Please give me some clarity

[DontWantToLoseHope]

I don't know why I can put in the whole post here but I will try and add it in paragraphs.

So I need to know about modern etiquette and what’s acceptable in this day, if this is salvageable or if I should rack it up to another failure.

The people in this are me (late 40s), Alan (mid 50s) and Kate (early 40s). It’s a tale and I don’t want to omit stuff that might be relevant so I’m going to include a quick introduction.

He is without children, effectively retired through working crazy hard for 30 years, is active but has no draws on his time apart from things that he wants to do (fitness, lunches with friends, entertaining etc). He has (before me) been effectively single for around 10 years, having spent a fair few of those on the typical dating apps, which is where we met.

I have a daughter (10) that is shared custody between me and ex-partner. We get on fairly well and so we share roughly 50% of her time between us. I also have a typical 9-5 M-F job, so as you can understand, a lot of draws on my time.

Kate is an old work friend of Alan for 20+ years. That’s pretty much all I know.

We have been “an exclusive couple” since January this year, agreed by both of us. We do not live together yet, but we are talking about it. I need to make it clear as well that when we are together, it’s possibly the best relationship I have ever been in. It feels amazing and he says that too.

Now onto the scenario.

One night we were both pretty drunk and I see he gets a text. I know his unlock code (yes this is the bit where I know I have opened pandora’s box) and I unlock it and read it and scroll back a bit. Nothing really jumped out, it’s an old friend (Kate). Now although I was pretty drunk, something in my mind nagged me over the next day or two regarding how they talk together, so (and yes this is wrong but I literally couldn’t help myself), waited for him to be doing something else and scrolled back to January (anything before that I really can’t be judging.. I did have some morals). While I scrolled forward to that day, I video recorded the contents on my phone as I have no idea how to get it off the phone.

Over the next day or two I found time to look back at what I had recorded. I want to ask you how messed up this, if any of there are red lines that are crossed.

So the first thing that hit me was this. We’ve been as a couple since January. We’ve done a lot of nice stuff together, think Henley, Ascot, Wimbledon, opera, ballet, dinners, birthday parties, events, outdoor active things. It really has been an amazing time. For every one of these events, Alan has either texted Kate during or after the event with pictures. But, every description of the event excludes me. Every picture sent were the ones that I took or just the ones I was not in. I felt I basically didn’t exist. Kate knows I do actually exist as Alan’s partner from a message in January saying “.. is not well today”. That’s it.

We have had a number of dinner events inviting various groups of friends. I saw that he invited her to two of them which are coincidentally the ones that I couldn’t make. Ultimately, she couldn’t attend … but coincidence right?

When he was away to visit family in another city, she was nearby and he texted her to visit him “for support” as he was having a tough time (who doesn’t with family sometimes). She was too busy though at the time.

There was an occasion or two when he was getting ready to go out. He texted her a picture first and then afterwards forwarded them to me. This hurt as I thought - obviously - the picture was for me…

We have pet names for each other (who doesn’t).. What I didn’t know was that one of those pet names is “shared” between Alan and Kate (i.e. Kate calls him that name as well). He has a pet name for her and they joked about having a orgy with “pet name1”s and “pet name2”s. Yeah it’s a joke but.. Anyway still stung a bit.

Kate talked about moving to an area that she jokingly said had escorts nearby. He said she’d
need an agent or pimp and then asked for staff discount.

There’s a bunch of other things as well.. But anyway these ones are the ones that sting.

Obviously when I found out about all of this, it took me a day or two to let it sink in and we had a blazing row about it. He says he’s never been disloyal ever (although I do know he was once about 10 years ago). He also said that “what he texts to who is none of my business”. He’s changed the pin on his phone recently, although if I am blunt I never intend to even touch it again. I asked if we could go to couples counselling and he is adamant to not go as we haven’t even been with each other for a year yet.

I would love to know if there is any hope for this whatsoever.

To me it sounds like they are just friends .. you have to remember they've known eachother over 20 years OP. . I know the chat about an orgy and stuff like that is weird but chit chat like this can also be a factor of someone's personality , I would come out with something like that and actually not even mean anything by it , I would think I'm just being Hilarious , even though it might not seem too hilarious to someone else . At the moment I think you should try and settle your mind ,I feel like you would've seen more evidence that what you have done... I think you may be just slightly paranoid at the minute and are latching on to any possible sign at all.

It's maybe a tiny bit flirty so far, but if those were the only 2 or 3 examples in 8 months it'd seem fairly harmless.

'There’s a bunch of other things as well.'

Please go on....

Well, she's not interested in more than a friendship but he fancies her - you are still quite new to him and he possibly is still in the process of seeing where the r-ship goes, whereas he's still attached to her more emotiomally.
Without knowing what your relatiomship is like (not just which events you've been to!). it's hard to tell is you aer wastingyour time. Best scenario is that he still feels she is a friend and familiar and althoug he fancied/s her, he has more serious feelings for you - can't tell from your post. Your post makes him sound keen to keep his disctance emotionally but if one-to-one he's loving and genreally open, then she just be a 'habit' with no threat to you.
I know he said he won't go for couselling but has he reassured you in any way about this? If he's just sulking - not a good sign and maybe he wants to remain a bachelor really. He's not used to answering anyone as he's been habitually single and dating, it takes strong feelings to drop that lifestyle.

sorry for the many typos!

thanks all for your words. They do make me think not all is lost.

I think Alan has two girlfriends

Kate is still his primary attachment, they likely have previous and while she is no longer interested in that way the intimacy remains.
In time it might switch to you and it does sound like he wants it to.. Usually this switch over of the heart happens in private but you saw the texts instead.

You feel unsettled and I would, too.

Alan does have a stronger emotional attachment to Kate. They share a deep intimacy, although her boundary right now is friendship. His behavior suggests that he feels more.

It is troubling that during your dates Alan takes time to send Kate texts/photos which exclude you. He never invites her to any of the dinners or other occasions when you are present. Has he never introduced you? It looks like he doesn’t want her to see the two of you together—in photos or in person. Likewise, you are not mentioned in their messaging. Why isn’t he openly speaking of you in their chats?

I don’t think that Alan is truly emotionally available to you. Perhaps this will change in time, but I wouldn’t wait around to find out.