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Relationships

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Original poster

DP on dating site

13 replies

pepperminttea7 · 31/10/2019 15:53

So something weird happened.
DP got an email from a dating site I've never heard of (in my twenties and all my friends are on the apps so it's just a really random one). It said someone liked his photo.
He immediately showed me it as he saw. We were on holiday and he had no ability to access the site. I had my laptop for work so logged on, the profile was from 6 years ago with a picture from 8 years ago. He looks so young and he has nicer pictures from before we met he would use, so it was evidence of an old profile.
It's a weird one that isn't popular here, known for scamming and bots and he says he knows he signed up for it about 6 years ago which is what the website said.

It's also a pay to use one but sign up free so you can't do much on it. DP would never pay for dating - I'm certain of that. I also am in charge of all his finances (accountant) and so I know where he spends all his money.

I'm inclined to believe it's just an old profile as nothing suggests he's used it. Especially the picture, I've never even seen it, it's so old. He's a good looking person and peaked after that photo so if he wanted attention he'd definitely use a newer one. Even ones before we met are better.

So am I being stupid to believe it's an old undeleted and barely used profile?

I am an anxious person as ex cheated and lied. I've always been suspicious of DP but in a way I am of anyone.

OP posts:

Wildorchidz · 31/10/2019 15:59

I also am in charge of all his finances (accountant) and so I know where he spends all his money
Does he know you are watching all his spending? What about if he uses cash?

I've always been suspicious of DP but in a way I am of anyone.

This is not healthy for either of you. Do you constantly monitor his phone and social media interaction as well ?

ExcitedForFuture · 31/10/2019 15:59

He showed you straight away. You logged on and it said it was from 6 year ago he signed up and it was an old photo.

Not seeing the issue here.

dontgobaconmyheart · 31/10/2019 16:26

Why does he need you to take charge of his finances and watch everything he spends OP? My DP is an accountant but does not do this- in fact I am probably better at it than he is so tend to do most of what goes on in our joint account.

Unless you run a business and are doing your taxes etc being an accountant really has nothing to do with managing your own wages surely, it's hardly a military operation.

The email sounds like nothing, he must not have deleted the profile at the time so much as just stopped using it or he wouldn't be on a list of contact able addresses. He showed you straight away so it hardly smacks of dishonesty. And after all you are monitoring his spending so closely you would know if he were paying anything right...

Not sure the monitoring has anything to do with your profession OP but instead has to do with feeling comfort in the fact that if you see what he's doing he 'can't cheat' and a sense of having some control over paranoia/insecurity. People can cheat without using a credit card, if you don't trust him then you need to deal with why that is. If he's done nothing, then it's you.

Original poster

pepperminttea7 · 31/10/2019 16:27

@Wildorchidz he has always just asked me to monitor them, I download transactions, assign and produce spreadsheets on spending to then assign money to investments, bills etc. He's part self employed so has to do a tax assessment which I do for him. We are both transparent with our spending.

I understand my anxiety isn't healthy which is why I'm here to ask if you would believe your DP in this situation or if you think it's sketchy

OP posts:

lyingwanker · 31/10/2019 16:30

I'm sorry but your monitoring of his spending in such detail with spreadsheets etc is very controlling. If roles were reversed here people would also be saying it's abusive!

On the dating thing, I'm probably the wrong person to offer advice because I've recently kicked my husband out for being on dating sites. He also used a photo from 6 years ago as his profile pictures.

HollowTalk · 31/10/2019 16:33

Except the OP has said that he's happy with her dealing with their finances.

HollowTalk · 31/10/2019 16:35

I would think it was an old profile and that the dating site was trying to drum up interest by faking the fact someone was interested in him.

There was a woman on here a few years ago who worked for some dating sites and her job was to make men think they were interested in them to make them sign up for full membership, before disappearing into the ether.

FavouriteSoul · 31/10/2019 16:37

Not sketchy in the slightest. He showed you immediately. If he was still active on the dating site, he'd have blustered and bluffed his way out of it. Relax. Trust the man.

FabbyChix · 31/10/2019 16:42

I’d definitely consider it old and unused it’s well obvious he isn’t on it

mindutopia · 31/10/2019 16:51

I don’t think anything sounds suspicious about that. I still get emails from a dating site I used years ago. I’ve been with my dh 11 years so we’re talking from the mid ish naughties! I tried to contact them to delete my profile but I didn’t have the password anymore and even the forgot password process didn’t work. They were a real PITA about it. Eventually gave up! The best I’ve been able to do was send the emails permanently to spam. It would probably look dodgy if my dh didn’t obviously know I surely wasn’t out there trying to be on a dating site (I don’t even live in the same country anymore though!).

So that by itself wouldn’t worry me.

Rubyabbot · 01/11/2019 07:07

Hi. I understand your concerns. I'd happily message him on this dating site for you and see if he replies. That way you might know if he is using it now? I've been in this same situation and he was using it.

PaterPower · 01/11/2019 07:18

My DP (female, I’m male) gets spammed constantly by dating sites she used before we got together many years ago.

I know I’ve still got a profile on at least one which I can’t get closed and I get spam from that. Not often, but enough to be annoying.

Neither of us fuss about it because we trust each other. Which makes me ask why he bothered to show you the email - I wouldn’t and nor would my DP as it’s just not “newsworthy.” Does he know you don’t trust him, to the point where he feels he has to prove himself all the time? In which case it can’t be much of a relationship for him.

Chewysmum · 01/11/2019 07:57

I think it sounds innocent tbh, it doesn't sound like he is a man with secrets to me. I think the only problem is your reaction to something so mundane, I think maybe you should think about a therapist? If I could afford it I'd be using one myself

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