life😪 as someone with no close friends either I feel so alone!!

Please don't listen to his bullshit OP. He's had ten years to sort himself out and now he's losing control and has to pick up his own socks, he's panicking.

He's abusive and abusers don't change.

You've done really well and you are doing the best thing for you and your child, by walking away. Yes it is hard but everything worthwhile in life is hard.

There's an organisation called Anxiety UK who offer lots of support for those who suffer from Anxiety including hypnotherapy and counselling. It might be an idea to give them a ring and have a chat: www.anxietyuk.org.uk/

Gingerbread has information on single parent support groups: www.gingerbread.org.uk/

See your GP if you are really struggling. Also see if there is any support for women who have experienced domestic abuse in your area. You might find a support group a great help at this time. www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

Your Dad is right OP, you should be the one staying in the family home (It really doesn't matter who's name it is under) but this is more convenient for you and the last thing you need is a different Man telling you how it should be, you've had enough of shit Men for the time being.

There is a lot of support out there OP, but it sounds like you are actually doing great, the hardest part is always taking those first steps.

Your husband has an obligation to support you now that you have separated. Your dad has a point about a solicitor in this respect but again, do things in your own time not when someone tells you to.

It will say a lot about your husband in my opinion if he makes this phase of the separation difficult. He should be falling over to show you that even if he wasn't a good husband/partner, he can still be a responsible and caring Father.

Sorry, should have added. Regarding the legal issues, the house etc Your dad is probably right but you need proper legal advice which you need asap. You can call Rights of Women who give free family law advice, the CABx or Gingerbread. They can give you a list of appropriate solicitors or help you access legal aid or pro bono support if feasible. Please get onto that NOW, time is of the essence.