Husband expectations

[Mammamia100]

Hi have no one to talk to as I’m embarrassed by my husbands attitude towards me. I’m 7 weeks PP and have mainly got my body back. I gained stretch marks late in my pregnancy (38 weeks 😬) and these are the only things really that remain. My husband seems to have gone off me. He works away and the marks have faded since he’s been gone. He returned today and I showed him my tummy and said they had faded - his response was ‘they’re still there though aren’t they?’. Way to make me feel crap! I feel like he expects me to be perfect.
He also does things that annoy me with the baby - says she’s just whinging when she’s upset instead of working out what’s wrong with her, says he won’t ‘dance’ if she’s grouchy just sits with her on him expecting her to stop crying. He wiggles her bottle around in her mouth to make her take it. He’s been away a month - she does not need the bottle wiggling to take it! Walks into the bedroom when I’m trying to put her to sleep and turns on the light...
I’m lay in bed feeling angry and annoyed. He doesn’t seem to be making an effort to keep our relationship happy and healthy anymore.
Please don’t just comment saying he sounds like an idiot - he definitely does but I’m not about to walk out over his behaviour. We had a great marriage before this, and have been together for almost 9 years. I don’t want his attitude to split us up.

I know you don’t want to leave but I would definitely develop an exit plan. Even if you don’t use it, it will make you feel stronger and put you in a better position

I’d suggest counselling to him. Make it clear that things need to change and that a third party can help the both of you come up with strategies that work for both of you. Then go to counselling. If he refuses go alone. Again it will give you strength.

Take action now before things get entrenched

Stop being so passive - tell him post pregnancy bodies change and if he can't handle that then he's a child who needs to grow up
As for your baby, tell him ffs - DH don't come in when I'm settling her (you bloody idiot)---- she'll never go off to sleep

You need to grow yourself a bit of a backbone I think, you're being a bit wet

Does he have any visible scars? Point these out to him and tell him to get rid. Tell him to wiggle a fork in his mouth and see how well he can eat. When he is asleep walk in and turn the light on. Better yet shine a flashlight in his face. Tell him your baby cant communicate, the crying is communication. It's up to the parents to figure out what that is. He needs a taste of his own medicine. I'm hoping you have a spoon big enough to give it to him.

Be careful what you tolerate, you are teaching him how you are prepared to be treated.

Right.

1. He said something literal...men often do! That doesn't in any way mean he's gone off you! It was a bit dim but probably truthful - the stretch marks are fading...tbh I expect he really doesn't notice them like you do!
2. You are 7 weeks pp and he's been away for a month - you are FULL of hormonal change and have been amazing at coping with a very young baby without your partner. You've developed and learned strategies to cope with the hard early weeks of having a new baby.
3. You partner hasn't done the above - he doesn't know what to do and whilst many well say he's got to learn sharpish (yes he has) he also needs to be cut some slack too - working away, being responsible for providing for his new family also puts lots of pressure on him. Maybe, bonding it isn't coming naturally to him? Again working away won't be helping that. Ask him if he needs a little coaching, if he doesn't realise that actually he has to learn his own way to do things.

Communicate and compromise. This is the only way solve these things and realise that this is a hard time for both of you. Be kind to each other and don't look for the faults! Good luck and congratulations!

He’s been away a month. When he left you were 2 weeks post partum. It sounds as if perhaps he expected to come back and you to be recovered and as happy to see him as in the past pre baby.

Maybe he is actually struggling being away from your dd and his reaction is to sabotage his or your relationship with her and ensure he doesn’t get attached to her. The stretch marks could also be wrapped in that. Otoh he may equally be a selfish arse, who is showing how shallow he is.

Have a think about why your relationship worked up til now, think about your / his behaviour and dynamic between you. Having children puts a lot of pressure on relationships without the complication of being apart for prolonged periods. Then talk to him. Try not to be judgmental in case he is struggling rather than an arse. Ask him what he thinks treating you and your dd like this will achieve rather than why he is doing something.

Thank you all for replying. He’s not struggling, really loves her and does help out. It’s just certain parts of his attitude I would love to change. He is a bit abrupt and doesn’t always think of how someone would feel - a bit too honest. The bottle thing I spoke about and he was straight against me, but I mentioned it again later and he listened more so we’ll see. It is a case of settling back into life after he’s been at work, especially now with the baby it’s even more different. I just don’t want our marriage to suffer, I am struggling to have conversations that don’t revolve around our little one. We used to laugh a minute and that’s changed, I can’t remember what was so funny before. That makes me upset to think that way.

He doesn't know how to parent her, show him and let him learn. Hormones are high at the moment, don't make rash decisions

Stand up for yourself! When he says something like that say “well thanks for pointing that out and making me feel like crap” it sounds like you’ve never done that before and now maybe you are seeing him for who he really is

My lovely SIL was determined to be the best mum she could be when she had her kids and to her that meant doing everything for the babies while still treating BIL like a king with dinner on the table etc. and when Number 2 child came along unsurprisingly BIL was useless at taking care of either of them because she never let him/made him (I'm not sure which it was really). Encourage him with her, stand up for yourself if he says anything that you disagree with/think is unkind. Get through the first 6 months before you make any decisions as life really does get easier for both parents once the newborn stage is out of the way.