Mum has failed to make us a good family

[Allthecake89]

Hi everyone. I'm writing this message as this morning I feel more ashamed of my family than I usually do. My mum is 67 and has had so many hip ops done over the years she's spent alot of time at home. Until the last ten years she choose to just go into town once a week. When we were kids and she could walk fine she didn't bother taking us anywhere. We very much amused ourselves apart from a couple of days out in the summer. I don't think my mum ever took us for a nice walk or to the park. None of this should be an issue but she also didn't believe in warmth and cuddles and she never was approachable when you needed a cry. She is completely shut down when it comes to emotion. In certain situations she can sympathise. Not usually when it's one of us 4 daughters though. Examples are. I had a miscarriage at six weeks. She told me it probably was a heavy period and people these days are silly with the fuss they make over these things. Lucky her that she had four babies and never had a loss. She really struggles to understand people having funerals etc for losses under nine months. It's like she can't accept people can feel pain and misery in alot of situations. Now I know she maybe was brought up to "get on with it" but being raised by someone like this has affected me as an adult.

This morning I called my sister. She was at my mum's house. When they are together they just take the pee out of everyone and you can't talk to them without them butting in to take the pee. I am having someones child after school today. The reason being she's being induced and has nobody to help her at all. This family are Muslim. I have no religion what's so ever but we get along and her child is adorable and more than welcome at mine. I've just had to listen to my sister taking the mick about what food I can give this child and maybe I could set up a business to have people's kids whilst they pop out some more. I tried to say its sad because the dad isn't able to be at the birth due to no childcare. With that she said yeah yeah I bet he don't want to be there more like. Honestly I felt like I was talking to a pair of ignorant pigs.

I also feel my mum doesn't like my personality. She's never said it but we see things so differently and i know she judges me because my kids have more toys and clothes than we had. She thought I was mad taking them on holiday the last couple of years. We never had holidays. This is exactly why I want mine to have them. We stay in the UK we tend to go to the south coast and it's so beautiful there.

I am struggling to word this properly but I will try..... I feel like she favours my sister. She's the 3rd daughter and a year older than me. Out of all four of us she's been the one who's always struggled. She had a teen pregnancy. She needed alot of help when that relationship failed. They paid for baby items and court cases for her many times. She's in a better relationship now and has another child but they live in a messy filthy house. There were times I could tell my sister was treating her eldest unfairly. When he was about 7 she would send him to his room and shout at him for nothing. She admitted to me at one point she didn't bond with him like her youngest. All this made me angry but I supported her. She's better with him now but her and her partner waste money on everything (£80 a month on coca cola) fags, macdonalds. My parents buy her kids uniforms and stuff every year. Not a penny was given to my child when she started. When I was pregnant with my second son I was being sick and felt awful for four months. Taking care of my toddler was my priority. Mum had one of her ops at the same time. She had three people helping her whilst dad was at work. I got a dig from my dad saying I was the only one who hadn't helped. I wasn't asked to help. I figured they had alot of people helping already. Also I'd have a two year old to watch at the same time as doing chores for them. I would of done it if I was able to. I often ring up my mum to see if we can pop round for a coffee. She often says she has a phone call or she's busy. It always seems like excuses for someone who is home alot. Yet she never acts like there's an issue if she rings me or whatever. My dad moans eventually if he hasn't seen the kids for ages but neither of them ever invite us for tea etc. My sister goes up every Sunday with her's and they get fed and a lift home. It's like she always gets it right and I never can. She's up there today cleaning their house for them. My parents have a really tidy house. I live down the road and if they needed the cupboards cleaning etc why would they not ask me? They've asked my sister who lives the other side of town.

I look at this situation and think for years we've all gone to them. They never come to any of us. They have a car and freedom and the weekends. They still don't contact us. They never take our kids anywhere or offer them to go for tea. They have never bent over backwards for me unless it's a very extreme situation. Like when I gave birth or when my son was ill in hospital. Other than that they'd not even ask if I needed anything from the shop. I'm getting to the point where I think what's the point. They are not putting any effort in with us. My kids are little and they don't seem to want to soak them in.

My mum is unhealthy. They way she sees things. The way she judges. Having four children and being so uncomfortable with affection she's knocked all of our confidences. She writes harsh things on Facebook. She is constantly whinging if someone uses her drive to turn around. She recently told me I was a saddo for being excited for a Primark trip. Yet she's never been on holiday, never shopped in another town and stays in the same routine even to making my dad's lunch at 3pm for the next day. She has hardly any friends. She likes modern music and films and has Facebook. She tries to dress nice but rants about the fashion and drags us all into it. She's made comments on my thighs and stuff more times than I want to remember. She is so negative and constantly interupts me when I'm speaking.

This post could go on for days. I'm so sorry its long and negative. The problem is... My mum's getting old. I feel unsupported. I feel angry that my mum can't be cultured and kind. I wish I could change her but I can't. I have no control over how she sees things. It's just so hard to feel happy and work out where I belong? How do you raise your kids knowing that their family are never going to give them that time they deserve. How do you move on and accept you don't have a mum that will be there for you? Do I need therapy? Shouldn't mums want to be part of your life? She claims she loves the kids. So why doesn't she come to ours in a taxi. Get herself out abit? Spend a day with us? Why doesn't she want these things? Yet if I dont put effort in and I'll be the one who's blamed for not trying. I am just so tired of it all. I let them meet my kids first when they were born. I've gone to them every Christmas whilst my partner's parents are alone Christmas day. Why should I? If I had known how little they would try with my kids id of stopped trying years ago. What would you do? If you have read all this thank you. X

I'm sorry to hear you are having such a hard time with your family. You have acknowledged the fact that as much as you'd like to, you can't change the way they are. So how would you like to proceed? I think the best thing for now might be to take a step back from the situation and think about what is best for you going forward. Could you speak to them about how you feel?

You sound so sad and hurt. I'm so sorry that your mother cannot be there for you and I'm so very sorry about your loss. You sound heartbroken.

Your mother is never going to be there for you as it sounds as though she is simply incapable of it. I don't know why. I can't answer that question for you and I doubt she knows herself and really, it doesn't matter. I understand the very real pain you feel does matter but why she is like this doesn't because the end result is the same.

We get to a certain point in our lives where we have to just accept the fact that our mothers (mine is the same) cannot be the people we need them to be. You are like a dog chasing its own tail trying to get her to behave in a loving, warm, maternal way. She is never going to be that person for you.

You might find this NHS page helpful on miscarriage as it gives the details of several organisations that offer help, support and counselling.

I think you might find counselling helpful in order to process these feelings. There are other things you can do for yourself such as looking after yourself, nurturing yourself and giving yourself all the unconditional love you didn't receive growing up. You're not doing anything wrong, there is nothing you can do to change the situation and it's time to stop trying.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/miscarriage/afterwards/

The link doesn't work for some reason in my first post.

I know exactly how you feel - I come from a similar family background and it is very hard to understand Mothers like yours and mine. Many times when I have needed comfort my brain has screamed "I want my Mum"....but not the Mum I actually have if you see what I mean?

Be kind to yourself OP...I wish I had advise to offer you, but I have not yet succeeded in coming to terms with my position (or lack of it) in my birth family.

It really sounds like you have a hard time with your family. I don’t really have any advice I’m afraid but feel there are lots of similarities to my relationship with my mum.

My mum is not at all demonstrative and never has been, I suspect she has always struggled with an undiagnosed depression of some sort. She never seems happy unless she is moaning about someone, usually my brothers wife. Have you asked her why she is unhappy, perhaps she is jealous of your life? Maybe just like me your mum has some form of depression or anxiety? Could explain the routine and. Never going many places etc?

op I can really sympathise and understand alot of what you've written......I love my mum to bits but she has had a very different and much closer relationship with my older sister,who like yours had a teenage pregnancy and my mum and dad both helped her no end babysitting,buying clothes,handouts etc etc almost like they were compensating her or something for her situation? always telling my sister how nice she looked when she was dressed casual and didn't say anything to me when I was dressed up and when I confronted my mum about it she said you always look nice but your sister needs the compliments/boost! it was a real struggle and affected my relationship with my mum and sis because they were like 2 peas in a pod and I was like the odd 1 out? many differences, they both smoke (i dont) they have same beliefs and interests and mine differ....many years on now and it still goes on but.... I have invested my time in my own family so it doesn't matter or bother me as much now! I have 3 children (4th on the way) a loving husband and they are mine and I love and treat them all the same! my kids tell me I'm the best mum ever and that is the very best feeling in the world! yes I don't unfortunately have the picture perfect relationship with my own mum but I will certainly have it with my own daughter and sons! my advise to you is to step back from the dramas and busy your thoughts with your own family bubble.....keep a relationship with your mum/family if you can, although I didn't speak to my mum for a year because of a fallout which involved my sis but eventually time was a healer and I wanted my kids to know their grandparents so it's worked it's way out in the end but I've had to accept the type of relationship I've got and stop expecting,wanting or pushing for more...enjoy your own life your creating and don't let negativity affect you

That all sounds so sad and upsetting, op. One thing is easily sorted and that is Christmas. Spend it with your DP's family for a change.

I can relate so much to your post. I have just returned from my quarterly visit to the house I grew up in. Constant criticism, constant telling me what to do, constant reminders of things I was bad at as a kid. We were never given opportunities, days out, memories. It seemed the idea of parenting was to keep us alive - the basics but none of the extras, no warmth, no support, no encouragement.

During our visit, it was apparent my DC was upset about something. I bent down and hugged DC asking what was wrong but DC wouldn’t say. So I kept hugging and asking at which my father got annoyed and said ‘they said nothings wrong so that’s that’. Shortly after DC told me what was troubling them It made me sad to think I was often that upset child who nobody ever bothered to figure out why.

We grew up and left home and most of the family don’t speak to one another anymore. The foundations were not built when we were children so after a few cracks, they came tumbling down quickly.

You won’t change them. While you are deeply affected, the best thing you can do imo is reduce contact and concentrate on your own family and build very solid foundations so history doesn’t repeat itself.

it's a very sad situation for you. I agree you should take a step back. look to your own life and find and make more happiness there. accept that occasionally feel sad about your mum and birth family. let it only be occasionally. absolutely get therapy/councilling to help.

@RowenaMud I feel like you have written exactly how my heart feels. That's exactly how my dad would respond if I kept asking my child if they were ok. They don't seem to understand that children can have anxiety and emotions like the rest of us. It's sad to think we never got that sort of attention when we felt sad.

I also related so much to what you said about keeping us Alive and not giving us any opportunities. This is exactly how I feel again. I have had to learn to do the most simple things as an adult like order food in a pub or catch a train. Booking our first holiday three years ago was massive. My mum very much thinks alot of things are not needed. Children don't need days out. Children don't need birthday parties. Children don't need treats. She doesn't see the point in baby groups etc. She calls it over stimulating a baby taking it to a baby group. I feel like we have experienced similar things. How did your mum react to things in your pregnancy?

@cheesewitheverything
I have invited the in-laws over this year. So I agree Christmas can be different this year.

@lovebeingmum9
That is exactly how it has always been with my sister. When my nephew was born mum would pick him up outfits when she was out shopping. Apart from Christmas and birth my kids have never had a random outfit given. I know full well my parents are giving my nephew a chunk of money for his ski trip next year. He deserves it and is a lovely 13 year old but I bet they don't ever offer my kids money for trips etc. I wish I could hear a compliment too. My mum's more likely to say you are always buying something new than that tops nice. It's hardly fair that the child who did things a little more sensibly should get less compliments etc. That's what is hurtful. It's like constantly rewarding the ones who made bad choices. If I rang my parents up and said I can't afford my son's nappies this week they would be disgusted at me. It's complicated when you want your kids to have grandparents isn't it.

@cupcaske123

Thanks for your reply. Im sorry your mum is also like this. It's so hard to understand it when you look at your own kids and can't imagine not hugging them or being kind. I look to the future and I really hope we can be a supportive family who look out for eachother. I hope I can help my kids with their kids and careers. I hope they always want to come home for tea and will call in most weeks for a quick chat if nothing else.

Thanks to everyone who has replied. It is sadly a thing that exists isn't it. It feels like everyone around me has a loving supportive mum and it makes my heart ache. It makes me feel like I don't belong sometimes and almost ashamed to think I wish I had someone to take care of me abit more. I don't think my mum was ever broody either. I think she had kids for her partner's. I think in hindsight she was not cut out to be a mum and has forced herself to get on with it. She never dreamt of the future and the relationships we could of all had with her. I sometimes think id of gone to medical school and trained to be a nurse if I had had confidence and encouragement. I sometimes feel it's her fault I never found my feet when it came to what I wanted.

Your mum is who she is.
You can't change the past. I used to blame my mum but as I got older, I understood more. I suppose I grew up and took responsibility for my lot in life as an adult.

How much do you know about your mum and her life?

Probably the only thing you can do is learn to forgive her for not being the mum you wanted and learn to love her for the mum that she is.

React to my pregnancies? Nothing. I was not congratulated and it was not commented on. They don’t have any interest whatsoever in my children. None. Im not sure they can tell them apart despite them being very different. For some reason one parent likes one of my children more to the extent they will offer one a biscuit but not the other one. (I only have two children!).

I lost a baby and was told it was my own fault for not being a good person! I wish I could say I was making that up. I wouldn’t even have mentioned it to them except they rang me after it had just happened and I could not hold it together and have the usual conversation about the most mundane things. Otherwise I wouldn’t have told them as I know they wouldn’t be in the least bit supportive.

How do you raise your kids knowing that their family are never going to give them that time they deserve. How do you move on and accept you don't have a mum that will be there for you? Do I need therapy?

These are all excellent questions and a sign that you are emotionally literate (unlike your mum). It is worth pondering these at length, I have been no contact with my own mum for two and a half years now and I am still thinking about these issues. I am still grieving that I had to make the choice to go NC for my own sanity.
I had therapy and it was crucial for me, I would strongly advocate getting some, make sure your therapist is someone you feel comfortable with and someone who understands the dynamics in a toxic parent/child relationship, that is to say, understands that not all parents are wonderful and supports you in stepping away from yours if you need to.
I actually think therapy could revolutionise your life. I wish you so much luck. My mum is identical to yours except I was an only child. Have a look on the many Stately Homes threads on here, there are lots of people who have gone through this.

I should add that I wasn’t even the smallest amount of trouble as a child or teen. I was afraid of my own shadow so where the not good enough person came from is truly ridiculous and not worth even pondering. I was the quietest dullest child in the world!

Thanks for the replies. I often think when my kids get older and I have headspace it would be so good to get it all off my chest to someone. I feel like it may appear there's nothing wrong as ive been looked after.

I have tried to understand my mum and the way she was raised. Sometimes I can sympathise with the fact she had bad hips from being a child and missed out! I have sort of worked out there is a chance she has put her guard up over the years to protect herself from the fact she had a medical problem and couldn't run or ride a bike like other kids. That said she went out dancing in her teens and twenties. She had two children in her late teens. Remarried and had me and my sister in her 30s. There was a huge chunk of her life where she could of done more walking and taking us places.

I look back to my childhood and my teen years and it jumps out at me how I preferred to stay at friends houses. I found their mums more kind and fun. I felt they took me under their wing. I had a friend from aged 7 at primary that I was always with. We were never apart. Best friends.her mum would let us camp in her garden or let me have tea. I literally became apart of her family. All her aunt's and uncles had me aswel as my friend around their houses. It was my friends mum who took me fishing, took me to the local carnival, took us to town, let us have water fights. I loved my friend's birthday as she was allowed a party in the garden. I was always allowed around early to play on the bouncy castle.

When I got to secondary school I had a best friend from year 8-11. Again I preferred her house to mine. Her mum would make us bacon toasties in the morning and was always warm and kind to me. She always used to hug my friend and I always thought she was a lovely kind mum.

Looking back on all this it's because my m and dad were boring, more strict, not prepared to do random things so we could have fun. I often wonder now as an adult if these adults noticed how it was for me and did they think my mum didn't bother much with me?

As much as I try and take on board my mum's fitness was not as great as the average person. She could of still bonded with us. Even with a cuppa and a chat. By giving us a hug. By talking about what we could of done when we left school. My whole life has been for her convenience. She couldn't be bothered to do me a party or take me trick or treating. She didn't want to do anything fun really. Whilst kids don't need money throwing at them I know there are plenty of things you can do for kids that are free or cheap! Just different walks and parks. Just chatting and playing a game.

She did confess to me once she never wanted any kids but her husband's did. I think she just did it to make her partner's happy. Obviously she's not evil. In some ways I wonder if she didn't experience anything herself and is clueless to what's out there. I do understand there are more things now like baby groups etc. I know social media etc helps us as mums feel less alone. We are able to arrange things easier now because we can end up chatting to someone we sort of know and become friends through FB etc. I try and take on board all these things but when it comes down to facts the desire was never there and it's left us all thinking her behaviour is ok, acceptable and normal. Somehow she's managed to hide it from my aunties and cousins etc. I don't know for sure if they all are fooled. I'm sure that they see how she takes the pee out of us on Facebook etc and they probably note she's not affectionate etc. My aunties all tell their kids they are beautiful and stuff quite openly. I always think to myself I hope mum will read that and see that's how people treat their kids even as adults. But she never realises instead she moans about how pathetic it all is. I try and understand why she wouldn't want plans with us and is happy alone with nothing much happening other than her weekly trip to Asda.

Today she has been to watch my sisters kids play sport with my dad. I feel once again like it's us that always get forgotten about. I know I could try and go up there on a Saturday around their shopping day but I feel it's such a small window and isn't that convenient to us as we go swimming etc. Plus the lack of offers to go up.

I think I do need therapy one day. The only way I can explain how she makes me feel is like I'm stupid and nieve. If I try and speak to another adult Infront of her maturely she will say oh ark and you or just belittle me. She tries to make it into humour but I'm hardly going to start laughing my head off at sarcasm. Thanks for all the replies. It's good to know I'm not alone and it happens to others. X