Trapped in marriage with nice man

[Bigpaintinglittlepainting]

Who despite being really nice drives me insane, I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship and my mother is a narcissist so I know that in comparison he is a wonderful wonderful man. But !

Doesn’t listen to me, we can have a king discussion about how we are going to deal with something and then when it comes to it he does the usual, inaction and passive response. Usually to do with his family.

He doesn’t look after himself, hair cuts are infrequent and he’s balding so it looks great when he has a hair cut but then leaves it and leaves it until it looks ridiculous. Clothes are the same, scruffy old t shirts.

He smells and so I don’t want to cuddle him in bed, not that we share a bed due to his fucking constant snoring.

God he’s driving me mad with all these silly things that shouldn’t matter, but do.

It’s hard to keep a marriage going when he only tries when he thinks I’m really unhappy and shouty.

Rant over

He doesn't sound that nice to me - just perhaps less worse than you are used to.

Not listening to you is abusive.

Not washing and taking care of himself is bone fucking lazy and would repulse me.

He is not as nice as you are trying to make yourself think.

He’s not abusive he’s stuck in a pattern of trying to please everyone and not standing up for himself. Which invariably means we get stuck arguing about the same things.

He’s a teacher and we have had arguments over the years about how if I was a colleague at work he would take my opinion on board as fact whereas with me he doesn’t listen. That’s fucking annoying but not abusive.

He washes every morning but by bedtime stinks, he has occasionally washed before bed but I would have to ask him, I can’t be arsed to ask a grown man to wash his arm pits

Every time anyone says anything slightly negative on here some idiot pipes up with 'abuse'

OP you're not happy. You don't have to justify yourself in order to leave him.
You've had numerous conversations about him not listening and he still chooses not to listen. That's disrespectful.

Have you told him about the hygiene issues?
Has he tried to do anything about the snoring?

Yes we have talks and then it happens again but I guess that’s just who he is. A nice man with some super annoying habits.

He has an appointment with a consultant in January about the snoring after a decade of listening to him I finally chucked him out of bed and said I’m not sleeping with him anymore and then he went to the gp.

It all erodes the love you had for them

You don't have to stay just because he's nice. You can leave because it's Thursday, because he sores, or for no reason at all.

So true, but difficult when you have children to prioritise yourself.

Can you site snoring on the divorce papers

Sorry the snoring I could live with and do with ear plugs but BO. No fucking way. Never. DH washes before bed but the slightest hint of meerkat and he's told. He hates being told but it's tough.

Hygiene I'm pretty sure you can.

To be honest he may be nice in many ways but being so passive with his family and the lack of hygiene would be very hard to cope with.

Get him to start trimming arm pit hair and use roll on mitchum deodorant. Say its not negotiable!

I don't think armpit hair affects body odor much. Regular showering, changing clothes and using deodorant would.

It would yes, the problem is that you can say it to him and it changes for a bit but overall the years I’ve been with him that’s who his is.

There’s lots of ways to fix it and when he thinks I’m going to leave him he does big gestures and then it slips back into the usual story.

It’s so boring and off putting, I swear to god if someone said to me once I would think about it and do something. It would affect me, it doesn’t seem to occur to him that he needs to keep himself looking presentable for me. He’s finally booked in a haircut today despite me saying for a fortnight, they even have evening appointments. There’s no excuse.

Arm pit hair stops normal deodorant getting to the skin where it's needed. If he's very hairy and uses a spray deodorant it's not even worth putting any on as it's like he's just spraying his t shirt. Trust me, we made the change when we were dating....never looked back. Trimmed hair and roll on which reaches the skin works.

It kind of sounds like you settled for him because he was nice, and not abusive like previous guys. But it seems like you're not attracted to him at all, and I can totally understand that with the whole smelly, scruffy thing going on, and the people pleasing. I'm not really sure what the answer is, but he's the only person that can change that stuff.. and only if he really wants to.

It doesn't sound like you are compatible.

I actually feel a bit sorry for him. He washes (showers?) every day which is normal and some times more, has anyone other than you ever mentioned he smells? He wears the clothes he wants to - you say they are scruffy - are they dirty? or just not smart enough for you?
You don't like his hair cut and think he looks terrible. He might be happy enough and is an adult who can choose his own hair cut.
You kicked him out of his bed because he snores.
You don't think he takes your opinion as fact or does what you think he should regarding his family. Maybe since they are his family he wants to deal with them his own way.

It's obviously frustrating for you and I can understand communicating to him your opinion. But that said I don't think it's ok to tell another adult how to dress, cut their hair, how often to wash and how to speak to their own family, so once you've given your opinion then either you accept he doesn't agree or just leave.

Personal hygiene (or lack there of) is a dealbreaker in some relationships. If he’s not looking after himself then it’s no surprise you’re not interested in him sexually or otherwise! You need to tell him exactly how you feel because otherwise it will drive an even bigger wedge between you (until you leave him!)

Well yes you all right, I have hinted loads. He’s a man in his own right and I’m sure he could sort himself out if he wanted to. If fact I bet my bottom dollar he would if we split up would meet someone else very quickly!

Any way thank you for listening to my rant.