Debt & Silence

[Turnbacktime101]

Hi. I discovered last night that DH has run up £5k of credit card debt & hid it from me for over a year. I have asked every month for the past 10 months, for him to share his financial position with me but was just ignored.

Three years ago I was forced to take out a £12k loan to pay off his debts & now I’m here again....

Last night I was angry but controlled. Tonight he is ignoring me. Total silence (which is standard for him when we argue).

What else do I need to say? Well, we have a rocky marriage. I earn more. I don’t control his spending. I am defeated.

WTF do I do now?

Why are you taking out loans for him. Leave him to sort his own shut out and until he has to do something himself he will keep on doing it because he knows you will bail him out.

Up to you if you want to leave him but he’s taking the piss out of you, you’ve just bailed him out and he’s giving you the silent treatment because your mad about getting yourself into debt. Sounds like a proper prick

Divorce him.

Sorry I don’t think he is going to change his spending habits. He doesn’t even seem remorseful

LTB

Has he paid towards the loan you took out for him?

Don't bail him out this time as what will happen is one day he'll walk out and you'll be sitting there owing 50k or more because of him.

His silence is the worse part of this as it leads to your feelings of invalidation and feeling defeated. Stonewalling you is abusive manipulative tactics.

However know you are capable and strong irrespective of how he is making you feel.

Do you have DC? If he was at least contrite or remorseful you could have a chance of fixing this but his attitude suggests he has contempt for you. Don't feel as if you have no options, you can always get free from him.

Thank you for your comments.

I’m feeling so sad and what @Techway said about feeling invalidated and defeated is so true.

Just feels like the only options are put up and shut up or divorce as his behaviour clearly isn’t going to change.

We have two amazing DC. Not sure how I’m going to afford Christmas at this stage but I’ll find a way

He either can control his spending and doesnt care that you have to bail him out, in which case there is no respect and you have to leave. Or he cant control it and you have to take control of all the finances and give him an allowance. I think that's your only 2 options. Ultimatum time

What has he spent it on?

My mil died 2 years ago.
She had been where you are numerous times over numerous years.
Nearly lost the house twice.
She was in his debt their whole married life. He led her a dogs life with no explanation, no apology and no conscience.
She stuck with him.
She had nothing, dh & his brother had nothing. All because of this selfish self serving individual.
She got cancer and died. He had no money to pay for her funeral. Not a penny. He didn’t care.
Luckily she had taken out an insurance policy which paid for it.

That may be a glimpse into your future.
Good luck with your decision but open your eyes, think of the future of you and your kids with and without him.

Stonewalling is a control tactic. If he doesn't engage with you then he holds the power. It is amazingly effective as your opinions or needs are just ignored and he gets to choose what happens.

After a while he may decide to talk to you but by that stage you have been beaten down.

The choice is to tolerate his behaviour or separate. He has to decide to change but I suspect he is unwilling as it is will affect his sense of entitlement.
Why would be want to change since that means he would have to take input from your? Perversely men like him often believe they are being controlled when they are asked to treat a partner with equality.

I recommend Patricia Evans, the verbally abusive relationship as it explains the sense of power.