Adult ADHD experiences please x

[Struggles123]

Evening,
It would be very helpful to hear about people’s experiences being with a partner who has ADHD please.
Are they like mine? In summary………

• DH constantly makes me repeat myself.
• After the third time, I think he has listened, but then later into the conversation he will confirm that he didn’t listen, by putting words in my mouth that I didn’t say.
• Doesn’t give me eye contact when I’m talking about something important.
• I often have to ask him, are you listening/ please look at me when I’m talking to you.
• Talks over me.
• Changes the conversation, I follow but then he will go back to the original conversation- both times I haven’t been able to air my view.
• Makes me follow him around the house whilst I am talking because he “importantly” has to do something. This makes me rush what I am saying.
• Uses our dog as his biggest distraction tool, mid conversation having to say how much he loves our dog or how cool our dog is or look that’s a really good stick for our dog - this is every day - having to be put on pause whilst he has been distracted by something.
• Repeats sayings that he has created excessively.
• Heavy on the breaks when driving, because he keeps looking out of the window.

Sounds alot like my husband. Heavy on brakes when driving, because he's not concentrating, and not looking to pull away when lights turn green, so sometimes miss the light.

Very distracted when I'm talking to him, if it's something important and he's not looking at me, it's really irritating. I need to remind him it's important.

We run through the days business, food, work, kids several times a day. Family calendar also really helps.

He is medicated and this has been very good for us both.

Following his diagnosis, I find while I can explain certain traits, I still get annoyed at him ☹️

Sounds like my ExH. He wasn't interested in treatment or understanding how his ADHD (diagnosed as an adult) impacted our marriage. I think if you can both work on it then your relationship can work.

ASD might also explain some of your DH's behavior so that's also worth looking into.

Thank you for your replies.
He thinks that it’s a part of him and so he can’t do anything about it.
He finds it funny when he gets distracted.

He can leave the room when I’m in the middle of a sentence - I keep telling myself that I’m not going to share things with him anymore, but that doesn’t last. It is deflating.

My ex just ignored me a lot. Which apparently was due to distraction.
I agree that if you keep the relationship side there's a chance you can work through it. But our relationship was long gone. I could not get over his ADHD without any closeness or a relationship. Although it was just used as a reason/excuse for everything in the end and a reason for treating me horribly

As @AspieDating implies, it's very common for someone to have both ADHD and ASD, or a mix of the two, which sounds like what you describe.

'He thinks that it’s a part of him and so he can’t do anything about it.
He finds it funny when he gets distracted.'

So- he hasn't actually been diagnosed yet? Or has he? I wouldn't have much patience with someone who knew they had a condition that effected their relationship, but didn't do anything evidence-based to try and treat their condition. ADHD can be very treatable.

Have you told him how his behaviour effects you? If it annoys you or whatever, I would insist that he seeks and adheres to treatment, and if one doesn't work goes back and tries another etc.

Years ago he was diagnosed by a psychiatrist and he was doing a treatment plan. He was really positive after his sessions and said that he had learnt to manage it.....
I don’t know if it’s got worse or I’ve just lost the patience now that we have a baby.

He won’t go on meds. As he is already on meds for other reasons.

I have spoken with him about how it makes me feel. I point things out to him all of the time.
He either laughs or shrugs.

When he does the things to other people, it gives me relief that he can’t help it, but no one says anything to him, not even his mum.
I have to say things to him like you didn’t let your mum finish her story about her project.

Ha

Yes to all. Im an almighty, disinterested, unable to concentrate, twat. All my label has done is make me worse as I now think it's funny that I've been given an excuse. The meds seem to help me concentrate a bit more and think about the same thing for longer, but I still only manage 20 mins before I'm wandering off or doing something else.

I wouldn't be married to me. I tell DH to leave (and mean it!) most days. I have very little empathy and am just an absolute nightmare.

My DH also says that he is aware of his lack of empathy. It’s difficult to understand how you can love someone but not empathise with how much you are hurting them.

I'm the person with adhd in the relationship so my perspective is different. I'm aware that although my adhd is quite severe, I don't have quite the same problems some others do. Basically I get distracted just as easily, but mostly can simultaneously follow them all. Or at least apportion them all the necessary amount of concentration.

So to some extent I can understand your partner, but essentially he also needs to make an effort to learn coping strategies.

Eg even when I appear to not be paying attention, I'm taking in every word. It would drive me demented if dp constantly asked if I was listening. But depending on the context there are times when it's more appropriate to use a distraction that allows eye contact.

The conversation example. I sometimes find it irritating that other people can't follow several at once, so his conversation changes are entirely normal imo, it's you nt lot that are odd. But he doesn't have any justification for preventing you having your say. That's not adhd, just rude.

Forgetting what people have said. Personally I tend to do this when I'm not interested enough in what they're saying to make the effort. But in fairness others with adhd genuinely are interested but struggle to concentrate. Either way, as adults you need to at least attempt to find a strategy to overcome it. Or dependent on the scenario at least be honest about why you don't feel it worthwhile to make the effort.

Same for your other examples, I can mostly see the reason he is doing them but still think coping strategies could be worked at so you're both meeting each other halfway.

Finding the driving odd though. It's an area where lack of filter is a positive.

I love my husband, but have zero care about protecting feelings. It's quite literally alien to me, and totally blows my mind when people (on here for example) discuss ways of talking to people without causing offence. Just say what you bloody think people!

I'm painfully black and white. I love DH but I absolutely don't need him, would be just fine without him, and wouldn't be overly bothered if he wasn't here any more. Oddly enough though I adore my kids and could never imagine, nor want, a day apart from them.

Go figure!

I don't have any experience of ADHD - I do have experience of abuse though. It sounds to me like he is humiliating you on purpose. He's getting off on your frustration. In my opinion, he knows exactly what you are trying to say as he heard you the first time. He watches you trying to make yourself clear and is sniggering away to himself while you tie yourself up in knots.

I could have written a lot of this myself. Dp has ADHD and it can stress a situation in a way I didn’t know was possible. Having to constantly repeat myself makes me feel so de-valued. I’ll be fighting trying to change the wriggly baby’s nappy and instead of helping me, he’ll be trying to show me some sort of video on his phone, oblivious to the situation in hand.

This used to be a common situation: We’d be eating in a restaurant, mid-meal, in deep conversation, and suddenly he’d get up and walk off! The first time he did it I thought he’s left completely! He doesn’t do it anymore and has learnt to tell me “I’m just going to the toilet”- thank god.

cupcaske it's hard for any of us to know from the op's posts just exactly how much it's possible for her dp to learn some coping strategies, or whether he is even willing to do so. But it's a bit far fetched to assume from what op has said that stereotypical adhd symptoms are being faked as a form of abuse.

'He won’t go on meds. As he is already on meds for other reasons.'

That's not a reason not to treat his condition, unless a doctor says there are no ADHD meds that are suitable for him due to his other conditions. Lots off people are on meds for more than one condition- sometimes several. It's no big deal..

You and everyone else around him are putting up with this stuff when he could do something about it. He needs to try the meds.

How is he at work and with friends and family?

I have a child with ADHD, she is sixteen. She is medicated and has had CBT. She has learned strategies to manage her behaviour and has also learned strategies to help with organisation etc She has done all of this because she wants to do well.
She was getting very depressed because she was constantly getting negative feedback from others, especially other kids and teachers.
This has all made a huge difference to her and to those around her.
By contrast an adult friend refuses to acknowledge that it is affecting them and their family and is refusing to get treatment. Their marriage is rocky and teenage children are angry with them.
Your husband needs to man up and do this for his family as well as himself.
Some good resources are CHADD, the North American association for children and adults with ADHD and ADDitude on line magazine.

Thank you for the further replies. I will look into the advice and look into some coping strategies again.

I realised that I missed off something- the way he likes me to ‘look’ at things constantly and he gets moody if I don’t look quick enough. On a dog walk he will point out all sorts of uninteresting things or when we are having lunch out etc I ask him to respect how I am enjoying my downtime & I don’t want to keep looking at things; but he doesn’t- he huffs n puffs at me.

The nappy story made me think - yep he does that too.

I think it is worse because we are grating on each other at the moment x