Passive agressive christmas presents

[AwakeandResentful]

This is an odd post. It is 1am and I'm laying in bed unable to sleep. I've been with my husband for 13 years, married for 10.

18 months ago I found out that he was having a relationship that was outside of the norm for our marriage - sat next to and worked with this woman for 2 yrs and shared a job, but he kept her a secret. Turns out they saw themselves as 'special friends'. An emotional affair in all likelihood.

He was a loving, generous and kind husband. He went above and beyond with very thoughtful gifts and not always limited to birthdays and anniversaries - just little things here and there. For some stupid reason I cant sleep as I keep running over xmas day 2018. I find his gifts passive agressive in hindsight, but I'm not his biggest fan nowadays. Normally, I'd say that a gift is someone thinking of you and would be happy for it. Not this time, and Im stuck between feeling spoilt and entitled vs feeling stung by what feel like low blows. Ive asked him and he got upset, saying he put a lot of thought into the gifts and only meant them kindly.
Gifts were: nice ipad cover for my work ipad (many chats that year about me wanting to resign as hated job where expected to be tethered like a goat 24 hrs a day to emails, I worked long hours and he knew I hated that bloody ipad), marie kondo book on organising/cleaning (?), a pink trowel for the garden (he resented gardening in new house, big space, I wanted the bigger garden) and lingerie (having asked him to stop buying for me as it was piling up in drawer).

I get that this is an odd Q, at a silly time, but Im trying to understand what the hell happened to my marriage and this day keeps popping up in my head and making me feel furious.

Am I going nuts, am I being entitled, or are these presents passive agressive? I'd like your 2am views! Thanks.

Op he sounds very similar to my exh. Lots of female friends, didn't tell me things because I'd be jealous or get the wrong end of the stick.

I endured years of gas lighting and later found out he'd had at least 2 full on affairs.

I think you need to seriously consider leaving him

Why don’t you give yourself a lovely xmas present and kick him out. If you take back control of your life you’ll feel much happier. He’s led you a lie for lots of years. You don’t really know him at all do you. You’ve been married to a fantasy. He’s been disrespecting you every day he’s at work and indulging in his little EAs. What a prick.

Thays what I cant get my head around. To me, so many secret friendshios with female colleagues reflects on a wider pattern of behaviour. Whilst no one particular friendship over the years may have been anything other than coffee in work kitchen and a mild flirt, or even just plain friendship, the secrecy has mushroomed it up into something I cant accept.

If you remove the EA bit from the last woman (and she and he vehemently deny it wad an EA), all I have to end my marriage on is a weird pattern of secret behaviour woth women. It reflects on his insecurity and need for validation. For me, it reflecys that he thought I wasnt enough. We have 3 young kids and Im locked in conflict with myself as it doesnt seem 'enough' to end things. I feel traumatised and want to curl into my shell until the storm passes. I know I cant.

How hard was it for you to move on?

He treats my views on this as ridiculous and stonewalls me re talking about it. Now Im not sure if I am being ridiculous and oversensitive or if he has betrayed our marriage with this pattern of behaviour. I feel betrayed. He kept this behaviour secret so must have know it was a problem. We go round and round in circles with escalating fights and anger. I want to separate, but I also cant let go of the life we had and the marriage I thought we had. I'm so frustrated with myself and worry about how this affects the kids.

Hello Op

You poor thing. I can see why this is spiralling in your mind.

I personally have friendships with men in the office that mean nothing to me other than friends. By DP knows i go for lunch with "Paul" regularly and that "Paul" is married with children. He also knows this man occassionally texts "Miss you" if im out of the office etc. But i have explained to DP he is a flamboyant type but there is nothing going on (There isnt, never will be, neither side see it as sexual)

However, his wife doesn't know he has a few female friendships at work of a similar nature... and they are ALL platonic... but he knows she wouldnt stand for it. So he just doesn't tell her to save the agro. And nobody else in the office friendship groups bats an eyelid. He does it to protect her from unneccassary and pointless distress. He talks about her all the time with joy and love...

It could just be that, OP.

I think what is happening is you KNOW he feels things are missing (Intimacy) in your relationship, he has made that clear in his silly man way, and you need to address this with him. Say you know he needs more and what can you do? Get a babysitter... give each other massages.... reconnect physically.
Dont want to do that? Its over OP but not because of passive agressive Christmas Presents.

If its any consolation, i once received a set of kitchen knives. That was it. I wondered if they were for stabbing him with... (We broke up shortly thereafter)

It's good to let it all out OP but you have obviously realised you no longer have feelings for him and don't even like him anymore so the crux of the matter is why are you with thim then? Nothing will change and what he has done won't change- you can't stay just because you wish none of this were the case. Rolling over and over thede things in your head will make you ill!

Yes he had an EA, no it doesn't matter that he's denying it, still had it, is still a dick.

You don't have any healthy relationship with this man anymore on any count really. I'm not sure the presents matter? If he got a good gift would you want to be with him again . I don't know if they're PA, the Kondo book was a massive bestseller and everywhere so maybe he just picked it up and wasn't putting much thought in full stop. Regardless I think overthinking looking for 'clues' I'd a bit irrelevant when the relationship sounds well and truly over anyway. You are staying for what? Disbelief that it all can be true? Sunk cost fallacy?

I'd consider seeing a counsellor perhaps OP, work through these feelings with them and understand why you feel motivated to stay with someone you don't like or trust anymore. He seems terrible for your self so staying with him will only worsen it.

Theres my confusion - Im not against workplace friendships of any gender, it would be a boring existence otherwise. Im hurt the disrespect ie I dont think you wld like my behaviour so I will just hide it from you rather than discuss it like an adult in a respectful relationship. @BlondeBarnOwl I think your colleagues behaviour towards his wife, as you described it is demeaning. His wife would be likely be humiliated to know how he has represented her as being insecure as opposed to him being disrespectful. Honestly, having been put in this position myself when I wasnt an insecure or needy person, but my husband just wanted to have his cake and eat it, it is dreadfully humiliating and I feel like a fool.

I have always treated colleagues as you do, I am open about socialising with colleagues and my husband would have known about it. This wld give him a chance to object if he felt threatened or needed more info to feel comfortable.